LVS, I have followed your thread but missed some, so I just want to ask, are your children in therapy? They really, really need it. Perhaps they could meet with your own therapist who can help them understand--in a way appropriate for their ages--WHY you cannot be with their father. I worry your S12 is fearful not just b/c of his age/tv shows, but all this uncertainty and his father's manipulations. It is very difficult for a child who has been told by a parent, "I'm leaving" if the parent makes it vague, not saying WHEN he will return. One of the top 3 things kids fear in divorce is losing a parent--and yet your son is getting old enough to understand that when his father says or does something like this, it is proof of his mental illness and, while sad, is nothing your son can control. I just really hope the kids are getting help. My ex was not overtly abusive but he is clearly mentally ill, and my children may need therapy if he doesn't pull himself together soon. I'm getting the same kind of guilt trip but in a different way--the message is still the same, I've caused all his pain and only I, by coming back to him, can heal him. I'm trying very hard to be supportive without giving him any mixed signals, and I just keep repeating, "you need more professional help." (That's what his therapist says, too, so it isn't just me!)
We cannot live our lives solely so that THEY won't be unhappy. And even if we tried, THEY WOULD STILL BE UNHAPPY. My ex was never happy before, and yours wasn't either--look at his meanness to you as evidence that he was unhappy. He thinks you can make it all better, but only HE can do that. It is hard not to give in, hard when the kids suffer b/c their father is so unstable. But if we can teach our kids that they are NOT responsible for another person's happiness, it will honestly be the best lesson we can give them for when they begin to have relationships of their own. God bless.
LVS, I have followed your thread but missed some, so I just want to ask, are your children in therapy? They really, really need it. Perhaps they could meet with your own therapist who can help them understand--in a way appropriate for their ages--WHY you cannot be with their father...
Not yet I asked my Therapist but she said she doesn't work with kids
Sister T from my parish is a psychotherapist and she is giving me a lot of help i am going to meet with her on Thursday and i will ask her if she can help my S12 i am sure she will i asked her before if she can talk to my D18 and she agreed but my D18 refused to go she said that she was in need in the past but now she is better.
Quote:
Originally Posted by sisters359
We cannot live our lives solely so that THEY won't be unhappy. And even if we tried, THEY WOULD STILL BE UNHAPPY. My ex was never happy before, and yours wasn't either--look at his meanness to you as evidence that he was unhappy. He thinks you can make it all better, but only HE can do that. It is hard not to give in, hard when the kids suffer b/c their father is so unstable. But if we can teach our kids that they are NOT responsible for another person's happiness, it will honestly be the best lesson we can give them for when they begin to have relationships of their own. God bless.
That is totally true sisters359 for him i am the reason of all his failures and unhappiness When i was with him he was unhappy because of me and When i left him he is unhappy also because of me. He is going to repeat it for ever that i destroyed him and didn't support or help him in all his life and at the same time he wants me back and wants me to help him and be with him for ever. Funny!!!
I am so with you. Well, you are ahead of me, but I completely understand the feelings of wanting those good parts. If they were 100% bad we would have walked away easily...
My problem is our relationship was almost 100% bad. When i say there is not even a single reason that makes me miss to go back to him i don't lie there is nothing nothing nothing
The basic things that should exist between couples were not there.
I didn't feel loved i didn't get respect no security no trust (not about cheating but about his instable and unpredictable behavior) no sex life most of it i was punished because he was not in the mood of having sex when he is unhappy or having problems with his father/his mom/his sister/his kids/me/his work/ or maybe if a president died in the south pole lol,
and when he became unable to perform sex instead of going to see a Dr he was also blaming me for not being manly...
What more, no communication, no sharing responsibilities, no opinion respected or heard, he never had a positive thinking, never know how to enjoy life, no happy moments not including frustrations and blame and guilt, he is always crying over the past not enjoying the present and not hoping for a bright future.
Every point i mentioned worth divorce and why i still have the thought of going back to him. Am i stupid???
Not stupid just used to the familiar and this is all so new and probably cold... you aren't alone though. I may be states away but all it takes is an email or PM :-)
I tried to contact the closest group support. They said they have only a workshop on the 26 of March. They tried to make a group support but no one came or showed interest so they cancelled it.
