Hi, after you left me a post, I was curious to hear your story. Thanks for the advice. Sounds to me like u have it worse. My fiancee is very responsible and doesnt sponge off of me. He's the ideal man to all the rest. Doesnt your husband ever leave? I'd change the locks the min he steps out. Good luck and yes, i dont see myself getting married to him.
Well, I finally got him to leave, but I don't understand why he had to be so nasty about it. All I asked was that we seperated and worked things out and he had to turn it into well if I leave theres no guarantee I'll ever be back! he also said Be careful what you wish for and you will never understand how much moving out is hurting me. Why doesn't he love me enough to fight for me? All I said was I can't live like this anymore, the constant fighting, etc. Its making me sick, mentally and physically but he had to turn it into well if I leave then its basically over, not I will do anything to make this work, like his tune changed because last week thats what he said, why so he could continue to live w/ me? Now its like oh well, no sweat off my back, your loss not mine. I mean did he even love me? He keeps saying he does,but what does he do to prove it? Why does it hurt so Much? Thanks so much for listening!
Hey cupcake, I am myself in a very similar situation, we are also living 2 separate lives, and unfortunately we live in our own apartment which none of us wants to leave. My dad, also, wants me to work it out (why are dads always on the husband's side?) - but although I love my dad immensely, this is my life and my decision alone. Not sure what you can do in your case though. You definitely need to end this relationship - It's hard but you know it's the right thing to do. Stick to what you believe is the right thing for you. Talk to a layer, get that free consultation, ask around what your options are. I think the best thing would be to file for divorce, I think. Because as long as you're married he has the right to live with you and I don't think you can kick him out. It's a shame that such a long friendship turned into something so ugly. Can't you talk honestly with him? Is he happy in this relationship?
Good work. If he does love you, he will see that he has to honor your wishes and listen to you. He acted like that because he is used to controlling you by putting you down or blaming everything on you or 'warning' you that he will remove 'himself' from you - that's your 'punishment.' The thing is, you showed that you are smarter than that and will not be controlled through his 'punishment' any more. Now the hard work begins!
I see what you mean that I have to show him he can't control me anymore, but why is it bothering me so much that he doesn't care? Like I just thought he would of wanted to work things out and would be calling me, I never thought he would of cut me out of his life completely. But then I'm thinking why would I want to be with someone who treats me so badly? I almost feel like I can't let go, but why can he so easily? I know as time goes on it will get easier, but I just can't believe he could just walk away like that, it just feels very cold, almost like he could care less whether I was with him or not, how could he be so cold? When he treats me this way why do I care so much about him? I know I still love him I'm just not in love with him anymore, that attraction isn't there anymore because of everything he has said and done to me. I just wish I could make the pain go away. Thanks so much for listening.
why is it bothering me so much that he doesn't care?
Because women who allow themselves to get into abusive or controlling situations often have a certain 'mentality' in which they have preconceived notions about what their husband should be; the abuser recognizes that, and plays on it, to keep her coming back. One of those subtexts is that you want a man to 'rescue' you by showing you he loves you, by overcoming things and 'proving' himself to you...it is an ego feeder for you, if he WERE to show you how much he cares by changing for you. So, you are partially to blame for the relationship - he feeds off of being selfish, while you feed off of getting 'strokes.' And you may even set up situations where he has to prove himself. That's called fishing for compliments. Abusers are happy to throw you little scraps like that, cos they don't have to do any other work to keep you around.
Abusers DO walk away. They don't want a woman with a backbone. They want a woman who is so needy and has such low self-worth that she will take ANYTHING he gives her, crumbs, just to have him say he 'wants' her. Her esteem is so bad that ANYTHING he does is enough to tell herself that she is good enough to get a man; she just ignores the kind of man she gets - as long as a man 'wants' her, she is a decent human being and should not be looked down upon.
That's why you need to be seeing a psychologist, who will help you work on your self esteem. If you had a higher image of yourself, you would have NEVER allowed him to do the things he's done. You would have gotten mad at him and kicked him out a long time ago.
Time to work on that, instead of obsessing about a man who was using you.
Thanks and I know your right its just hard to believe I have allowed myself to be treated this way, because before I married him he was never like this to me, its like I married a complete stranger. He even admitted it to me in one of our fights, he said he had to put his foot down in our relationship and take control. I am seeing a psychologist, I have been I think between talking here and talking to the psychologist was the only way I was able to do what I did. Because I am also on disability and can't drive and I think my husband used that to his advantage instead of helping me at one of the worst times in my life, but thats another long story.
Did I recommend some books on abuse? Patricia Evans' books are great. Also, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controllling Men, by Bancroft. If you read them, you'll recognize your husband. Such men are completely different people while they are on the 'hunt.'
It's truly like a GAME for them. Think Ted Bundy - to a much less degree, of course! The whole thrill of getting you to believe him, love him, want him, is a game. It's fun when you do what he expects you to do. But when you grow a backbone and show individual thinking, you're no fun any more - you're WORK! That's not what such men are in it for; so they walk away.
