I've been with my husband for two and a half years (lived together) and have been married a month. Yeah. I know.
I made the mistake of losing my virginity to my now husband (who was not even close to a virgin) when I didn't want to. According to the Old Testament, since I slept with him, we needed to get married. We moved in together, got engaged (his idea) and we had a very long engagement because I was just putting off getting married. I'm not crazy about my husband but I wanted to do the right thing in God's eyes since I screwed up. I understand that not everybody would agree with my religious convictions but that's beside the point now. We had a quickie ceremony at the courthouse (I literally bought my dress less than 12 hours before our ceremony) and my family doesn't know, other than my younger sister and my mom because I don't want to be married, let alone tell my family about it.
Here's my problem - although I haven't wanted to be married, I'm fine with accepting that I messed up by losing my virginity and that I have to deal with being married to somebody I'm not crazy about. I want to make the best of it and have a happy marriage. My husband - not so much.
My husband is 5 years older than I am, works maybe 35 hours, four days a week (has three days off each week) and we're dirt poor (his grandma pays for a lot of his bills - like our mortgage that is in her name and his name, not mine.) I would like to spend time with him, have conversations with him, go on walks, whatever - just to spend some quality time together.
He tells me I'm a complainer and that he wants time to himself and that an adult should be able to entertain herself. He said he never gets alone time to do what he wants and that I never shut up about wanting to spend time together. Hello! I keep telling him that I'm lonely and want to spend quality time together - not 4, 5 or 6 hours - I'd be happy with even just an hour a day since we don't have any kids.
I don't have a car, my own money, a job (I did while we were dating but he said he doesn't want me to get a job nor will he drive me to work with "his" car.) I don't have health insurance, I'm not on our car insurance (so I don't get to drive our only car) all of my family lives out of state (my parents literally moved out of state last week and up until a few weeks ago, I didn't even have my own cell phone (I had one at the start of our relationship before it was stolen.) I don't even have a working key to our house as my house key is stuck in a lock and my husband has yet to replace me key (3 months after it got stuck and won't come out of the garage deadbolt.)
I stay home, by myself, and clean our house every day. I don't have anybody to talk to - I can't even go for a walk since I don't have a key to lock up behind me. I'm so lonely and I just want my husband to spend time with me. He won't cook dinner with me, won't eat at the table with me (he just eats in front of the tv) says talking is boring, won't play any of the zillion boardgames he's bought from his work with me because he says it's boring for him as I want to win and if that were to happen, he'd have to throw the game and not even try (???) when I've tried to play video games he tells me to drop out because I'm holding him back in the game, won't go on walks with me and our 2 dogs that he wanted - he literally does nothing with me. He said he has no time to spend with me. He goes to work at 4 PM, comes home at 11:30 PM, stays up until 4AM watching TV, wakes up at around 3 PM and the cycle starts all over again. The only thing he likes is when I paint his Warhammer models that he then sells (and keeps the money.)
I think my husband is a dud - he wasn't such a heartless, boring jerk (he was to some degree but now it's way worse) while we were dating but now he won't even sleep in the same bed with me (he says it hurts his back - even though we've always slept on this bed and it's only 3 years old.)
I'm going out of my mind. I need some human contact. I want somebody to talk to me. I want my husband to at least act like he gives a crap instead of being a lazy bum. Even before we were married, I suggested counseling. He said he will never go.
Tonight he told me that he doesn't want to talk to me because he says all I do is complain about him not spending time with me and that I need to be patient - that we're going to eventually have a family and then I can obsess over a baby and that he'll have free time and that we can have some time together (once we have a baby - for the record, I'm not pregnant) on the weekends. I told him I didn't get married to spend all my time alone. I got married because I wanted to have a partner to spend my life with. I told him that I don't want to be a weekend wife that only gets time with her husband whenever he feels like he needs a bj or a back rub while raising a child by myself.
Am I overreacting? Should I get divorced? I want to please God but at the same time, I don't want to be miserable for the rest of my life because I made a stupid mistake when I was 20 (I'll be 23 this year.) I would rather be single forever and still get to hang out with friends, see family, etc then stay at home while my brain rots. My husband said he will not sign any divorce papers yet he doesn't want to talk to me or do anything with me, the bore and complainer. I am very vocal and upfront about how this situation needs to change or we're not going to be together. Period. He just rolls his eyes.
Before I was with him, I was going to a university, had a job, friends, was involved with school clubs, etc. Now we have no money and I'm not in school or anything.
Thanks for any advice, and thanks for reading as I know this was super long.
It's only been a month and already you are isolated and lonely. Imagine how magnified that feeling will be in a year, or when you are saddled with children? IMO, you will happier with your independence and without him.
Do not have children with this man. Neither of you are ready. First, why are you hanging out at home when he is sleeping? His car is there--get on the insurance and use it! If he refuses, I suspect he enjoys having this much control over you, and that's a little scary. I'd call a women's hotline for advice. You are basically imprisoned in your own home and finding a partner totally resistant to any change. That's unreasonable. The $$ for the insurance is going to be marginally more than it already is; no excuse. You can pay for it once you get a student loan. So, figure out what you'd need to get an associate's degree at a 2 year college, apply for loans, and get back in school. You need to get your education started and get working. You can go back to school and finish a bachelor's degree on a part time basis after that. Don't let him derail you. And kids will make this so much more difficult. Just put off having kids until you are done with school completely and gainfully employed.
Once you have started back to school, you should be able to access some type of counseling and maybe even student health services. Take care of yourself. Get back on your feet as yourself. You don't have to make any decisions about the marriage--yet. The decisions will probably be easier to make once you are less isolated. Good luck.
I'm afraid you have misunderstood the Bible. The Old Testament law is about requiring him to marry you if you lose your virginity to him, if you want him and your parents approve. The obligation is not on you. One of the most important things way back when was that your kids inherit your farm and other wealth: and that they really should be YOUR kids. So, a wife who cheats on her husband hasn't merely had sex with someone else: she's possibly introduced another man's children into the line of inheritance, and thus robbed his family.
A woman who wasn't a virgin when she married was considered damaged goods. SO, the man who took her virginity was required to marry her, because he's the one who damaged her. She was expected to marry him because it was just assumed that nobody else wants a non-virgin bride. But if YOU don't want to be married to HIM, that's your choice. The Old Testament also has rules for divorce, you know, in case things don't work out.
You should leave him. Go back to your family, finish your degree, and be done with him. Yes, it was a mistake to have sex with him, but it was a bigger mistake to marry him, and it's a bigger mistake than that to stay with him. It isn't pleasing to God when you make a mistake worse by adding to it.
To ensure your safety, you should call your parents and ask them to come get you. Don't tell your husband you have done this. When they show up, empty the house of all your stuff and go. Lock the door behind you, and leave a note saying only "I need a man in my life, and you're not up to the job. I will have a lawyer contact you about the divorce."
You should see about a restraining order, which will ensure that if he comes within 100 yards of you then he'll be arrested. Since he was arrested for attacking you, it'll probably be easy to convince a judge to sign it.
Since you're in a different state, he may decide it's not worth trying to chase after you, especially if you're really far away. But get the restraining order anyway.
Learn from this. Finish your degree, and get your life back on track. Don't repeat this mistake.