28 years of marriage What ca i do? - Page 11
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - Online Counseling - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Talk About Divorce and Separation »Considering Divorce or Separation » 28 years of marriage What ca i do?

Considering Divorce or Separation If you're considering divorce or separation, this is the place to talk.

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 05-19-2010, 09:28 PM   #151 (permalink)
Forum Supporter
 
Uptown's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 2,025
Default Re: 28 years of marriage What ca i do?

Quote:
Should i still fear him hurting us?
Le vieux, based on what you've told us over the past month, I would say yes. Yet, you know the situation a thousand times better than we do. And you are the one responsible for deciding what is best for your children. This, then, is a matter you must decide. Based on the way you've handled other problems, I am confident you will make the right decision. Be sure to get the recorded conversation from your daughter ASAP and make a copy for hiding. Also, think long and hard about whether is safe for you to return to your homeland with him (for a wedding, I believe). I realize you have let your son's passport expire -- that is very smart. Just make sure your H cannot get the legal upper hand in any way if you return to your home country for the event.
Quote:
Today he told me he took individual appointment with therapist ... Do you think i should contact her before his appointment?
As I said earlier, I believe it is a total waste of time to go to couples counseling with a BPDer, who will only play mind games there. As to his individual appointment with a therapist (psychologist?), it too is likely to be a waste of time if he is going only to appease you and keep you from leaving. Learning to control BPD is such a painful and difficult process, his only chance of accomplishing it (over a period of several years) is if he desperately wants it for himself. That seems unlikely given the way you have had to push him to that meeting. I therefore doubt that it much matters whether you contact the therapist or not. Call her if you want to. Like I said above, I trust your judgment in this matter.
Quote:
uptown you said your wife spent 15 years in therapy what was the reason to not improve? Was it bc of her?
Yes, she was not sufficiently self-aware -- and still isn't -- to recognize that she suffers from BPD. I paid for her to have weekly sessions with six different psychologists over a 15-year period, all to no avail.
Quote:
How can i know if he is starting to change? How much are the chances for my H to heal after this long time he is now 55 years old?
I addressed both of these issues in a lengthy post to you on this same thread about four weeks ago. It is at 28 years of marriage What ca i do? .
Uptown is offline   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 05-21-2010, 01:52 PM   #152 (permalink)
LVS
Member
 
LVS's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: California
Posts: 684
Default Re: 28 years of marriage What ca i do?

Hello my friends
The reason i am so quiet because i am doing a lot of rereading and searching and for most i was digesting all what i learned until now

uptown i reread most your posts one more time yes i have now clear mind while reading them so i understood them in better way

turnera i found the answer for a lot of my questions also in chapter 9 of the book why does he do that
I understand better what you were saying to me and why you were fearing him hurting me
Chapter 9 cleared so many things
yes that's what i am living and it's true he never hurt me even when he hit me there was no physical hurts

BUT after the way he was acting lately i can see him when he will lose every hope of getting me back
he is going to pursue me back as the one who destroyed his life and family i am afraid he might not hit me but i see nothing will stop him from killing me or maybe getting more depressed and trying to suicide or also maybe killing me and than killing himself

That's why i am thinking deeply to have the wise exit not the fast exit
the good plan that i want is not to leave him safe but to help him to admit me leaving i know this is the hardest to be done
But as i read it's not impossible
What i need to do is what they advice at bpd family for leaving a BPD
Leaving A Partner with Borderline Personalty Disorder-Joe Carver, PhD

WHY i need that????
Because i need to stay in contact with him for my kids even to be able to go to my country for vacation without fearing him hurting me

ANY SUGGESTION?????

Last edited by LVS; 05-21-2010 at 02:37 PM.
LVS is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-21-2010, 02:14 PM   #153 (permalink)
LVS
Member
 
LVS's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: California
Posts: 684
Default Re: 28 years of marriage What ca i do?

