28 years of marriage What ca i do?

bluesky · 03-01-2011, 07:37 PM

If your marriage turned bad after your first child, why did you have 3 more?

LVS · 03-01-2011, 08:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bluesky

If your marriage turned bad after your first child, why did you have 3 more?

Thank you Bluesky for your question

Because the cycle of abuse got me deeply and because i never thought my marriage is going to end one day
until i ran out of all my patience and capacity to handle.

That's why i had my 4 kids and this is the only thing that we planned it together and we achieved it.

I know i shouldn't have more than one kid but also so many reasons played a role for having more kids. some of them are what i mentioned above

Shianne · 03-01-2011, 08:38 PM

LVS...

I just had to say that while some might not be able to understand why I do... I had 2 more myself...

We are going to keep getting stronger! every day :-)

LVS · 03-01-2011, 08:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Brewster 59

Hi LVS, its been a while since I chatted with you, sorry to hear you stbx is still pulling the same old crap, seems he has a hard time grasping reality. Anyhow how is your divorce proceeding? If I remember right didnt he default on it, and doesnt that mean that you get exactly what you asked for? Thats what I was told would happen if I defaulted, I was not a control freak but was heartbroken and in a very depressed state. I am soooo glad I got a lawyer he saved me from a looooot of crap like my x ran up 8k of cc debt, my lawyer proved the money was not spent on community needs and so she gets to pay that debt by herself. Anyhow my D went final and while I really miss by best friend and the person she was, I am so glad the D is over. I can hardly wait for the day your D is final and hope it is as uplifting for you as it was for me. Good luck to ya

Thank you Brewster for your words

Today i checked my case online as i everyday do and it seems i still need to wait
Here is what i found::

04/07/2011 8:30 AM DEPT. X DEFAULT HEARING

02/28/2011 CASE ASSIGNED FOR ALL PURPOSES TO DEPARTMENT X

02/28/2011 REQUEST TO SET UNCONTESTED MATTER RE: DEFAULT/PROVE UP FILED BY LVS

02/28/2011 NOTICE OF JUDGMENT NOT BEING SIGNED AT THIS TIME SENT.

Minutes
YOUR JUDGMENT WAS NOT SIGNED AT THIS TIME - PER THE JUDGE - LONG TERM MARRIAGE SPOUSAL.
TERMINATION - SET FOR HEARING/THE COURT WILL MAINTAIN YOUR JUDGMENT IN THE FILE PENDING THE.
HEARING.
NOTICES PRINTED

LVS · 03-18-2011, 02:10 AM

WAS THE PEACE TIME LONG ENOUGH?????

I FEEL MAD ANGRY SAD I FEEL I WANT TO BREAK EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE OVER HIS HEAD? WHY DOES HE DO THAT? WHY????????

One more time PUTTING OUR KIDS IN BETWEEN!!!!

What he is doing is killing me? HE IS HURTING THEM!!! I hate him I hate him I hate him!!!!

He grouped them D18 and S13 and told them that he wants to do a family vacation he wants to feel at least one more time as family going out together
He said we are going to go for 3 days vacation to another county your mom needs just to be present she doesn't have to talk to him and she doesn't have to pay any money also he is going to book a separate room at the hotel for me so i don't have to be with him at night
All what he wants as he said in front of them is to be in a family outing before he dies. He said he is not going to live for long time and he is having symptoms that tell that he is going to die
my D18 asked him what are those symptoms and he said they are private and he can't tell them.
My D18 said to him: we are not going to be a whole family like you said because my older brother and sister are not going to be with us plus you and mom are not going to talk to each other and be distant from each other this is going to mess up the vacation time.
He said at least you need to think about your little brother who wants to be with his family she said you should not say these things in front of him my brother needs to accept the reality and feel better about it but when you talk like that in front of him you make him hurt more and those words will stuck in his head and he will use them in any situation that he doesn't like...

blablabla and he told our kids to try to convince me to go....

My son was telling me the story and later my daughter told her part too.
Son was begging me to say yes and that he wants to be in a family outing he wants to see us together even if we are not talking to each other. He was begging me to think about it and send a message to his dad to give him my answer.
Daughter said as you wish mom.

I told my S13 while taking him in bed that it is not going to be fun to go in an outing like that i don't feel comfortable to go....and they are not going to enjoy it if we go like that maybe another outing in the future will go all together..Son said so many people are divorced and stay friends and go outing with kids
I said when your dad know how to talk to me and not talk these things to you maybe we can become friends....

Son started crying and crying and crying. I couldn't find the words to calm him down and i couldn't say ok i am going...
I left him in his room crying and came here to post how i feel.

Few minutes later my son came to me begging me to say yes... I told him go to bed and give me time to think about it. He went to bed with 1% hope.....

Any suggestion????

turnera · 03-18-2011, 09:12 AM

I would tell your son to go ahead and go on vacation with his sister and father. Giving in on this would be a HUGE victory for your ex and he would never give up if you do it.

I remember lots of disappointments in my childhood. Lots of them around my parents, who were divorced. I learned to accept it. This will just have to be such a time for your son. All you can do is keep talking to him about the psychology behind what's going on. That's what I did with my daughter when her dad would run her through the ringer like yours is - explain the psychology of what's being done.

