Husband does everything behind my back
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Old 01-29-2010, 01:41 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Husband does everything behind my back

My husband has no respect for me. He never listens to anything I have to say. He does what he wants and never takes my feelings into consideration. He has bought about 6 cars behind my back among countless other things. He has done nothing but put us into more financial debt (we are in the process of filing for bankruptcy).
Every time that he does something without my knowledge, it hurts like he just stabbed me in the back. The feeling of betrayal is enormous. There's no trust in our relationship. He blames me for his spending habits (a new car just about every year we've been married, that's 8 years). He buys tickets for trips even after I've said no. He'll buy it and then let me know. I'm so tired of it all. There have been on numerous occasions where I've cried and begged him not to buy another car and it has no effect on him. The next day, the car is in the driveway. I feel that he no longer loves me. When you love someone, you don't want to do things that you know will cause them pain. And he doesn't care.I have stayed with him through it all. But I don't know how much longer I can do this. The stress is getting to my health. I can no longer sleep and worst of all I've been getting these really painful headaches, that usually escalate into migraines.
I've made an appt. to go to marriage couseling, but last night he told me, he's going to be in Florida and will not be able to make it. Once again this trip to Florida was done behind my back (his father and sister live there). So basically he doesn't want to go to couseling and would rather see our marriage fall apart. I cried myself to sleep and woke up with a huge migraine. Despite how bad he is, I really love him. He was my first real relationship. My first love.Its so hard to let him go even though I know he no longer cares for me. It's as if I'd rather stay with him and have him hurt me over and over again, than live a life without him.
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Old 01-29-2010, 06:18 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband does everything behind my back

Does he give you a reason he blames you for his spending habits? Have you ask him how it's your fault he spends like he does?
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Old 01-29-2010, 08:06 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband does everything behind my back

Quote:
Originally Posted by catnip View Post
It's as if I'd rather stay with him and have him hurt me over and over again, than live a life without him.
About the most frightening thing anyone has written on this board.

Forget him, get help for you.
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Old 01-30-2010, 10:32 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband does everything behind my back

Why are you married to such a jerk? Are you just free sex for him?

Time to learn to respect yourself more. Skip the marriage counselor and go to a psychologist to find out why you have such low self-respect and self-esteem.
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Old 02-05-2010, 09:06 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband does everything behind my back

Well, you love him for a reason...I'm sure your standards are high and that your love is justified in some way. However, he has a problem. People who cannot care for themselves cannot fully care for another person, much less be a successful spouse. I agree, get help for yourself and hopefully a good counselor can help you decide if you can stay or if you must leave. Maybe he will even join you. But do go for yourself, at least. Best wishes.
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Old 02-05-2010, 11:49 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband does everything behind my back

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Originally Posted by Atholk View Post
About the most frightening thing anyone has written on this board.

Forget him, get help for you.
That was a scary statement. I also think it would be best to work on yourself first.
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Old 02-16-2010, 02:12 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband does everything behind my back

Thank you all for your advice. Despite how he is, he really has a lot of good qualities that I love. I want to do everything I can to save our marriage before I consider divorce. We have a 4 year old daughter who absolutely adores her father. So I have to consider what divorce is going to do to her. We are in the process of getting counseling.
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Old 02-16-2010, 03:09 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband does everything behind my back

Do you have access to the bank account? Every time he spends money for something, go to the bank and take out an equal amount of money, and put it in a savings account. Just keep saving it up; you may want it some day to start a new life. If you stay with him, you've kept him from spending that much money, and you can pay for college for your daughter.
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Old 02-23-2010, 12:39 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband does everything behind my back

