Did I screw up? Wife says yes, but I think she's overreacting - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 77 (permalink) Old 09-04-2013, 08:30 AM Thread Starter
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Did I screw up? Wife says yes, but I think she's overreacting

First, let me say I love my wife. She's 9 years older than me. We have been married three years, together for 6, and have a baby.

She's been very different lately and keeps bringing up divorce. I don't want to not have her and my kid in my life so I say no to that.

She says I'm not the same person anymore but I think nothing has changed with me. She complains about stuff I don't do but thinks I should. She won't let anything go. She has never forgiven me for things that happened years ago. She says she has forgiven, just hasn't forgotten. My wife puts up a wall for sure. She is really closed off right now and has been for a while. I try calling her from work every day to check on things but she won't answer. She doesn't say I love you anymore. If I kiss her, she barely kisses back. We used to have sex like crazy, now it's almost non existent.

Her feelings for me aren't the same at all. I can feel it. We used to be really close. Now all there is is a mild friendship. I come home from work and we just watch tv, that's about it. If I ask her what's wrong, she says one or two word answers. She told me that she can't keep saying the same thing over and over but I think she's overreacting. I'm not a bad guy. It could be a lot worse.

She thinks I don't care about her. But I do. She keeps telling me that my words don't matter it's my actions. Which I get, but she never tells me the things I do right. Just points out what I do wrong. She says the things I do right are things I'm supposed to do as a man, and shouldn't expect a reward for it. She says she feels like she's my mother always cleaning up after me and she's sick of it.

Her main complaints are that I don't help with the baby, but I do. She says I spend all my time with fantasy football and playing on my softball team. She's really pissed that I go to a gym and work out. She says she can't go herself because the baby won't go to me. I offer to watch the baby, but she cries right away so I give her back to mom and she quiets down immediately. My wife is hurt because she says I don't tell her she's attractive anymore. She lost all her weight already. I tell her she looks good. I didn't know I was supposed to point that out. She's overreacting. She also is mad at me because she takes out the trash, picks up the dog poop in the yard and does the litter box and thinks I should do it. Can't even tell you how many times she flipped out on me for that while she was pregnant. It's not like I won't do it, I just will do it when I think about it. If a week goes by before it gets done, it's not the end of the world.

Something she said the other day really hurt. She says I devote more time to doing stuff I want to do, than to developing a relationship with my daughter. That's not true.

She's also really pissed that we don't have a joint banking account, that she thinks my family doesn't like her, and that she feels she is not "worth my effort." She just had a big birthday and told me not to get her anything because I just paid for a new fridge. So I didn't! Than she got mad because I didn't get her a card. It bothered her a lot because she has organized big parties for me in the past and gets me presents. But she didn't want anything!

I don't know what to do. I tell her I love her. But she says I am self absorbed and my actions don't match the words. She's always stressed out about money. She stays home with our baby and watches another person's child for extra money. She did this on her own because she says she feels she has to support herself even as a married person. I said we can combine money into an account but now she won't because she says I buy too much stuff for myself.

With her barely even talking to me, I don't know how much longer this is gonna go on. I tell her I want to fix this, but she says it's too late. She's tired of trying and things never change. I'm trying - she doesn't see it. Or ever tell me when I do something right.

So...who is right? I'm not a bad person. I am trying. Thanks.

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post #2 of 77 (permalink) Old 09-04-2013, 08:44 AM
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Re: Did I screw up? Wife says yes, but I think she's overreacting

in my opinion yes you did screw up .

once you become a family man your focus needs to shift from you to the whole family . instance handing the baby back to your wife because the baby cry it putting everything on your wife . is spot on that you are not developing a relationship with your daughter .

imagine how to trapped your wife feels while you're going out to play and work out .

and why the hell should she be picking up after you? she shouldn't have been doing the kitty litter at all while she was pregnant . it's time for you to grow up and begin to act like a man instead of a manchild .

she is sick of your behavior . and yet you want praise when you happen to remember to do the things that need to be done .

and if you actually told her that she is overreacting you've made the biggest mistake of all by insulting her ntelligence and her feelings .

as often happens with a new baby the wife grows up and the man does not. its a recipe for divorce as you are now experiencing . you either start sacrificing for your family or expect to be served with divorce papers when you least expect it .
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post #3 of 77 (permalink) Old 09-04-2013, 08:52 AM
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Re: Did I screw up? Wife says yes, but I think she's overreacting

one more thing , claiming that you didn't know that you should be complimenting your wife has to be one of the most frustrating things she has ever heard . it's amazing how a man remembers to do what he wants to do and doesn't remember to do what he should do to take care of the woman he claims to love so much . she didn't stop being a woman when she became a mother . little wonder he doesn't feel like you care .

I remember having these feelings very strongly when I had my children with my ex husband . it's as though there's an unspoken belief that the child and the household are the woman's responsibility and so long as the man goes to work and occasionally runs a vacuum that he is showing enough support and is helping around the house . it just doesn't work that way . a baby is a full time job. it wakes you up in the middle of the night, demands your emotional support , and carries a lot of worry . everything that happens in the family is imprinted on the child . early bonding , talking, sharing, showing the child the world and allowing the child to grow believing it is safe and loved are the most important things.in the world to her right now .

have you read any parenting books ?
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post #4 of 77 (permalink) Old 09-04-2013, 09:06 AM
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Re: Did I screw up? Wife says yes, but I think she's overreacting

You need to put more hard work in guy. All that effort you put in the gym, fantasy football, softball you should put equal if not more in your marriage. You need to take your wife out just the two of you.
You fell for the biggest sh@t test there is......don't get me nothing for my birthday.....you should have made some effort. Also you have to bond with your child more. If she cries every time you pick her up you need to work on that also. It sounds like your wife is screaming for help and your attention. You have to ask yourself is your marriage worth really fighting for. Good luck. You can make it work....but you have to start to really listen to her.
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post #5 of 77 (permalink) Old 09-04-2013, 09:09 AM
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Re: Did I screw up? Wife says yes, but I think she's overreacting

Wow, you seriously need to ask if you screwed up?? You're behaving like a spoilt child! I am seriously struggling to work out where to start! I can't stop thinking about the fact you are so selfish you had her dealing with cat litter when she was pregnant - the litter tray just being left dirty is a huge risk to your unborn baby and getting her to clean it while pregnant is absolutely disgusting behaviour - you could have KILLED your baby!!! Not that it would be that big a deal to you because you can't even be bothered to take the time and put in the effort to bond with your baby now she is born! Please consider how you would feel if your daughter was dating a guy who treated her this badly - would you think it was ok? Actually you are being so selfish you might be too busy socialising with him to care. I am so utterly despairing at your post! Maybe you are a sociopath and that's why you can't see what a selfish, unappreciative, rude, demanding, misogynistic waste of skin you are...or perhaps it is not who you are but how you are behaving? Could this thread be the wake-up call you so desperately need? I hope so!

Step one - whatever you are thinking of doing just stop first. Does this enhance your wife's life and ease her burden of responsibility in some way? Does it benefit her? If the answer is no, do something else but when you decide what to do, repeat the above! I've never said that before but you are SO FAR from where you need to be to keep your family you seriously need to look at EVERY decision, not just bits and pieces you can change...in a week or so if you feel like it!

Or you can ignore this and enjoy the divorce and child support you'll be paying - which from the sounds of things will be a lot more than she's getting from you right now!
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post #6 of 77 (permalink) Old 09-04-2013, 11:13 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Did I screw up? Wife says yes, but I think she's overreacting

Didn't think I'd get blasted on here. About the cat litter. I said I'd do it and for her to leave it for me to do. But she wanted it scooped every day and it didn't always need to be. Since I didn't do it her way, she just did it herself and still does. I do the trash now.

I spend time with my daughter but I can't help it if she cries. It bothers me that she doesn't seem to like me. I have been trying to hold her more. If I didn't read any books does that make me a bad dad? I didn't read books, but I look stuff up on the internet a lot and ask the guys at work who have kids.

So I am supposed to do nothing but go to work and come home and help out around the house? I think I can have other interests. If she wanted to join a team or do yoga I wouldn't make her feel bad about it. She is the one who says she can't because the baby won't go to anyone but her. So, if she's playing with the baby, I should just sit and stare at a wall and not go for a run or do fantasy stuff?

I get what you are saying, but I know I can do the stuff that makes me happy and still be a good dad. My wife has always been independent since day 1. I don't get why all of a sudden she's complaining. I don't buy the happy wife happy life thing. If I'm always catering to her then I'm not happy, what good is that?

I do help out, just not to her standards I guess.
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post #7 of 77 (permalink) Old 09-04-2013, 11:21 AM
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Re: Did I screw up? Wife says yes, but I think she's overreacting

Life changes after you have kids and yes for a while you do just come home and help around the house. It's called parenting. And if you need free time you negotiate that and come up with a compromise that is agreeable to both of you.

You don't just leave because you're bored with watching your wife play with your daughter.
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post #8 of 77 (permalink) Old 09-04-2013, 01:58 PM
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Re: Did I screw up? Wife says yes, but I think she's overreacting

I understand what you're living. Nobody likes the bossy wifes, drives me crazy. I hate it! It seems like your wife wants to boss on you, you need to stop and realize what are doing wrong and what are you doing right.
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post #9 of 77 (permalink) Old 09-04-2013, 02:46 PM
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Did I screw up? Wife says yes, but I think she's overreacting

Cat litter should be done every day. Get over it. You want the cat peeing on your softball cleats?