To update you

My H went to the therapist on Tuesday

He was talking to me about so many things but not about therapy
After 3 days not saying a word i asked him bc i need to know what are his next steps

He said he saw first a therapist (i think she is psychologist) After listening to him she told him that he needs to see psychiatrist to give him medication

He had the chance to see the psychiatrist at the same day

My H felt comfortable with him and told him everything and told him about the incident that happened a year after our wedding the reason that switched his life and turned him to be this ugly person

My H said that he told him that i am hating him and i need to be in separate houses
The pshy said NO she needs to stay and if she keeps seeing you treating better your kids she will change her mind

Than my H told him that he was thinking to give me a vacation where i go to a place by myself enjoy my time even with a friend of mine
The psy said NO in this vacation you should be together
(here i couldn't handle or count to 10 i was so mad)
I said what he said how can i go with you and i can't look at you or handle seeing you with me My H said not now it's after a while
I said i don't understand how he says that
My H said that he wants to talk to you but you weren't there but next appointment you can go if you want to
and i am thinking to cancel my appointment with the therapist and stay only with him

I said hold on first let me check what's the difference between psychologist and psychiatrist
After i checked on my computer i said you need to keep both of them and i need to go to both appointment i am not trusting this psychiatrist advice unless you told him the story your way
so you need to keep both of them at least until i talk to them
He said they are at the same page i said it won't matter i need to talk to them

The next appointment with the Psychiatrist is on 15th June
with the Therapist 1rst June

I feel something is wrong
I don't know if the psychiatrist's back ground is affecting his way or if it is what my H told him
I can't judge before seeing them myself

My appointment with my therapist next Tuesday on 25th May
and i will be taking her advice too
LVS is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-21-2010, 02:23 PM   #154 (permalink)
Member
 
turnera's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 22,528
Default Re: 28 years of marriage What ca i do?

First off, you have no idea if your husband is LYING to you about what the doctor said. Until I heard it from the doctor's mouth myself, I would completely ignore what your husband said he said about not leaving.

Second, the doctor has NO IDEA what YOUR side of the story is, so he has no right nor ability to judge whether you should stay.

Third, your husband most assuredly told this guy whatever, in the vein of 'I'm a good guy, I just need help' rather than my wife's afraid of me because I cuss her out, etc. So the doctor does NOT know the truth.

Fourth, the doctor wants him to keep coming, so of course he is going to tell him what he wants to hear.

Finally, like I said before, it makes NO DIFFERENCE what your HUSBAND'S doctor wants. YOU know what YOU need. Space.

Ignore it. You don't have to leave immediately, but by all means do NOT let him talk you into staying. He can do his 'fixing' by himself. In fact, he is much more likely to GET fixed, if you leave him.
turnera is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-25-2010, 06:22 PM   #155 (permalink)
Forum Supporter
 
Uptown's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 2,025
Default Re: 28 years of marriage What ca i do?

Le vieux, I hope your appointment with your therapist went well today. Is she a psychologist? If I recall correctly, this is your first appointment with her.
Uptown is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-26-2010, 12:03 PM   #156 (permalink)
LVS
Member
 
LVS's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: California
Posts: 684
Default Re: 28 years of marriage What ca i do?

Yes uptown it is my first appointment and thanks for checking on me
i couldn't post yesterday bc for some reason i can't connect my laptop to the wireless connection
i had to wait until nobody home to use the computer

I learned yesterday that the T is MFT and not a psychologist so the same thing to my H he saw a T not a psychologist
When i asked why the receptionist said the psychologist work with higher cases!!!!(so i don't know when i tell the T about BPD if she is going to recommend a psychologist!!! WHAT DO YOU THINK?????)

As it is the first time for me to see a T i didn't know how to benefit of my time with her bc she was asking questions and i was answering i had a little time for me to ask i think next time will be better

It's weird that she didn't give me any advice but she was agreeing that what i lived was wrong and she encouraged me to keep doing what i am doing

She encouraged me to talk to my H T and psychiatrist about BPD

I asked her if it's right to talk in front of my H about BPD she said yes it's the right place to talk in front of T and psychiatrist

She disagreed and said no way it's not true the psychiatrist would never say what your H told you (that we should not be in separate houses while he is seeking therapy)

When i told her that my H is willing to stop seeing the T and just keep the psychiatrist she said he should not. The psychiatrist can't do what the T does.

