Sort of long winded FYI!! But it's all important. I have been married to my husband for 2.5 years. I can honestly say that it has been the hardest 2.5 years of my life. Everyday I am contemplating divorce more and more. I think I am most afraid of the idea of "change"... here is our story.
It's important for me to preface our marriage... as this was where the problems started. We met in 2005 through a mutual friend and instantly clicked and developed a wonderful relationship. We got along great, were SO in love, spoiled each other rotten and new we wanted to be together forever. He was 25 and I was 21 at the time. We dated for an amazing 10 months, he proposed and I graciously accepted knowing he was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. No doubt in my mind. We started planning a beautiful wedding and started attending premarital counseling. Over the course of planning the wedding, we had a few 'tiffs' I will call them over minor things. I attributed it to the fact that we both wanted things to be so perfect there was an added stress on our relationship from this. Some of the issues brought about in counseling also led to some 'tiffs,' but nothing was big enough to alter our relationship and where we wanted to go in life together. If anything, I considered those things a blessing at the time, that we had an opportunity to sort all that out BEFORE the wedding.
So some time passes and we are 1.5 months out from the wedding date. You will see here where we both made fatal mistakes...We were at a graduation party for a friend one afternoon and he decided and told me he was going to make some plans with his guy friends that night. I became upset over this, that he didn't invite me to come. We were used to doing EVERYTHING together and for the most part seemed to enjoy it that way. So I was shocked that he felt the need to do his own thing (realizing now that maybe our dating relationship was not as healthy as we thought it was at the time, I now know it is healthy to be able to do things separately). I blew things out of proportion and threw a fit and over the course of the next day or so I threatened him with calling off the wedding. I told him over the phone that I did not want to marry him. I am not making excuses at all, this was entirely my mistake. My fatal mistake. And here is his.
Well a day went on with me being stubborn and holding true to my word and I suddenly wanted to take it back. I felt awful for what I did and told him how sorry I was for saying this. He had now become stone cold to the situation. His feelings had been hurt and he was suddenly the one sticking to what I told him on the phone the day before. He wanted nothing to do with me. I begged, I pleaded, and in denial, I continued making wedding plans for a few more days. My parents caught on quick ( I lived with them) and were very nervous as to what was going on, I denied it saying he would snap out of it and that things were good. They weren't buying it (understandably so, considering how much money was on the line for them). They decided to have him over to sit down with them and me to get a for sure answer out of us. We told them everything that had happened and I told him again how sorry I was. He, with a straight face looked me and my parents in the eyes and said he did not want to marry me. This was where it clicked for me, that this wedding was not happening. I was hysterical in my dad's arms while he just sat there watching.
So the wedding was called off and my bridesmaids and my mom were gracious enough to take care of everything. I changed my phone number and cut off contact with him. My bridesmaids decided to take me away for what would have been the weekend of the wedding. It was about this time he started calling, texting, doing anything he could to get ahold of me ALL day long (a mutual friend gave him my new number). I ignored every call, every text. We were having a fun weekend out of town. On the actual night of what would have been the wedding, while we were all out, he even made the 2.5 hour drive up to where we were staying wanting to talk to me(we were of course, gone). Over the course of the next week or so he called every half hour, texted about the same; apologizing over and over again and wanting to take everything back but by this point I wasn't sure I could trust him. The next weekend was fourth of july and I saw him holding hands with another girl walking up and down the beach where all of our town goes to celebrate the fourth. I was there with my friends and he was there with his. I WAS FURIOUS!! And it was at this point I felt I truly had a reason to hate him. I went out of town with a girlfriend again the next weekend and he called nonstop which gave me plenty of chances to express how angry I was at seeing him with another girl. He claimed he was jealous of me with my friends so he grabbed some random girl's hand and paraded her around. Either way not cool.
A couple of weeks went by and we decided to sit down and talk. We were both still 'crazy' about each other and deep down I felt I still wanted him no matter what he had done. We did talk about some of the stuff that happened between time. We knew we couldn't just start dating again and we felt we wanted to be married. So we eloped. Two months later we were married in Mexico (against the will of my parents). At the time I thought I felt better about things, but our wedding/honeymoon was anything but bliss. We fought a few times, it wasn't how I pictured my honeymoon or wedding. It was a beautiful place but something felt like it was missing.