I have to warn you, though, that if he really loves you or even just wants you, he MAY come back. But that's when you have to worry the most. Because if he is truly abusive - and only you guys will know that - he will follow a cycle. You can read about it in the books, how if he decides to fight for you, it will go something like:
Fine! I'm outa here.
Honey, I'm so sorry, I'll do anything you want.
Yeah, well, if you hadn't ABC...
You stupid %@#%@#%, you deserved it! I'm outa here.
OMG, honey, I'm so sorry, I'll never do it again!
I'm trying! But it's all your fault!
and so on
If he does come back crying, please go get some of those books so you can recognize what he's doing, and not get suckered.
Thanks so much you have been really helpful and I will definetely be getting those books and reading them while I am away from him. I am also going to be doing some other kind of self help for myself try to make myself a better and stronger person. Thanks again for all your help and I will be weary when he returns because he will, he left alot of his things here.
I just ordered those books they should be coming soon and I will be reading them. I just had a question, when we were dating I had a backbone and I pretty much said how things were going, I had a pretty strong voice in the relationship. what happened? He used to treat me like gold, but now I just don't matter. I also think and I know I should stop obsessing but I can't help it. But I think he is cheating on me, for the past 6 months he has been at a pretty good job making about $600/ wk, I haven't seen one cent of this money and he cashes his checks so I can't trace where the money goes. How can someone make this much money and not have anything to show for it? I think he is wining and dining someone on the side and I was just to nieve to see it. Do you think I should leave him for good and never look back? My psychologist thinks its either cheating or drugs, but I don't know what to believe, I am just astonished that a person could be so cruel to take advantage of another and not even think twice. Thanks again.
You got him to leave and that was no easy task, but have you thought about what you want to be doing in a year's time or 5 years time and how you can work towards achieving the life you want for yourself, in small steps starting now?
I know it's easier said than done but don't dwell too much on what he did with his money, cheating/drugs whatever. That's in the past. Yes you need to reflect on the past to avoid making the same mistakes in the future but from your posts I cannot see anything that points to a positve long term plan/goal. Have a time frame in mind for your end goal broken down into small steps, each step having a time frame also. Think also about any obstacles that are likely to arise and have a plan for how you will deal with them so that you can be prepared as far as possible. Also schedule regular reviews to track your progress and don't forget to reward yourself for your efforts as you work through your plan. Maybe your therapist can help you with this if he/she is not doing so already.
Just so you'll know, until the books get there, the way abusers get what they want is increment by increment. First, the game of the hunt. Then you say yes. Then they start tearing you down, as soon as you say yes; part of the game. It may start with a 'you look fat' (tear down your self esteem); or 'why did you do that?' (make you question your own thoughts); or refusing to go out cos he's tired (establishing control); or griping if you bring your friend over (isolates you from your protectors); things like that. Little itty bitty things that, alone, seem like no big thing. You can go to the next concert so you agree to pass it up (but it happens that time, too). You cut your hair the way HE likes it so he won't criticize your hair again - but he'll find fault with that way, too. You make excuses (lie) to your friends for why you can't meet up with them and they eventually get the clue and stop asking you out.
You make concessions, tiny ones, along the way, that by themselves seem like nothing. But along the way, you lose your backbone; you doubt yourself; you think you're unloveable and you're lucky HE will accept you as you are; you become ashamed that you have to lie to your family and friends for not seeing them, so the shame keeps you from reaching out to them ever again.
Eventually, you are a shell of your former self. I told my therapist that I hadn't laughed in 20 years. Growing up, I was always laughing. But no more - he made fun of me when I laughed, so I stopped. I missed it. I love to read more than anything else, but I hadn't sat down in a chair to read in 25 years because when I did, he would ask me why I wasn't getting XYZ done; so I stopped reading, except on my lunch break at work (he'd never know) or in the bathroom (he couldn't see). Do you see how pathetic it becomes, if you don't put a stop to it?
Just so you'll know, many abusers/controllers have no idea what they are doing to you. They are often good people, except for this need to control the situation, because of their own low self-worth. They fear that if you knew the real them, you'd leave them for sure, so they slowly peel away any of those ways you could possibly leave them.
But even if you give him a second chance, he will NEVER change unless he undergoes SEVERE psychological therapy to get to his core issues. And most such people will NEVER do that.
But they WILL promise you the moon, if you just take them back. Or they walk, cos you're too much trouble now.
Well he showed up at my apartment last night, said he had to pick up some things, he didn't take everything with him. He wants to know if we can talk, sometime this week. See where this is going, we have only been seperated for 2 wks, whats the rush? Part of me wants to talk with him and part of me says stay away! He said he's seeing a therapist and He wants to try marriage counseling, but do I even make any effort or do I just walk away from this marriage without ever looking back? I just started reading the book, Why does he do that, only on chapter 1. But if he really is an abuser I'm afraid to even start talking to him again, he'll probably manipulate me. But then when I talk to him I think well maybe he'll be that sweet supportive guy I once knew. Why is it just so confusing, well thanks again.