And she said she have to report to the CPS about my H hitting my daughter bc it is child abuse
i said this happened two months ago it is too late now she said it's not to the police and he won't be in trouble now they will come and talk to him so he won't do it again

I asked her if possible not do it now bc when i go to my H T and psychiatrist i am going to mention that in front of them and if any body reported it after that it won't matter she said ok i am going to wait till next appointment

Next Tuesday is my H appointment with T

About the situation home nothing changed except he is not talking to me to give me the space that i asked for(inside his eyes i can detect resentment)
He is still acting extremely nice with the kids staying calm and patient but i know as you know he might explode anytime bc

I have my weak time when i feel myself down. So much grief with dark memories flashing back drowning me in a deep melancholy especially now when i see him acting nice
I know his case and i know no one to be blamed i wish i knew about BPD long time ago.............

Last edited by LVS; 05-26-2010 at 12:15 PM.
LVS is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-26-2010, 02:53 PM   #157 (permalink)
Member
 
turnera's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 22,528
Default Re: 28 years of marriage What ca i do?

I'm glad you're getting such good advice. Definitely she needs to report the hitting, as we said; your H needs to hear from someone like the police that what he does is unacceptable. Not from you.
turnera is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-26-2010, 06:42 PM   #158 (permalink)
Forum Supporter
 
Uptown's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 2,025
Default Re: 28 years of marriage What ca i do?

Le vieux, thanks for bringing us up to date with your T visit. The reason that your T says he needs a psychiatrist is for prescribing medications. Of course, BPD cannot be fixed by medications but they can address some symptoms (e.g., depression) that usually accompany BPD.

Please be especially careful now that you are using the home computer. Before you exit the browser, be sure to go into tools or options and delete all history. That means deleting not only download history but also cookies and cache. I realize that you have said that your H is not computer savy but it would be easy for a friend of his to tell him how to examine the cookie and cache folders to see the addresses of websites you are using.

Moreover, erasing that information will not protect you if a friend of his drops by and puts a software program on your home computer that keeps a record of all Internet activity. It could even show the text you type in at the websites. I therefore am not pleased to hear that your wireless connection was somehow interruped, forcing you to use the "hard wired" computer that he has access to.

Finally, I agree with what Turnera just said above. Sigh. Seems I am always agreeing with Turnera.
Uptown is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-27-2010, 01:25 AM   #159 (permalink)
LVS
Member
 
LVS's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: California
Posts: 684
Default Re: 28 years of marriage What ca i do?

I am always agreeing with both of you
before i start i need to thank you for your concerns supports and advices

Now my concerns are about how to talk
to my H T and psychiatrist i am just worried

As for the computer i am using google chrome (incognito)
it leaves no trace (history cookies or cache)
i am even using it on my laptop too
bc if somebody tell him how
i think he can monitor my laptop bc i am using the same connection

Now i have no idea if he puts this software program if he can see what i am doing

But i know the really expert person in every single thing in the computer is my son 26 years he can access the computer from my country and check everything in it even fix problems and download programs......

As for the wireless connection i know it's not my H who cut it but my son was connecting his playstation to the ruwter
and i am not sure what he did so my connection is gone i tried to reconnect
i couln't the week end my daughter will come and check it for me

Any advice about the coming T appointment i really need it
Posted via Mobile Device
LVS is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-27-2010, 09:44 AM   #160 (permalink)
Member
 
turnera's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 22,528
Default Re: 28 years of marriage What ca i do?

I would write down on a piece of paper what you can accept and what you can't.

"I cannot accept a husband who hits me. Even once."
I cannot accept a husband who hits my daughter. Even once."
"I cannot accept a husband who calls me names, controls my access to money, keeps me from leaving the house, (fill in the blank). Even once."

