He called and left me a VM he said There are important things to tell you and they are long to leave them in a VM b/c I will need to record more than one VM
So I suggest to call you and you just hold the phone and I will say what I need to say then hang up
I could do that and maybe i should because it is about our S12 but i don't know how his voice shakes me from inside i feel my heart sour and not handling to hear him more so i sent him a text msg
I said What you need to tell me please send it in a letter.
He replied No way! i told u that before
I sent him another text i said Sorry but i don't like the tone you use with me i don't need to hear it even in VM so please limit your contact with me to a written letters or emails
He called back and in a VM he was yelling and said You don't like my tone but at least i didn't teat you like an animal as you did. This is the last time i am calling you, if you don't want to know what i am going to say you will lose and your S12 is going to lose so do what you want but just you need to know that i am leaving my mom's apt and disappearing by the end of the month so see what you are going to do with your son and who is going to take care of him when you are at work or bring him from school because i am not going to be present.
I replied by text message I am not going to comment to your accusations. Whatever you need to say you can write it down. Good that you said this is the last time you call because also it is the last VM i am going to listen to
If anything is important about our kids you can send it either by letter or by email and i will do the same
Thank you
Awesome! That was an excellent way to answer him. Now he's going to tell you that he is going to kill himself, like my ex and my husband both do, since this didn't work.
If he tries that, just tell him to think about his kids.
He called back and in a VM he was yelling and said You don't like my tone but at least i didn't teat you like an animal as you did. This is the last time i am calling you, if you don't want to know what i am going to say you will lose and your S12 is going to lose so do what you want but just you need to know that i am leaving my mom's apt and disappearing by the end of the month so see what you are going to do with your son and who is going to take care of him when you are at work or bring him from school because i am not going to be present.
KEEP THIS! It shows how unstable he is and that he doesn't really care what's best for your son. If he ever decides to fight you for custody, this will be a great thing to have!
It would also be a good idea to have proof of your texts before and after his outburst, as it shows you acting like a rational adult.
It's been wonderful watching your transformation. You have to be feeling really good about yourself.
NOTE TO SELF: On a practical level, it sounds to me as if you may want to start making arrangements with your work so you can take your son to school, and then make some after-school arrangements for S12 that do not involve his father caring for him--such as a sports program or going to a friend's house. Then if his father "disappears" you do have some arrangements prepared...and if he doesn't "disappear" you'll know it was all in an effort to control you and hurt you. Either way you and your son will be covered...and you've taken your STBX's threats seriously.
Awesome! That was an excellent way to answer him. Now he's going to tell you that he is going to kill himself, like my ex and my husband both do, since this didn't work.
If he tries that, just tell him to think about his kids.
I think I'd just call 911. That way she's sure someone is doing something about it and she doesn't give away her power over a probably idle threat.
No contact since last time. The ocean is so quiet after the storm or maybe before the storm i don't know lol.
I will see what i can do Affaircare. Thank you for the advice.
turnera and WhereAmI, as I see the situation from my view point
He is still not going to fight me yet. All what he is focusing on right now is getting me back and get back the family together.
That's why i don't think he is going to threaten to kill himself yet.
It is all about manipulation as you all suspect. All what happened in his dictionary is only an unsuccessful trial. I know he is going to try another one soon.
He still have hope not because he really has it but because he is refusing to give up and admit that he lost me.
He gave himself more hope when he said that he doesn't believe in civil divorce but he only believes in church annulment.
It is so clear that he found a way to keep the hope and as i see he won't focus on himself until losing hope either by getting the annulment or if i get involved with someone else.
I know if he thinks in rational way, we are in United States and i am free now to be with anyone else
But he is still refusing this fact. Till when? This is the question. How much he can resist the bad thoughts and how much he can hold on the hope. I can't guess but i know he is an impatient person.
I am going to try to find a way to deal with any possibility. Your posts are so insightful.
Today my D23 came and we decided to go out have lunch
She was thinking a lot with less talking. Suddenly she said Mom what do you think if we have lunch all together with dad?
I looked at her and said did your dad told you to ask it?
She said no
I said then why you are asking it? Do you want to mess up your day?
She said what would mess it up? Why not mom?