This was the start to a 2.5 year long unhappy marriage. We fight endlessly, neither one of us ever feels content or satisfied. We fought in the beginning about him staying out all night and spending a ton of money. And I still felt fuzzy about the situation with the girl on the beach, it just didn't add up right. It came up numerous times in arguments and his story about her being random stayed the same the whole time. Now we fight about some lies I have since found out... I found emails between him and some girl off craigslist (seemed like an escort) that were clearly inappropriate. He claimed he had been looking for someone for a friend of ours' bachelor party. But they went camping for this bachelor party and there were no strippers ( I do know for a fact). So here was a lie. I confronted him over and over again, kicked him out of the house and of course when he apologizes I just accept it, never really knowing what actually happened or what the truth is. I recently came to find out that that girl he had been holding hands with on the beach he was actually DATING at the time!! Or 'dating,' whatever you would like to call it. She was actually a stripper!! He had known her for years from when he worked downtown at a bar, and she had always liked him. They ran into each other one night and he invited her to come camp with him for a week over fourth of july. She confided in a mutual friend over that week that she was crazy about him! He had lied to me OVER AND OVER AGAIN!! Not only about who she was but where she came from and why he was with her!! I kicked him out of the house for a week. He came home one night and I asked him to tell me everything about her. He said they had sex many times. I was infuriated!! I am convinced I never would have married him knowing the truth about who she was!! Considering she was a stripper I could have gotten diseases from him on our honeymoon!! I was sickened!! During our time apart I NEVER once thought about hanging out with someone else, let alone having sex with someone else!! We hadn't just been dating, we were ENGAGED to be MARRIED!! I felt so disrespected by all of this. Needless to say I let him come home and based on how 'sorry' he acted I thought we could work past it.
This was two months ago and things have been awful since. I don't trust him worth a dime. Ever since we have been married he won't let me come near his cell phone. If it's charging he takes it room to room with him depending on where he is in the house. I think it's very strange and his friends call him out on it too... our sex life has been awful, more now because all I can think about is him having sex with another girl while I was bawling my eyes out all summer long over our ended engagement! I am still hurt and tore up over everything. I wonder everyday if marriage should be so challenging day in and day out. Most of my married friends say marriage is hard, but everyday should not be a challenge. The bad is outweighing the good. I feel alone in our house even when his home, he shows no affection and rarely has anything good to say about me to other people. I feel stuck, hurt, lost and confused. I wonder if there is a bigger and better aspect of married life out there...I am only 25 years old. A lot of our friends are starting to have kids and they just don't understand that I am not willing to have kids with someone I could potentially be divorcing. I don't want to waste anymore of my life. Any advice would be very appreciated!!
Its hard to get past all that. My wife does the same thing with the phone. She now clears all her history on the phone making it hard to catch. Look up on the phone account online and see if you can confirm you thoughts. Something might be going on or not. The stripper was when you were apart right? You really can't blame him for that. He knew you would have been mad. As you should be with the lies. Its very hard to get past the lies, trust me I know. But you can't turn a blind eye to it either. Do your home work and don't confront your husband till you have the proof. Good Luck
Honestly? You are too young to be married. You haven't had enough 'adult' life behind you to be able to deal with marriage. And he obviously doesn't know what it means to be married.
Get a divorce. Get a job and get your own apartment. Work on your career. Learn how to be an adult. And learn how to be ok with YOURSELF, BY yourself (i.e., not having to have a MAN in love with you, to be complete).
If you're meant to be together, you can start dating again. And maybe marry somewhere down the road.
I have looked at our phone records online and found a few suspicious things/texted numbers and honestly, he has no real excuse for it. He has a hard time understanding why I don't trust him... even though we were broken up it was a HUGE slap in the face to me, as far as what he did right after we ended the engagement. And the lies during our marriage just top it all off... I don't want to turn in that wife that just let's her husband do whatever he wants with no consequences, so I am trying to feel all of this out to see where my breaking point is. I appreciate the advice, it's great to hear it from an outside source and it's huge help!!
Hiding who he calls, carrying his cell phone with him, not being to intimate with you, telling you and your parents he doesn't want to marry you before you two got married, having sex with another girl (no matter her occupation) right after that, etc etc etc are all sings to me that he married you because it was the expected thing to do. He probably does like you but he also probably still thinks about that other girl. He is keep his options open by being distant from you a bit. I think he just wasn't ready to get married yet, not ready to settle down, still wants to check out what else is on the market, still to emotionally immature to be committed to one person. Considering he probably does like you, it's up to you if you want to be with someone who isn't just ready to completely committed to you. Maybe someday he will realize you are what he truly wants, but how long do you want to wait around to find out what he really wants.
lost and confused!! NEED HELP!!