Just go through your thread and write out a list of the things you've told us he has done. And put "I cannot accept..." whatever it is.

If you start talking and you feel under pressure, pull out the list and start reading it to them. Tell them THIS is how you feel and you will not be swayed because NO ONE ELSE is protecting YOU. So you have to protect YOURSELF. This list is you protecting yourelf.

I would also search and find a really good synopsis of what a BPD person is like. Print it out. Highlight all the things your husband has done. Hand that to your husband's therapist BEFORE you start.

Finally, point out that you WANT him to get better. You have hope he will. But you will NOT live with him until he IS better. PERIOD.

Remind them that you have suffered all these years and stayed with him. Now it is time for YOU to protect YOURSELF, and you will not do it with him in the same house.
turnera is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-27-2010, 02:58 PM   #161 (permalink)
LVS
Member
 
LVS's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: California
Posts: 684
Default Re: 28 years of marriage What ca i do?

I like your advice turnera i am going to work on that

Now i am in a bad situation of mind
I told you that finally he was giving me the space i asked for

BUT yesterday i came back from work to see his face smiling to me like if he wants to tell me something but he didn't i just said hi and went to my bedroom

I already told you that we are separated and he sleeps in our son's bedroom and my daughter sleeps in my bedroom
so while i was taking my son in his bed he pointed to the wall over his father's bed

I was shocked my H put around 10 pictures for me alone and others with my parents my sister and my best friend those pictures was taken when saying goodbye to me before i left my country and one picture for me and him
those pictures are mine and it saddens me just to look at them and make me cry

so i was shocked when i saw them on the wall i removed them while my son saying keep them mom....

I went to the living room and realized that he also put back a family picture he took it off 5 months ago
When my H saw me putting them back in the envelope he said with resentment why did you do that without asking me?
i said why you used them without asking me?
he said why not using them you should ask me before you take them off i said you should ask me before you use them
he said you need to know first why i did that i said i don't need to know you crossed my boundaries and you don't know how i feel when i see those pictures
you only care what you want and see it right but you don't care about my feelings than you take off our pictures together when you want and you put them back when you want i don't want to see our picture together

Here he said why you are treating me like that why you don't want to help me to heal and change???? Every time i try something you are rude to me even i am not allowed to say hi unless you said it first

I said don't misunderstand me all i asked you is to keep my boundaries and to talk the minimum and essential things in our daily life not the personal things so when you cross my boundaries i have right to talk like that to you

I walked to my bedroom and i left him depressed and crying
I ignored him but i felt soooooooo bad

Today i woke up as everyday early with my daughter she saw him awake he told her he had headache and didn't sleep all night

while taking my daughter school she asked me what happened and i told her and with really sad voice i said he is going to ruin my relationship with you
she said mom he is trying to show us that he loves you and care for you and wants to make it up for you and that you are not helping
I told her i am glad that she is understanding that and asked her to make this clear to her brother if he can understand it

NOW i feel myself awful i am not this kind of rude and mean and bad person in all my life i prefer being hurt rather than hurting the others what am i doing?????
i can see him unhappy i feel i want to give up i feel sad
but knowing about BPD scares me and i feel confused
i can't get back to the same unhappy stressing and boring life and i don't know if one day he is going to understand ??????????
LVS is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-27-2010, 05:08 PM   #162 (permalink)
Member
 
turnera's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 22,528
Default Re: 28 years of marriage What ca i do?

He is using the kids to guilt you back.

I am glad that he's at least engaging in something. But you have the right to want what you want - not just what fits with what he wants.

Is your daughter in therapy? Her taking his 'side' in this truly frightens me. He hit her, right? The fact that she isn't mad at him but rather wanting to see him happy tells me that she is already down the path of an enabler, and that is not healthy. Make sure you point that out to the therapist.

As I keep saying, he is WELCOME to make these changes. From another house. If he is not willling to do the LONG-TERM work to get healthy from another house, he doesn't really love you, but rather wants to control you for his own benefit.

