Flooring

I recently got married about five months ago. Things have really gone down hill fast. I am in my earlier 30 she is late 20s. I own a couple of homes with my partner who is my brother who does not live with me. Before marriage we agreed upon a pre nuptial agreement as that was the only way to protect my brother in the event of a divorce and so forth. Before we got married she lived with her parents and never had a place of her own. She was not allowed to sleep over for any extent of time. So this was the first time away from family. Both sides of the family are close to each other in distance not with each other though. So home away from old home.
Before marriage we contemplated getting an apartment so she could have her own place as a home. I said that was crazy to do so and a waste of money besides.We could live in my house and save money. She agreed to help pay utilities and so forth. i did not want any thing as far as taxes mortgage and so forth as she did not own the home. She now refuses and never has paid a dollar to help with the bills. Ever thing is on me. With the economy I have been having a hard time making end meet and asked her to at least cut back on lights being left on, t.v.s on, and lower the heat a bit. She refuse to cut back nor help with the bills. She says its not her house and she is like a tenant in the house. I never made her feel like that. It is our home not mine and I never used that card. She stated that her father always took care of her mother and if I can't take care of her why does she need me. That was very hurtfully to me. I now suggested maybe we get an apartment as this would help me out and she could feel more at home. Now she claims she can not afford that and does not want that. She has a good job that is guaranteed. She takes all her money and gives it to her mom to pay bills IE her NEW car, phone, and so forth. Thus she never has any money as she has bills. I'm fine with that but its putting so much stress on me with all these extras. We go out on the weekends to eat but not as much entertainment as I pay and I don't have surplus funds.
Next she tells me that I'm causing her stress as she has never lived in a house that is not always cleaned and so forth. She does not know how to cook, does not clean, nor do her or my laundry. She doesn't clean as I caused the mess according to her. She sends her laundry out and I do mine. I do all the cooking. This does not bother me either. But being told I cause her stomach to ache and she can't stand to look at me hurts me. She does not do it all the time but enough. She purposely picks fights and it blows up in to a screaming match she mainly screams I'm more passive. From what to watch on TV to how come my boot are on the floor Then she acts like it never happened. She does suffer from bi-polar. She use to take her meds but now does not as she says "they don't work." When a fight occurs for simple reasons I submit and latter ask her maybe she was having a flare of bi-polar. That starts another fight as she says I want her to take a pill to fix it and once again I'm the problem.
She also has a gynecological disease that makes sex painful. We didn't even have sex on our honey moon. We since have even stooped messing around at all for the past 3 months. It bothers me but not that much. When asked why we don't anything it becomes she is angry about the unclean house (now clean still nothing), shes angry with me, it hurts, I bother her too much about it and if i don't ask it will happen (it never does) and so forth. She has to be drunk or high on pain pills to have sex. On pain pills from an injury. But than it makes me upset that she has to be high by some means to be intimate with me. I'm unsure what the reason is and it hurts me to think she just doesn't love me or something.
I want to work it out as I still Love her very much, but I can only stand so much. PLEASE HELP in your thoughts I dont want a divorce I want her the way she was or is it me????????.......

sdk

Wow, Flooring, you have so much going on here. I feel for you. Reading your post made me sad.

First of all, it sounds like she is very spoiled - not sure if that is really the case, but from what you have written, it does sound like she has always been taken care of by her parents, and she has no idea how to live in the "real world". You are now married and living together, so she really needs to cut the cord, as they say. If she has a really goods job, it is not fair for her to not contribute monetarily. In my marriage, my money has always been "our" money and vice versa. We pay our bills together. What she is doing is just not right.

If she is in her late 20's, she really needs to grow up. She is not a child anymore. How could she not know how to clean, cook, ect? And I would say that if she is bi-polar, she most definitely needs to be on her meds. If she is not taking them, that could definitely be causing her to act the way she is. And that is not fair to you.

Are you close to her parents? Is it possible for you to talk to them about the situation? Maybe they can be a bigger influence on her right now, and get her to take her meds, that she needs?

I can tell from your post that you do love her very much. But you are her husband, not her parent. It sounds like you are doing everything in your power to make this work. But she will need to learn to contribute. I have no idea how you can help her learn to do that.

I know I may have not been much help, but I wanted to let you know I read your post, and I feel for you. There are a lot of really intelligent people here who have wonderful advice. Hopefully someone can offer better advice for you.

fixntoplease

Im going through a relation very similar. Ive been with my partner over 10 years yet married for only a few months. My wife's stubbornness is beyond me. Im passive as well. So getting the nerve to tell her whats bothering me is hard. The hardest part about the whole thing is watching her light up like a firecracker after i tell her. I hope you find a why to show her what she is doing and convict her enough to make an effort towards change.

Sometimes i feel my wife's like the perfect storm no matter what i try (passive or aggressive) it only makes her aggressiveness stronger.

Good luck and i look forward to hearing other peoples responses as well maybe they can help me too.

Flooring

Thanks for all your help it really does help. She now since demanded that I sign an agreement to name our first male child after her father or she will divorce me. She had surgey and went to her moms to recover as that was the best choice for her as I'm self employed and can't take off. She refuses to come home till it is signed. I tried every compromise. I dont dislike the father, however I do dislike the name. I agreed to it. With the stipulation that if its a girl we will both name the child. Do you think she is being reasonable? She does love her father alot and he is recently sick.
Another problem: Let me know what you think. An example. We got a plasma tv from the in laws for chirstmass. I'm the won paying all the bills as discussed above. We really have no place for it or use for it. I purchased a lcd tv on black friday as we were having the Holidays at our home so I wanted atleast a decent tv for the family room. Then the in laws give us this tv. I'm NOT complaining at all. All I did was mention tonight to her (shes at her moms) that I moved the LCD upstairs and other tube tv down stairs. Plasma is still in the box mind you. Reason for the move, was that she leaves the TV on non stop and I'm trying to save money with the LCD. I stated that plasmas do use alot of energy. That caused a huge blow up from her, stating that I nay say everything her family gives me. Was that wrong to say?

turnera

WTH?

She's acting like a 3 year old. Why do you put up with it?

IIWY, I'd send her stuff to her mom's. Let her EARN her right to come back to you.