turnera

He's just on the 'nice' part of the abuse cycle. He'll get tired of getting no results from this 'version' of himself, and he'll move on to another part of the cycle; if I had to guess, it will be the 'nasty/mean' version, trying to convince you what a horrible persron you are and make you feel guilty again.

Remind me again why you're meeting with him and your therapist?

LVS

He might turn back his ugly face because this is a part of his personality
Romantic text messages are not a part of it. He is using them trying to reach my heart
Sadly my heart is frozen lol But still with what he is doing is making me feel guilty because he is not touching my heart with his loving words...

About the meeting
He asked me to meet with him for important subject that he can't discuss in a letter or text message or even the phone.
He said if i don't feel secure i can get a third person even if i want a police officer but it is really important to talk.

I asked sister X if she can be with us she said my T would be the best if she accepts to be the mediator

My T agreed but still he doesn't know where we are going to meet or who is the third party. All what i wrote to him was the date and the time of the meeting.

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Le Vieux Sage

LVS

He just sent me a text message saying:
I believe anyone has a precious and very beautiful gem like the one i had will be so dumb or so crazy to lose it or give it away to someone else.

Two minutes later he sent another one
And I am none of those sure

As Affaircare described it this BS should stop i am starting to lose my patience. Those words make me feel sick.
Maybe by not saying or doing anything he is thinking that i am enjoying them.

He said it by his own words LIKE THE ONE I HAD "not i have" so he knows he lost it but he doesn't want to admit it.

Should i start to feel scared?? Because when i moved out maybe it wasn't a lost for him he was still having hope but with divorce close to be final he is feeling i will be legally free to be with someone else.

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Le Vieux Sage

turnera

I would definitely be having extra security measures, though he hasn't turned out to be as violent as I expected. Can you change the locks on your door? If your kids have a key, he may have gotten a copy.

He never HAD to use them before. Now he's pulling out all the stops to reach you. Expect more.

Can you contact his family and ask them to help him move on?

You have nothing to feel guilty about. If he wanted to be a good husband, he would have done so 20 years ago. You gave him PLENTY of chances; he just never respected you enough to care. His loss. Literally.

LVS

Today is our meeting with the therapist.

I was so sick, i couldn't meet yesterday with sister T (the psychotherapist) but i spoke with her on the phone
She asked me if i have a strong feeling that i want to go back to him i said sometimes i do and most what scares me is my feeling that something bad is going to happen and bring me back to him when i suppose not to do that.
She said do you feel like if you are under curse? I said i don't know about that but this is how i feel and it is a strong feeling that getting stronger day by day.

She said this is an energy power coming from your husband. He might be wishing and praying that something bad happens to you or any one of your family to bring you together.

She said she is going to pray for me to help me push this energy away and she is going to pray during the meeting time.

I told her i am sick and i might not be able to go and i may have to reschedule our meeting
She said no you are going to be fine and go to the meeting.

WOW this is impressing. I am doing better today and i am emotionally and mentally ready for this meeting.

Wish me luck!
Will be back to you after the meeting

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Le Vieux Sage

turnera

LVS, you can do this. Bring someone else with you, if you can. You're stronger than you think. Above all, do not sign anything and do not agree to anything! "I need time to think" is all you have to say.

LVS

I am back tired so tired it was more exhausting than i expected emotionally mentally and even physically because of the cold and stress my body is weak

Anyway it's like i read your mind turnera i said I NEED TIME TO THINK just because i was tired and because he was standing by my car talking and talking and talking to make me believe he changed...

Before i tell you what happened i forgot to mention that he fought with his deaf sister who also is as worse as he is with her mood swings

He called my D18 and told her that he is packing and he is going to leave to unknown place but he is not staying in his mom's house and he ASKED HER TO TELL ME that my S12 is going to stay with me because he can't have him anymore.

This happened last Tuesday

Wednesday he packed my S12 things and sent them to my apt and he said he is looking for another apt with a roommate....

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Le Vieux Sage

turnera

Things sound promising. You did great!

Be sure to give S12 lots of time and attention, ok?

LVS

I had little talk with my T first and she said that she felt relaxed to see the way I am talking in a really structured and organized mind.

First he looked at the T and said i just need to know why i am here?

I felt my T puzzled from his question I said you have a very important subject to say and i can have a third party anyone i want so i found the best one who knows better about our situation is my T

He looked back at her and said but there are things personal i don't want to discuss in front of you it is not a patient session

I said too late to say that, you should say that three days ago when you knew that the meeting is going to be with her.

He said true ok but i can not express myself like my wife does in English i prefer to talk in our language I have never talked to my wife in English

I also said i can ask if my T agree i will translate what you can not say in English

He started the conversation for around 10 min blablabla in our language and i was translating everything but than i said you are wasting time we don't have much time and everything you said you can say it in English then he started talking in English

The T was doing good by letting me answer his questions. She didn't have to take a side she was very logical with her answers and she told him in her way that getting back together for kids is not going to help them also she suggested to find a T to our son
He disagreed and said our son doesn't need a T he needs a family a whole family together to feel secured
She said even now you can communicate to give your kids what they need and they will feel secure...
I said what is affecting our son and our kids is because you are putting them in between I know the situation is so hard but we can make it less hard by being responsible our kids are not our friends they are our responsibility but you keep hurting them by putting them in between and saying bad things about me in front of them.

He said it is because you are blocking all my ways to contact you and you are not replying for my texts or letters
I said this is not true I don't reply when you talk about love and emotions when you talk about our kids I always reply...

