I have read through dozens of this post pages in this CDS forum over the past few days and I would like to thank you all for your beautiful, genuine openness through your pain, and you’re unselfish posts that have helped me so much and answered many of my questions already.
I can’t thank you all enough and can only wish the best outcome for all of you who have so genuinely and faithfully loved their partners the best you could under our varying circumstances, and got the ‘thanks for nothing’ after all these years feel, I’m with you all there right now.
However, I have a number of different questions I would crave anyone’s feedback on.
I will just bother you with two of those questions here for now.
My situation:
I am M 40 and W 38. No children and both happy not to do so, this is not an issue,
and never has been.
Married for almost 12 years, 10 V happy ones, last 2 problematic, but yr wonderful posts have cleared a lot of this up for me already, so I don’t need to cover those grounds here again.
Into week 2 of a mutual and ‘comfortable’ (as much as it can be) trial separation. W’s call. I agreed. I moved out into a serviced apartment. Hurts me like hell. I love her more than anything in the world, and I have been a faithful, loving husband all these years, and wish nothing more for it to continue this way, although I know the future will be different if it does, and possibly for the best.
W is not having a ‘ball’ on her own, but is obviously feeling liberated and free, very social, hanging out with her friends, and not feeling the way I do, which makes me a little uneasy about the future.
But again, from reading all your posts, it’s not an option, I know I must go through this, and better we know the truth now at our age, either way, and be on our way together, or not.
Regardless of my pain, I know I must endure it and survive to ever see what’s over the fence. I get this part of it now, and again, thanks to you all for this, it was the best advice, and if your current pain is worth anything, you at least helped me from your posts!!!!!
We both agree life is just too short for us to spend years of uncertainty and any more pain together, when we know happiness really can begin again one day, if indeed it comes to that, and to make the most of the endless opportunities of happiness that we do believe lie out there for us both, given our unlimited years of life.
We are not fighting, never have, and doubt we ever will. Financials not an issue, and I feel W wants to make a strong effort to reconcile, but is enjoying some kind of new found freedom that she keeps some details of from me. There is more to this, and I have had a few faults too sure, but maybe for later posts if you think needs.
We are still best friends, and both strongly believe we will always be, regardless of the outcome.
We’ve talked very openly a lot about our issues over the last two years, catch up once/twice a week now, and still talk kindly to each other once a day, but have given each other enough space to ensure it feels ‘weird’ enough that reinforces this is a trial separation, (otherwise what’s the point of it all?)
I am very hopeful we will work it out, signs look positive, but no guarantees, early days.
We have recognized our problems, and are getting some professional counseling to address these, the best we can. I may not have given enough info here,
and the situation is complex, but I’m trying to keep it short as possible for my first post.
We both have always lead intensely private personal lives. ‘Many’ have looked up to us as the ‘perfect married couple’ for many years and I am still shocked that it’s come to this between us.
(I almost can’t believe I’m submitting this post. This is a first for me. I ask u to pls respect this)
I have (and proudly) felt our marriage was on some kind of pedestal, especially our communication strength….which still exists, and no one knows anything about our problems right now, including family, friends, and work colleagues.
Almost as much as the fear to agreeing to separate indefinitely, I DREAD to begin to inform family and friends that this has even happened. I fear this almost as much as a possible legal separation or at worst divorce itself…. it’s like fear on two fronts.
This is my first question. Did anyone dread the feel of shame about coming clean to family, friends, work colleagues about the separation? Do you start with family first
and then slowly inform friends etc… how did you do it? Hopefully it won’t come to this though.
My second question - We are seeing a marriage counselor together for the first time this Friday (12th Feb)
We have seen counselors individually which have helped somewhat, but this is the first time we’ve seen one together. Any advice on the do’s and don’ts before I go into this with W?
I would really appreciate any thoughts on this. Harsh or otherwise, I’m up for it. As a new player to the separation pain, I need new perspectives from anyone’s experiences.
Thank you all again and only my best wishes for your happiness ahead, and a way out of the emotional torture you may be feeling right now. I’m with you there big time!!
This is my first question. Did anyone dread the feel of shame about coming clean to family, friends, work colleagues about the separation? Do you start with family first
and then slowly inform friends etc…
OF COURSE Everyone feels this. Its failure shame etc. (ego)
how did you do it? Hopefully it won’t come to this though.
Well the signs will be ther for certain people or something will come up directly. You certainly don't "owe" anybody anything however in those situations or for those close to you whom you don't want to leave out of the loop: For me, when those situations arose, if I felt comfortable "enough" I might say something like, "We are having a trying time at the moment. I don't really want to discuss it as its a bit painful, however we're working together so, I'm hopeful for us to be happy again.
Look around, no-body gets through all this without problems or bumps. Some are more visible than others. You set an example in this post of a mature (minded) man and a mature (minded) couple. Don't be afraid of what other people think. I like to think about you guys resolving this and being a model for others.
Nothing to be shameful/fearful about. (to the contrary)
"
My second question - We are seeing a marriage counselor together for the first time this Friday (12th Feb)
We have seen counselors individually which have helped somewhat, but this is the first time we’ve seen one together. Any advice on the do’s and don’ts before I go into this with W?
Only be open to everything. No matter what. Don't be defensive. There is no right or wrong at this point only feelings which have come about from circumastances. Understand each others feelings and more importantly the root of those, and you're on a good path. Be OPEN.
I would really appreciate any thoughts on this. Harsh or otherwise, I’m up for it. As a new player to the separation pain, I need new perspectives from anyone’s experiences.
Thank you all again and only my best wishes for your happiness ahead, and a way out of the emotional torture you may be feeling right now. I’m with you there big time!!
Beautiful Post by the way and what really struck me is this.
Painful as this time might be, the communication that you mentioned is at the core. You can have differences but if your understanding of each other and can talk about them... truely getting perspective form where the other person is coming from, provided you love them, anything is possible. Im guessing your post helped many people as well.
all the best.
Sure you'll get other suggestions as well.
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DIE TO THE PAST EVERY MOMENT - TWC
I don't always know what I'm talking about but I know I'm right. -Muhammad Ali
Many thanks 63Vino..u hit it rite...Im not after any post domination here...just a little direction, and if this is the only response I get Im just very thankful for the persepctive you bothered to show me, that meant alot and really helped me as a first time forum user for this kind of thing.
Your kind words and experience are v appreciated, esp yr words about being non defensive and open in the counselling, that was v helpful and I will keep that in mind on Fri. Many thanks.....best wishes to you too....
I don't understand why you split up. I know that's not why you're here, but can't help asking.
Anyway, PLEASE don't assume what other people will think. Open your hearts to your friends and family and LET them be your friends and family. Do that for THEM. I think you'll be surprised by how much people want to earn that right, by helping you.
Thank you for your reply turnera. Should it come to it, I am more than happy to post the details of the separation reasons here, as many have so unselfishly have. I am holding back as our situation is
quite different from most posts (not wierd, not more special than anyone else..just different) and as we are both in an agreed anonimity protection mode at the moment, I feel that posting the details could well 'blow our cover' at the moment should someone who knows us be a member, or browse this site. The time for this may or may not come, and if it does, I will post, and cherish any support you can offer me. Like you have already, with your advice about what other people will think. I loved your words, and that's great advice, thank you very much turnera. It helped alot.
How to tell family and freinds??