I said i don't think it is a good idea now.
She didn't respond. We went out for lunch and enjoyed our time but she seemed little distracted, something in her mind she didn't share it with me i can feel it has to do with her dad and how to bring us back together
I hope you can see that your inability to stand up for yourself and protect yourself has turned into your children's inability to stand up for themselves. I see it in my DD20 all the time. She BECOMES who I am.
You have to stand strong and not cave. You have to explain to your daughter that what her dad does is HARMFUL to you. That your #1 job in life is to protect yourself so you can protect your kids.
If she doesn't see that, well, that's her own journey to take.
I understand all the rational thinking
I know that i did the right
I know I would never admit that anyone treat my kids the same way i was treated.
I know if anyone living the same situation i was in my advice for them is to leave.
Then WHY I am still listening to my inner voice telling me that I need to go back to him and we are meant to be together ...... WHY i can not let go and move on?
I am scared to be sucked back to a destructive relationship
I know it is me who decides about my life but scared to come to a point where i surrender and listen to my inner voice and ignore everything
The reason i am saying so is because this voice becomes louder When i am in peace
When my H is calm and not pressuring me
When i am feeling better and under less stress
I know what I should do I know what i need and what i want then why i feel regret and remorse every time i think to move on with my life
This feeling weakens me when i should be more strong.
How can i give my kids the good advice when i am still struggling and confused and undecided
It is like i don't feel bad for myself if i go back to him but i feel bad for him if i move on
This is a proof that all what i am working on is failing and i am still putting everyone ahead of me
I am exhausted and what i feel is not helping me.
I feel sorry for myself because
With all the advice you and everyone are giving to me
With all your support and guide
With all the knowledge that i have
I am still feeling this way
I need to share with you my fears because i need to move on but......!!!!
Is there anything i still can do to help myself? I don't want to hate myself for my weakness...
I need to learn how to put my actions and my feelings on the same page
Because the way i am acting is the perfect and right way but the way i am feeling is still different
I remember Uptown words about my inner child
I guess this is why i am still struggling.
How can i help my inner child to grow? hmmmmm Can i do anything to help or i am going to stay like that all my life?
I think you should put more focus into getting more change in your life. You're not moving forward, so your past looks better, the more you get away from his anger and manipulation. The longer you're away, the more you forget his bad side. So his good side looks better, now that you are alone.
Have you gone and tried to make friends yet? Joined any groups?
I am trying to find a support group close to me. There is none in the city were i live. I called sister T the psychotherapist and asked her if in my parish there is any support group for divorced women and she said no not in our parish. She asked me why i am looking for it, I told her about my thoughts, she gave me appointment on Thursday at 9 am.
She was giving private lessons and saving money because her dad promised to sell her his car. When it was the date to buy the car he started pressuring her and manipulating her blaming her over so many things and belittling her and her boyfriend. He was a day giving her the car and take the money and the second day he takes the car back and give her the money and this happened more than once.
She was frustrated and crying trying to walk on eggshells out of her ways just to not make him mad at her because she needs him.
After manipulating her few days he gave her his car. This was last week. He was planning to buy her another car but he didn't tell her
Yesterday he gave her the keys and she was so happy now but i am not because he can manipulate her anytime because he is the owner of the new car.
Today he took my son shopping for clothes and yesterday he sent me with my D18 the AAA card (if i have enough money i would send it back but i need it and i can't afford paying for it)
So he is trying to show his nice side to me and the kids (as we all suspected so he is planning for something i don't know what it is)
He also told my S12 that he is going somewhere and he is not going to be present on his birthday which is on the 2nd of March
So is he leaving or not i don't know yet. Let's wait and see.
I am so with you. Well, you are ahead of me, but I completely understand the feelings of wanting those good parts. If they were 100% bad we would have walked away easily. Ours is not that simple. I was going to have hubby out by Saturday but I failed. Instead he took Friday off work to make his presense known and felt he could be nice enough to make me cave. We bought a car and had sex... It worked... but we are back talking about how he needs to go tonight... I don't really want to wait for the next blow out. I know it is hard to remember how it was but ... well... it was! You are not crazy and you are in the right :-)
Re: 28 years of marriage What ca i do? 
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