Then he started talking about us and the way to get back together because i am his soul and he can't live without me
He pointed to a book i was holding it and said we are from different culture and people can't live by following what books say....
The book I was holding was a spiritual book so I showed it to him and my T and I said I am not only following what the culture here or the books say I am following for most what my church and my Bible say and I don't regret anything I did until now and I am not willing to go back to the life I was living with you I am not going back to death...
Here I said you stopped seeing your T i wonder why?
He said I am seeing a T since 4 months i was waiting since a year for my company to approve it.

I said so you are going to a T through your company?
He said yes but don't worry I told the T everything and I said that we always had problems in our marriage but being laid of work affected me and made me lose my marriage. (That means he is going to think well about what he is going to say to this T so it won't affect his case with his company since he is laid off work because an injury and he is saying that this fact affected his life at home and was the reason to destroy his marriage, BS)

The T said you are following therapy and she is doing the same and this is good for both of you even if you are not together. Your son still needs to see a T too in the mean time to help him to get through this in better way
He said he needs to go back to me I am his soul and he can't raise my son the right way if I am not under the same house with him....

Time was over the T asked me if i need to add anything i said i can't give any promises i am working on myself and he is working on himself right now i am not ready to go back i don't know in the future what will happen it could take a month it could take a year but i can't give any promise
He said no. What is keeping me going on and getting help and working on myself is the hope to go back to you i need a chance to prove to you that i changed. Can i talk to you outside i said i can't talk anymore i need to go i am not feeling good yet...

__________________
Le Vieux Sage

LVS

Sorry soo long i divided it in two posts

We walked outside the clinic and we shared the elevator he was saying that it is unfair to not give him a chance to show me how much he got improved he said he was defending me in front of his family and told them that he was mistreating me all the time he made my D23 talk back to me when she was mad at me and didn't want to.
I said all what you did is saying that I left you for someone else and I am very bad person he said every husband in my place will do the same and I am a very jealous person and I will always be.
I said I appreciate all the nice things you did and I will do the same if you need me it doesn't mean we should go back together.
He said that he was living hell with his family during these six months and the reason he got in fight with his sister was because his sister said that it's because of me he became this monster and he blew up to defend me...

He asked me and was like begging me to agree so he can be a roommate in my apt he just want to be around the kids like that with time also maybe I will see that he changed from the way he is dealing with our kids
I said I don't have a room in my house and I don't need to see anything
He said it doesn't matter I sleep on the couch we can find bigger apt and I won't bother you
I said how you are asking to live with your divorced wife
He said I am going to tell everyone that we are just roommates just you can live your free life even if you have to be with someone else I will admit that I will help you with the expenses and with so many things around the house if you do so you save me from the hell that I am living I said you can get an apt and live in it he said he can't afford it he has so many bills to pay.......................................

I SAID I NEED TIME TO THINK I HAVE NO ANSWER NOW....

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Le Vieux Sage

turnera

Please reread your last post. I saw you slipping into saying YES one sentence at a time!

NO MORE CONVERSATIONS WITH HIM.

Ok?

NONE. Tell him that you will RECONSIDER your arrangements in SIX MONTHS.

Tell him that if you truly love each other, you will WAIT those six months for the healing and therapy to do what it needs.

By then, you will be strong enough (hopefully) to tell him to go away if he tries this crap again.

When I broke up with my abusive fiance, he fell apart. He came to my work every single day for months. He told me he had to drop out of college, he was so distraught over losing me. He couldn't stop crying, he couldn't eat, blahblahblah...

Yet, ALL THE WHILE we were dating, 3 years, he was cheating on me the whole time, manipulating me, ignoring me, and having the time of his life.

Suddenly, when I finally said no, he fell apart, while I endured 3 years of hell?

You know what?

Too bad.

THAT is where you need to be, LVS. TOO BAD.

LVS

You can picture what kind of situation i am in right now...

And he wants to be a roommate!!!!!!!

I can't see this is going to work in any way i feel a lot of pressure over my chest for just thinking of it.

Hard to say no to a destroyed person to someone who is begging for mercy and forgiveness...

Also i am picturing my kids reaction when there dad is going to live with a roommate and their mother didn't let him in her house.

I know i should not worry about that and he needs to solve his problems and he is the one who led himself to this situation. I know all that but i feel bad i feel sad and i feel guilt because i don't want him in my house in anyway.

__________________
Le Vieux Sage

turnera

Then you need more of a support system. You need people telling you that you are worth MORE than that, that your 'role' in this world is NOT to be everyone else's Giver.

He hasn't changed. He is still all about how miserable HE is.

Did he even mention worrying about how YOU have felt all these years?

When he stops talking about HIMSELF, when he starts saying 'you're right, I don't have any right to ask you anything, I"m just going to go away and let you have your life, because you deserve it.

And THEN, at THAT point, you should say, 'let's give it six months apart and then look at things again then.'

NEVER until then. Ok?

turnera

Now look at THIS last post.

It is ALL about how HE feels, how the KIDS feel, and your guilt.

Is that a valid reason to take an abuser back?

Remember when we were telling you that it would take him a year or two before he will 'get it' and that is only after intensive therapy on his part. He's not there yet. So letting him in would only put YOU right back under his thumb and CONVINCE him that he can do whatever he wants because you are TOO WEAK to protect yourself.

WhereAmI

He's trying to manipulate you by making you feel guilty. He knows what he's doing and he hasn't changed. Stick to your boundaries! They don't change because of how he feels, they have nothing to do with him, they are for YOU.