Go ahead and thank him for thinking of you. But in the same breath tell him that you STILL have your goals, and one of them includes seeing him get help - elsewhere. Because right now, you don't want him. Not until you can feel safe again.

lvs, you are ALLOWED to not want him. No matter what therapists say, your kids say, your family says. YOU have the right to choose what is right for YOU. NOT him.

Once you both have been through therapy and you see REAL improvement from him, not 'gimicks' like putting up pictures to guilt you, and you feel safe around him again, by all means welcome him back home. But if he doesn't leave, he will never change. He will keep doing what he knows - how to manipulate and how to use the cycle of abuse patterns.

BELIEVE IN YOURSELF.
turnera is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-27-2010, 05:40 PM   #163 (permalink)
LVS
Member
 
LVS's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: California
Posts: 684
Default Re: 28 years of marriage What ca i do?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Le vieux sage View Post

while taking my daughter school she asked me what happened and i told her and with really sad voice i said he is going to ruin my relationship with you
she said mom he is trying to show us that he loves you and care for you and wants to make it up for you and that you are not helping
I told her i am glad that she is understanding that and asked her to make this clear to her brother if he can understand it
In fact in details this is what she said i know the way i wrote it made you get it differently Sorry for that

(She laughed and said i see this is a childish behavior he is trying to make us think that he loves you and care for you and wants to make it up for you and that you are not helping.)

My daughter is so much better than me with setting boundaries and she is not taking his side she is analyzing his actions and she understand why he does that and she was saying it's a childish behavior
She will never forgive what he did to her she distanced herself so much from him
She called me half an hour ago to tell me that he called her at school and asked her why she is staying after school and when he knew she is staying with her BF his voice tone changed and when she told him my mom knows he said you are like your mother both of you working against me and now you chose him over your father and he hang up
She said she doesn't want him to interfere in her life anymore
and yes i am going to take her to a therapist
very soon not only her my son too
Posted via Mobile Device

Last edited by LVS; 05-28-2010 at 10:54 AM.
LVS is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-28-2010, 06:01 PM   #164 (permalink)
LVS
Member
 
LVS's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: California
Posts: 684
Default Re: 28 years of marriage What ca i do?

As i read more and learn more i feel i still know nothing
As much as knowledge empowers me as much as i feel cuffed

While reading i learned that T or psychiatrist won't help him to heal from BPD but from depression bc what they look for is taking care of his feelings not his behavior they will ask me to know how to behave with him to get better and ignore my feelings

So i am not sure if i told them about him having BPD traits if this is going to help
Instead i think it is another card i am going to lose bc when he knows about BPD and he will project them on me and he will be able to mislead the T or the psychiatrist
I feel i need to do something i need to think of a smart way to talk with them

What do you think???

Last edited by LVS; 05-28-2010 at 06:10 PM.
LVS is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-28-2010, 06:07 PM   #165 (permalink)
Member
 
turnera's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 22,528
Default Re: 28 years of marriage What ca i do?

I would NOT be talking to the therapist or psychiatrist about him in front of him. I would set another appointment for yourself.

And don't decide in advance what they will or won't do. You're not them, ok?

Just do what you need to do for you. Tell them - privately - what you feel is the issue, show them the proof, and then tell them that you will NOT be reuniting with him until the tendencies described in the list you give them are GONE. PERIOD.

You don't care if they 'cure' him or not, because you are moving on with your life. If they choose to look at that aspect of him for HIS sake - in terms of him wanting to stay married to you - that's their choice. All you can do is state what YOU will be doing.
turnera is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
22 years old marriage needs help caritas General Relationship Discussion 3 03-04-2014 02:26 PM
After almost 12 years of marriage and 3 years of fence sitting... gopherstatedad Going Through Divorce or Separation 2 07-15-2012 12:31 PM
Marriage counseling after 35 years of marriage southern wife The Social Spot 7 04-03-2012 09:03 AM
After 21 years of marriage, is it over for us? TexasBorn General Relationship Discussion 7 04-10-2010 07:43 AM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads





Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 01:55 AM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage