Disrespected

CALI10 · 03-07-2010, 04:49 AM

I have been married approx five years now. A few months ago we had an argument and it was not that big of an argument, because we have had worst, but this particular time he spit in my face and threw his wedding ring on the floor. I am not a big fan of divorce, but after this took place I have not felt the same way about him. I feel if you love or care about someone, how could they do something so degrading. That took a lot out of me and I have been searching for answers every since. I wanted to tell someone in my family and my best friend, but it was so embarassing and hurtful until I could not bring myself to tell them and I have been living with this for months and it is making me depressed. This is a one problem, there are many more and I am so tired.

Confused71 · 03-07-2010, 02:42 PM

It is hard when someone you love has done something to hurt you so deeply. Don't hide it from him, you have to tell him or it will get worse and you will divorce. I am not an expert but am going through something very similar and I waited a year and a half to say something and now I feel it is too late....
Talk

Rick K · 03-07-2010, 03:35 PM

I have a similar problem. My wife’s brother stayed with us for 9 months. During this time he encouraged the children to be disrespectful to me. Including my step daughter telling me that I could either do as she commanded, or "get the hell out". This scumbag also signed me up for several “Alternative lifestyle” dating sites. Not to mention several threats to my life. Then after he moved out, the children’s behavior became worse. My scumbag brother-in-law also like to recount the episodes where he would start fights with his stepfather, and how proud he is that he could "beat up" the stepfather. Now take this into account, my stepson is a violent bipolar, who is narcissistic. My wife claims that it is because I do not “handle him the right way”. I guess the “right way" is essentially giving into him. I have also been told that the children cursing at me, and disrespectful tone, is them expressing themselves.

Advocado · 03-07-2010, 04:44 PM

Like Confused71 I think you need to talk and talk soon. Is there a general tendency for him to be disrespectful with other people too or is this a totally isolated incident with you alone?

I am also wondering if he was remourseful straight after it happened - if not, I'd be concerned that it could happen again.

CALI10 · 03-07-2010, 06:41 PM

Unfortunately we have talked about it and he did not seem remorseful about it, he just made excuses. I am a christian and I don't believe in divorce, I have tried to honor my vows and do the right thing, but I don't think God is pleased with this and do not want me to be unhappy in this type of relationship. It's hard to move forward but I know I can't continue to stay in this relationship with this type of behaivor.

Rick K · 03-07-2010, 07:05 PM

If this person is not remorseful, then you can expect this behavior to continue. It is best to leave him now and get it over with. You should find someone that will respect you and not change one he gets what he wants.

sisters359 · 03-07-2010, 09:36 PM

What he did is a form of abuse. It did not "injure" you physically, but it was fully intended to degrade and intimidate you. Abusers may feel remorseful--but lack of remorse is clearly related to an abuser's mentality--they blame the victim and make excuses, "you just made me so mad. . . if you hadn't brought this up when i was so tired," or whatever b.s. (Many abusers are remorseful--until the next time they get angry, but no remorse is clearly abusive, if that makes sense).

Your response is extremely appropriate and valid, and a sign that you have a pretty good sense of self-worth. You absolutely do not need to tolerate this. It was abusive behavior, one of the "acceptable" reasons for someone to leave a marriage. If a stranger did this, you could have them prosecuted.

No part of me wants to encourage you to give him another chance, but there is always that possibility. I would encourage you to talk with a minister and probably a marriage counselor before making a decision about this, however. There is an element of risk involved in giving someone with a history of abusive behavior a second chance--or in giving them any sign that you are thinking about leaving. If you can walk away, trusting that your husband will be in God's hands, then it is certainly understandable why you would do so. Good luck and God bless, whatever you decide.