Nothing new about my divorce. I went to the Ymca today and asked the legal advisor the reason of the delay she said sometimes it may take couple weeks but the papers should be on the judge's desk waiting his signature.
Thursday I spoke to sister T the psychotherapist form my parish.
She helped me to feel more comfortable about myself and my decision and gave me her blessing to move on with my life lol
She said let's do the exercise to find out from where is coming the guilt that you are feeling.
She said the shame or guilt is not coming from you not coming from the time you were in the womb but it is coming from your culture.
She said also that she is going to try to find for me a group support.
I told her about my S12's condition and she said she doesn't work with kids but she can talk to him and see what she can do. She gave me 2 appointments for me on Sunday 6th March and one for my son tomorrow Monday 28th Feb at 4 pm.
By the way, I was going to take my son to celebrate his birthday with his friends on Tuesday the day before his actual birthday since i have work on Wednesday and his dad already told me thast he is going to leave to unknown destination by the end of February lol
Two days ago my son told me that his dad is taking him with his friends on Wednesday.
I said but i am taking you on Tuesday my son said no it is ok mom Wednesday is my actual birthday and my dad is able to take me. so i didn't say anything. Of course i am going to celebrate his birthday in my way but i am tired from the ups and downs.
Yesterday also my son said that on Monday morning (during school time) his dad is taking him to see his psychiatrist.
My S12 was asked to write a paper about everything disturbing him
I told him to make two copies from this paper one for the psychiatrist and one for the T.
Wow two appointments at the same day!!
I think to send his dad a text message and let him know that he doesn't have to take him at school time because i am taking him on the afternoon. what do you think? Or you do have another suggestion!
The therapy session for my son went so good and my son felt so much better.
Still no news about divorce. No contact from my H except my S12 called me on Saturday when i was at work to tell me that my brother in law is coming from my country and my son said if i need anything from there my BIL can get it with him. Also my D23 called me to tell me the same.
What would i want from there through my BIL? All what i would ask for are the albums of my kids since they were babies. Anyway i am not sure if i asked for them they are going to give them to me. So my response was thank you i don't need anything.
I feel a stone over my chest, i am trying to move it with all the positive things that i am doing. I am filling my time with all sort of things so i don't have time to think or/and suffer, but here i am exhausted and suffering. I am trying to do joyful things for me and my kids with the little free time left but i don't know how much i can handle this type of life. I am really exhausting myself.
It has been around two months i stopped taking the anti depressants.
I am exhausted physically not emotionally. I can't say i am ok emotionally yet but i don't feel i need to be back to the antidepressants. Maybe i need something energetic lol Red Bull maybe lol
Emotionally suffering maybe because i am still overwhelming myself with the future thoughts which i can't do anything about them right now except letting the time tell.
What i am going through is not easy. I know am not the only one in this world who went through these things, but i am very proud of the way i am dealing with my situation till now i don't want to let my hard work be wasted
So what i need to do is:
-Control my thoughts to not think about what i don't need to think about it.
-Focus on the present and live day by day.
-Save my emotional energy because i am doing great things and i will need to investigate this energy in positive things.
-Enjoy what i am lucky to have
-and be always proud of what i am achieving.
I like it too :-)
I have been nearly manic in my level of actaul productivity but I can't sit still right now... I do have a clean house though and the kids have more of me :-) I like building skyscrapers and coloring :-) and social studies :-)
Hi LVS, its been a while since I chatted with you, sorry to hear you stbx is still pulling the same old crap, seems he has a hard time grasping reality. Anyhow how is your divorce proceeding? If I remember right didnt he default on it, and doesnt that mean that you get exactly what you asked for? Thats what I was told would happen if I defaulted, I was not a control freak but was heartbroken and in a very depressed state. I am soooo glad I got a lawyer he saved me from a looooot of crap like my x ran up 8k of cc debt, my lawyer proved the money was not spent on community needs and so she gets to pay that debt by herself. Anyhow my D went final and while I really miss by best friend and the person she was, I am so glad the D is over. I can hardly wait for the day your D is final and hope it is as uplifting for you as it was for me. Good luck to ya
Re: 28 years of marriage What ca i do? 
