History: We have been married for 6 yrs now. A year ago I got really sick with an allergy that took several months to get over. I think during that time he secretly wanted to leave. A few months after I got better he said he hated the snow and couldn't spend another winter in Ohio. So he got a small cheap house in another state, said I couldn't go with him cause I hadn't saved any money and I need to finish school(even though I could have transferred). He packed up the van, put our stuff in storage and left (on good "I love you" terms). His drinking has been getting worse for the last three years before he left. He is a serious alcoholic now. He also doesn't have any career goals or plans for the future, no motivation for anything. I have to say I wasn't really sad to see him go. I got a small apt. and am doing good on my own. Although I do miss him. We talk almost every day on the phone, our conversation are full of "I love you" and "I miss you". I asked if he had cut down on drinking but he is ignoring my questions.
Recently: He's been gone 8 months now and is having financial problems. He does not bother to look for a job. He had his dad (who gets v.a. benefits) to move in with him to pay the bills. He isn't gonna look for a job. I send him money for food when he asks. He just got into a fight with his dad and is planning on moving back up with me and letting the house go. Thing is I don't wanna live with an alcoholic anymore, I also think he left cause he wanted to break up with me with out saying it and is now having second thoughts, also he seems to have a temper now on the phone and likes to say things like what I can and can not do and how I don't have "common sense". etc etc. Kinda controlling like.
So should I get an apt with him, or should I break up with him, cause If I don't get a place with him again he will know I don't wanna be with him and its the same as breaking up cause when I tell him he'd get pissed at me and hang up and never wanna talk to me again calling me a **** and saying he doesn't have a problem with drinking- that I'm the *****-even though he is the one who left and who has anger issues and a drinking problem. He probably wont quit drinking either cause I asked him several times and he hasn't even tried.
By falling to pieces, I mean to say he has become a drunk, a slob, gained a big alcoholic belly, uses his friends Vicodin just to feel good, is easy to irritate, very grouchy, has no goals or plans, doesn't even want to get a job. Watches t.v a lot, especially football and plays video games, online poker all the time. Definitely not the man I married.
He's depressed and confused.
If you felt he wanted to leave you, you were right.
He's a weak man who can't deal well with emotions. Many men are.
He doesn't want you back, he's just afraid of being lonely.
You would actually be doing him a favor by breaking up with decisiveness and finality and refusing to indulge his self-destructive self-pity.
You'll have to believe and know that's true in your heart because he will never thank you for it. It would be too painful to admit his own weakness.
I know all these things because I feel just like he does about my wife. I want to leave without acknowledging the pain and failure of breaking up. My career is only a fraction of being as successful as it used to be. I'm depressed 24 hours a day. I think about leaving constantly. I've told all these to every person I know except for my wife.
She doesn't even know that I signed a lease agreement on an apartment already.
Why are women so blind to the obvious, anyway? Why do they push so hard to keep insecure men who don't really love them? It's both of our faults. It's my fault because I'm not strong enough. It's her fault for trying so hard to make me stay.
Thanks for responding. I was thinking along those lines. Like he wants to leave for his own personal emotional reasons but is to insecure to deal with any pain of a breakup and doesn't want to be alone so he hangs on to me buy saying he still loves me. And I let it continue cause I love and miss the man he use to be. I know its up to him to quit drinking and get his life together and from the way he isn't even trying is a sign he probably wont, but me breaking up with him might be a good thing for him in that he might wake up and get it together. I think I hold on not just because I miss him but because I'm afraid of being alone and would miss talking to him. I guess I know what I should do. I know he would express heart broken feelings and anger but I think he will also be relieved at the same time but he wont tell me that. Maybe then he will get his life together. I hope. I think sometimes people need to be by themselves for a while to get it together. I hope things work out for you as well. The fact that you seeking advice is a good sign.
I hope things work out for you as well. The fact that you seeking advice is a good sign.
Thanks. I'm getting closer every day. They say it's like ripping off a bandaid. It's just the biggest damn bandaid I've ever worn. I don't want to be a weak insecure man anymore.
My wife is just a lovable cuddly oversize teddy-bear. She's one of the givingest people I've ever met and doesn't have a mean bone in her body. I feel like the most ungrateful man in the world for not loving her, and that's why I've wasted years trying to force myself to love her, years where she could have been with a man who treated her better and I could have been with someone with whom I actually wanted to be with.
Here's a silly poem I wrote earlier today.
Why and I
a silly poem
Why did you trick me?
Why did you want me so badly?
Why couldn't you see I never really wanted you, I only wanted your kindness?
Why did you make me think you could solve all my problems?
Why did you even want to try?
Why did you force me to marry you to prevent you from leaving?
Why did you push so hard to keep a weak man?
Why couldn't you have been stronger and made it easier for us to not be together?
Why do I have to suffer because I can't break up with you?
I don't know what I would do without you, but I know that I'm miserable with you.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know how to let go.
I don't know how to leave.
I don't know how to tell you how I feel.
I sit in my silent depression and write poems about the things I can't say or do.
Wow, I really like the poem. It's so true for so many relationships. I t's exactly how my husband must feel. You should turn it into a song, it would be a huge hit. Your a really good writer.
Breaking up, even when you know it's a good thing really is like ripping off a band aid. It hurts even though things will be better for the two of you. I think a lot of women are like your wife, overly kind and loving even when the other person doesn't have the same feelings for them. That's why it's so hard for many women to deal with rejection and loss. You'll read it in a lot of post, how they see the signs but generally ignore them. I do it a lot myself. Sometimes it's easier to ignore the warnings so you don't have to deal with the pain of the truth. I'm sure after the initial heart ache your wife will deal with the pain and be fine. You shouldn't stay with someone you don't love just because they love you and you don't want to let them down.
Anyway, I really liked your poem, you should try and sell it as a song. Its pretty good.
This was totally a suttle way to leave you, you need to accept that. If he were doing well for himself, you think he'd want to come back to you? No, you are both feeling lonely and hanging on to the past, those good times that made you both love one another. I think its time to close the chapter to this book, you need to move on. If you managed to be without him all this time, dont step backwards. And dont send him money, youre enabling him, he's probably out there buying liquor with that money for all you know.
A drunk is a drunk and until HE seeks help and becomes a better person he'll just keep dragging you down. Just thinking of him now is enabling you from finding someone you deserve, who will love you and fufill you completely. I was in a relationship with a man for 8 years and he was a drunk. Not a severe drunk but a stupid drunk who'd drive. Im so happy I left him, and got off that wagon. I found someone and moved on, and he is cited to appear in court for DUI this time with full suspension of his license and mandatory jail time. Again glad this is no longer my drama.
Do not take him back, you already went thru the hardest part, hang in there, you'll find someone.