bluewillow64

I have been married for 20 years. i suffer w/ depression quite alot. at times it can be hard to live w/ me. i believe my husband to be passive aggressive. he shows little affection , always finds fault and criticizes me. as long as i stay at home cook clean all is well. if i do something minor which is w/ out his permission he blows up. he hardly communicates w/ me i feel all alone in this marriage. he is mad alot and keeps his emotions to himself until he blows up.
my question is can he change?
he will not go to counciling . he says it does not work,we have been to counciling together before he claims i don't listen and change. is this marriage hopeless?

bluewillow64

i guess from no replies i got my answer.

getoffme

20 years is a looong time, i've never been married. It seems you admit you have a depression problem and that youre difficult to live with. Is it true that you don't listen and have not changed? If so maybe you should put more into your relationship if you want to save it.

steve71

bluewillow, no sane person will advise you to leave a 20-year marriage on the strength of a 100 or so words. Those of us who have been in such long-term marriages know it's just too complex and deep for a simple 'stay' or 'go' response - unless something like violence is involved.

But I do feel from what you've said that your man comes across as angry and controlling. Clearly, you are distressed, thwarted and unfulfilled. Can you persist with your efforts to get him to a counselor or perhaps a pastor or, for a less formal setting, a trusted friend or member of your family?

80dolfin

Hi,

You are suffering from depression because he is emotionally abusing you (maybe physcially and sexually too) - but unfortunately you have been subjected to this for 20years. My heart goes out to you.

They only way out of you depression is to contact a domestic violence hotline. You need to see a counsellor immediately - it's never too late to get help. Once you leave this destructive relationship you will see it for what it truely is - abuse!

Take care

here are some books that will help you. "Why does he do that" and "Men that Hate women and the women that love them"

Also any book on emotional abuse. I believe emotional abuse is an insiduous death of the soul way worse than physical abuse.

I just came out of an emotionally abusive relationship, i am in DV counselling. I'm now getting my life back and will never allow a man to control me ever again.

turnera

Also go to your doctor and get anti-depressants. My doctor told me that, after 20 years in an unhappy marriage, my body's ability to produce 'happy' chemicals was just depleted. I needed the ADs to kickstart that production again. It literally saved my life. Please go.

Also, find something outside your husband to make you happy. Start a hobby. Take a class at a junior college. Start writing. Get out and make some friends.

Not only will this make YOU happy, but it will change the way your husband looks at you. Once you don't rely on him for everything, he will suddenly find YOU more interesting.