Also, babies cry. It's what they do. You hold them, walk around with them, distract them, change their diapers, feed them, entertain them and eventually they stop. If you let a bit of wailing deter you, you're not a very good parent.

You sound a bit clueless to me. Sorry.
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post #10 of 77 (permalink) Old 09-04-2013, 04:04 PM
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Re: Did I screw up? Wife says yes, but I think she's overreacting

Only those so blatantly on the wrong path get so many negative post.

Hey you play softball and go to the gym. Well, I play two rounds of golf every week, work out and get some fishing in too. But every week I take my wife out on a date, go for lunch or just get her some flowers. When was the last time you dated and romanced your wife? Not bashing! Just like the others, I'm pointing out how a marriage works. And if it was neglected for years, the damage can take a while to be repaired.

BTW, not cool on the lack of B'day card. That's not what a woman wants.

Now what are you willing to do to fix this or are you so right to walk away?

"In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing." T.R.

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Last edited by anchorwatch; 09-04-2013 at 04:15 PM.
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post #11 of 77 (permalink) Old 09-04-2013, 11:32 PM
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Re: Did I screw up? Wife says yes, but I think she's overreacting

You are justifying your behaviour and telling yourself you are still a good dad. Doesn't sound like you are willing to grow up.

Read some parenting books. Letting the blind lead the clueless (you) hasn't done jack for your parenting skills.

Read some marriage books. Your selfishness and immaturity hasn't helped your marriage.

Apologize to your wife. Find MEN who know what life is really about to help you grow up. Maybe a men's group at a church.

Try some self-examination instead of knee-jerk defensiveness and justification. Try some empathy toward your wife. Just a hint to help you get started. You will have to stop thinking about yourself to do that.
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post #12 of 77 (permalink) Old 09-04-2013, 11:50 PM
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Re: Did I screw up? Wife says yes, but I think she's overreacting

How old is your baby?
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post #13 of 77 (permalink) Old 09-05-2013, 12:00 AM
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Re: Did I screw up? Wife says yes, but I think she's overreacting

I wasn't on my baby's radar until he was 3months old.

It was very frustrating for me as I wanted to be involved but baby didn't want to be with me until around 3 months. I hear you, but you have to try break in.

Kitty litter, dog poop and trash are not the things a man let's the woman he loves touch. Ever.

I hear you that women can be confusing. I am very confused most of the time. What I have learnt is that at certain times in a marriage a man has to show he cares.

Getting her a small inexpensive yet thoughtful 'I care' gift when she said no gifts would have been a perfect way to show her you care.

My wife became distant when she had a baby. Or rather I felt displaced by this wonderful little baby and it hurt to not be the center of the woman I loves life. It created a little resentment from my part that grew in a feedback loop between us.

Don't make my mistake. Build a new relationship with the mother if your child and your child. Do small token 'I care' things.

Right now she is needing action rather than words. Good Luck!
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post #14 of 77 (permalink) Old 09-05-2013, 01:08 AM
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Re: Did I screw up? Wife says yes, but I think she's overreacting

You are definitely not taking care of what you should.

If you can't remember put reminders in your phone.

Remind yourself every day to:
Take out the trash,
Pick up the dog poop
Take out the cat littler
Message your wife saying something nice
Tell your wife she's sexy/ beautiful/ has great hair or whatever is true at the time.

Spend more time interacting with your child. You sound so disinterested that must be disheartening for your wife. If the baby is crying learn to sooth it. Insist your wife have some time alone every day while you care for and actually do things with the baby. Show her you care and can be responsible.

Yes you can have hobbies, but your wife and child come first. Make sure you take care if them and your wife won't care if you go to base ball, and she will be even happier if you text her when you are out telling her you miss her and asking about the baby.

It sounds like you could easily do a whole bunch of little things that would make a big difference to your lives. Or you could keep on keeping on and end up divorced. It's up to you.
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post #15 of 77 (permalink) Old 09-05-2013, 01:27 AM
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Re: Did I screw up? Wife says yes, but I think she's overreacting

Cat box.. look up kitty litter and human pregnancy. Do not let your wife clean the kitty litter.
The best thing you can so is to get an electric kitty litter box. It self-cleans after each kitty visit. The dirt goes into a bag. Then you just throw the bag out. There are even kitty toilets now that flush

Shop for this Littermaid Classic Self-Cleaning Cat Litter Box and more kitty litter products at Walmart.com

This self-cleaning litter box automatically flushes all cat waste out of the home then washes itself completely clean.
CatGenie 120 Cat Litter Box - Self Cleaning Litter Box and Automatic Litter Box from petco.com

I had the electric one with my last cat. I will never go back to a normal kitty litter box. When I get my next cat, I’m getting one of the ones that flush. Oh yea.

No matter what kind of kitty litter box you have. YOU clean it daily.
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