I am a newbie to this forum. Hi
Married at 26 to a good and loving man who I was going out with for 5 years before. Decided to get married because he would take care of me, and he loved me a lot. I also wanted to fulfill others' expectations (my parents love him). A few months before getting married I had serious doubts and nearly called off the wedding because I wasn't sure if it was the right thing to do.
I didn't feel sexual desire for my husband back then, and after 11 years of marriage this has not changed.
I've had serious infatuations with about 7 men over the course of these 11 years because of the serious lack in my marriage.
In my sexual prime now (30s) and I foolishly gave in and got sexually involved with a guy I became deeply infatuated with. He is so different to my husband - creative, sexy and fun. I have stopped seeing him completely because of the guilt. I wish I could spend the rest of my life with him, but that is not to be since he doesn't want to break up my marriage.
I don't find my husband sexy or attractive. Making love to him is like making love to a brother (gross right). So I try to avoid it.
Over the course of these 11 years, I know that I have not tried perfectly, but I've seen counsellors, doctors, read books on my problem, gone on 'romantic getaways'. Nothing worked. I've tried to ignore it and work on it. No change.
Going through marriage counselling now. My husband has approved of me moving out and I am likely to move out soon.
I'm also terrified of what my family would think - they are not the understanding type. They would not understand or support me.
I guess I would like to know if anyone has been through this. Can you offer any advice?
I still feel guilty - that I have not tried enough. That I am an unloving selfish human being for wanting to leave him (a very good man who loves me).
I fear that if I continue on like this, I will have another affair, get hurt again and hurt my husband again. That this will just continue...
If I leave, I am preparing myself for the fact that I may never find the dream relationship. I am prepared to be single the rest of my life if I don't meet the right person. I just can't stand the pretence of being in a 'happy marriage' - this is the most painful thing of all. Feeling trapped and like I have to put up a brave face.