Confused-Wife · 03-18-2011, 09:27 AM

Your son will be ok. He is young and selfish right now. He just wants a vacation. That sounds bad, but I mean it in the best way. When he is older, he will remember back on this and understand why your couldn't go, and he will appreciate you even more for it. He is just young now and doesn't understand.

Don't give in. Don't go. It would be the worst thing that you could do. Plus, you don't know what your ex has planned. He could potentially put you in a very dangerous position. Keep yourself safe!

LVS · 03-18-2011, 11:15 AM

They are not going to go if i don't. Their dad is waiting my answer to make the reservation.\

The way my son was crying hurt me so much. I can't do what his dad planned and i can't tell him no it is shattering my heart.

turnera · 03-18-2011, 01:33 PM

As painful as it is, YOU are the adult and you know why you have to say no. Part of being a parent is doing what is right, even when it's hard. You're being a better parent; remember that.

LVS · 03-21-2011, 12:18 AM

Thanks for the advice
I said no even my son was saying his that i am selfish not caring for the family and not doing at least one thing nice to them....(same daddy's words) hmmmm..

Their dad showed them that he is disappointed and unhappy and was also saying that i am selfish not caring about the family blablabla....

Friday i asked my kids for a meeting
I told them why i said no and i told them maybe in the near future we might go outing all together when their dad start doing and saying things as they suppose to be said and done.

I told them when i chose divorce it was a very hard decision i had to take it doesn't mean i wanted it, it means i had to take it...
By taking this choice i lost the family i dreamed to have, i lost my husband, i lost his family and all the family friends, i am by myself with all the responsibilities that i should handle in a strange country with no family to support me
But i am always the happy person who wants to enjoy every single moment with you
This means i choose to be happy with the hardest choices i had to take and all the obstacles i had to cross...

My D18 was supporting me and my son hugged me and i am glad that i was able to say things the way i said them..

Thanks one more time for your advice and support

LVS · 03-21-2011, 12:39 AM

Yesterday was very hard and long day. I was crying and despair.
I was thinking of the lost

I WANT TO BE BACK TO HIM BUT I CAN'T!

I WANT THE FAMILY TOGETHER BUT IT IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN!

I WANT TO FEEL SECURE AND SAFE AND STABLE IN MY LIFE WITH A MAN AND A SHOULDER TO LEAN ON WHEN I NEED BUT I CAN'T SEE ANY OF MY NEEDS IS GOING TO BE MET WITH HIM!!!!!

I AM NOT GOING BACK TO HIM!!!!!!

I AM MAD!!!!

I AM ANGRY!!!!

THIS IS THE TIME FOR ME TO LEAVE THE FENCE AND MOVE ON!!!!

Affaircare · 03-21-2011, 02:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LVS

I WANT TO BE BACK TO HIM BUT I CAN'T!

I WANT THE FAMILY TOGETHER BUT IT IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN!

I WANT TO FEEL SECURE AND SAFE AND STABLE IN MY LIFE WITH A MAN AND A SHOULDER TO LEAN ON WHEN I NEED BUT I CAN'T SEE ANY OF MY NEEDS IS GOING TO BE MET WITH HIM!!!!!

LVS~

May I point out to you that what you are mourning is not the loss of your husband the way he actually IS. You are mourning the loss of the ILLUSION that you thought you had.

You thought you had a lover and life partner who would care for you (Illusion). In real life your husband is not concerned with your sexuality or a life partner who even is aware of you at all, because all he cares about is himself.

You thought you had a caring father (Illusion). In real life your husband is absolutely willing to hurt even his own children in order to get what he wants.

You thought you had a man who wanted you for YOU (Illusion). In real life your husband wants you for what you can give him and to use you as his puppet, maid and blame.

You thought you had a happy, loving family (Illusion). In real life you had a father who didn't care for his own children, and children who were being taught it's okay to mistreat and misuse other people.

You thought you had security, safety and stability (Illusion). In real life you lived a life of constantly being afraid, threatened, and manipulated into being who you are not, and doing what is against who you are!

You thought you had a shoulder to lean on when you had need (Illlusion). In real life he USED you and never did comfort you or even consider you or your needs.

My friend, what you are mourning is not the man that your husband really is because I believe even you can see that he is centered around himself, willing to hurt others, and unable to be loving or in a mutually respectful relationship. I honestly do believe that you do SEE that. But you mourn...not for him but for what you THOUGHT he was: a safe, comforting, loving, thoughtful, kind, gentle, supportive, husband and father. You had an illusion, and now you see the real truth and realize that you do not have your illusion (never really had it). This is sad...and it's worthy of your mourning.

turnera · 03-21-2011, 09:38 AM

I'm so glad you sat them down and had that talk. That is the adult thing to do, the responsible thing to do. And communication always is the best choice.

As good a person as you are, I have no doubt that you WILL find the right man for you, who will give you all the things you're mourning for.

LVS · 03-21-2011, 10:50 PM

Affaircare you are so right i agree with all what you said.

I know it is hard but he is making it easier for me by giving me the push to move on each time he acts stupid!!!!

I feel sorry for him and good for me with the anger that i am feeling i am moving faster to the end of the tunnel!

Thank you my friends for the sweet words it means to me a lot your presence with me at this time

Also i am seeing sister T the psychotherapist weekly and she is giving me a great help.

turnera · 03-22-2011, 09:51 AM

Glad to hear it.

LVS, you are WORTH this, ok? Know that.