I know exactly how you feel, my husband treats me the same way. He has no respect for me doesn't listen to anything I say and he also has to file for bankruptcy because of all te mistakes he has made due to spending, we have no money we were supposed to be saving money for a house but he spends his money as fast as he makes it. How is your counseling going? Have you ever thought about a trial seperation? My husband is also my first real love and although I know I don't deserve to be treated this way, I just wish he would come back to me, because it hurts so much. I just seperated from him, it took alot of guts but I knew it had to be done. But you have to think wouldn't you be happier alone, because at least you'd have your self respect, instead of being miserable with him, because you deserve to be treated with respect and equality. My husband used to blame me for everything to, its their hold on you. Best of luck to you and remember do whats best for you.
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Old 12-15-2011, 03:13 AM   #10 (permalink)
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I am one of those husbands, that buys things behind my wifes back. I love my fishing, and she doesnt let me go, as i work long hours in IT Management, and the weekends i am not allowed as she needs her space, which is fair enough. i bought a couple of rods about $100, without telling her, and she went crazy as i did it behind her back an called me a liar, abuses me in front of the kids, she smashed all my fishing gear, took by bank accout access away, and mistrusts me in everything, even accusing me of affairs. I have depression and on medication. she denies me of my meducation at times as i am classed as a liar, mistrusting, selfish c.... i dont know what to do. she has been angry and abusive for 3 to 4 years, i have had 2 breakdowns, attempted suicide, and i get so angry that all she says is No to my requests for gadets tools, fishing gear, i dont want to spend heaps only about $1,000. but no, so i went and replaced my gear that she smashed, and now she has smashed them and my boat, and this time i told her i spent instead of her finding out. i need help!!! the abisiveness and verbalising is so intimidating that i get out of control
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Old 12-15-2011, 05:31 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband does everything behind my back

nriver13, it is better if you create a separate thread for your post.

You are being abused by your wife. None of the things you describe are acceptable.

Go and talk to an individual counselor right away. If you love your wife, and you want to save your marriage, then ask her to go into marriage counseling.

You both need to change. She has to stop being abusive and controlling. And you need to stop being a nice guy. You need to build and enforce your personal boundaries (it seems you have none, or your wife has eroded them).

Now, I personally think that abusers don't change unless they want to. So, based on what you've described, you should start getting ready to leave. Go to the bank, and regain access to your account. Withdraw half of your funds and put them in a new account owned by you. Then go and file for divorce.

If you have kids, don't leave the house until the custody schedule gets approved by a judge.
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Old 12-15-2011, 07:25 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband does everything behind my back

Thank you JP, you read me very well. We both have been to councelors, phycologist, and my phycirist she agreed to attend, but it did mot change her, after a few sessions toghether she clashed with all of them as she didnt like what was said, but i continued to them by myself, which i stopped as my wfie complained its a waste of money and i am an expense, again put down. After todays incident of me disclosing that i bought more stuff the **** hit the fan afain abused sworn at etc in front of my teenage kids, and they also turned on me, and i was told to get out, i packed some bare essentials, called in sick to work, and been staying and sleeping in my car. I am told not to go back to the house until saturday and if i do attempt earlier she will call the police. So i have decided to leave and start the divorce legal proceedings, but she thretens me continuosly with my job, kids and my possesions i dont know if i can go throught this she is the type that will go out and destroy me... And ruinmy carrer, especialy if i regain access to the bank accout, as there is a sustantial amount of money we hold, as i have no debt, i dont think i can through this... ! There is no point in me being around anymore
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Old 12-15-2011, 09:50 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband does everything behind my back

You can't change her. You CAN change YOU. Have you read the book No More Mr Nice Guy? That's the best place for you to start. Even if you do divorce, you need to learn this stuff.

btw, LET her call the police. But call them first yourself, so they know that she will be filing false charges. Then move back home. It's vital for you to do this.
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Old 12-15-2011, 03:18 PM   #14 (permalink)
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She refuses to comprimise if i access any funds she threatened to ring my employer and tell of what i have done to her and ridicule me... I dont know what to do...
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Old 12-15-2011, 04:09 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband does everything behind my back

Seriously, why do you allow her to treat you like this? Man up. She threatens cos you allow it.
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