28 years of marriage What ca i do?

LVS · 03-22-2011, 01:43 PM

I have an update but i am going to put it on a different thread i will link it to this one

LVS · 03-22-2011, 02:23 PM

This is the link of my new thread

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/dating-...tml#post280372

LVS · 04-03-2011, 04:00 AM

Time for another update

Today my D18 sent me a text message while i was at work she said her dad told her to tell me that her grandma is going to come over tomorrow at noon and he told her to ask me if i am ok with that..

I sent her replied and said please don't ask me anything for your dad.

I feel really mad i use to visit my mother in law almost every morning.

A week before i moved out she sent me a verbal message through my D23 saying that i am not welcomed in her house because i am treating her son bad and until things are fixed between me and my H i can't visit her anymore.

I understand her position as a mother and the way he is telling her things and twisting the truth but the way she kicked me out irritated me without even talking to me in person...

I don't want to see her nor anyone of his family who also cut any relation with me and treated me like if i am not existing...

I can guess why she wants to visit me now and i don't feel comfortable to see her. Or hear her asking me to go back to her son or trying to break my heart....

In addition the court default hearing is next Thursday and i am so nervous about it so i don't need more stress...

Also i don't want to be rude in my response she is my kids grandma.

What is your suggestion? Should i say yes and meet with her??

Uptown · 04-03-2011, 08:06 AM

LVS, at issue is whether you stand more to gain (having your first opportunity to explain your side of the story to her) than to lose (not enforcing your personal boundaries against a person who betrayed your decades-long friendship without even asking for your side of the story). If you believe your STBexH got his BPD traits from his mother, the answer is easy.

If not, I suggest considering whether there is anything substantial to be gained by giving her your side of the story. In any event, there is absolutely no reason she should be allowed to dictate the date of the meeting. If you decide to meet her, delay it until after Thursday. If she is unwilling to delay it, it is clear that her only purpose is to influence the outcome of the hearing, not to hear what you have to say.

I wish you the best at the Thursday hearing!

turnera · 04-04-2011, 09:54 AM

I agree. Send her an email or something saying you'd be glad to see her, but unfortunately, you won't be available until Friday. Will that be ok with her?

LVS · 04-04-2011, 11:21 AM

turnera i don't want to set time for her because i still don't know if the judge is going to sign the paper or not.

In fact uptown my MIL was the submissive wife with a Bipolar or BPDer H he betrayed her and he was so much worse than my stbxh and she stayed with him
I can't compare myself to her if she stayed maybe for her it means i should stay and keep my marriage but for me no. My days are different my options are different and I am a different person.... I have stayed more than enough...

I don't care to prove her anything or to let her hear my side of story i know what i did i needed to do it and i don't regret it and at this point i don't care about what anyone elses think or say.... (I grew up fast

)

I care to stay in contact with them for my kids only.

Yesterday my D23 called me by phone and told that her grandma likes to visit me to have coffee together.

I told her, few months ago your Grandma told you to tell me that she cut me from her life also did all the big family members...
No body gave me chance to talk....
Now your grandma wants to come to see me today and i also should say yes she is welcomed..
I am not going to say it. I am hurt from all of them. I am not saying i don't want to see her but i need time to think and work on my hurt to be able to see her. It is not when she says no that i stop seeing her and when she says yes i should run for her... If she wants to see me to guilt me or beg me or try to influence my decision about your dad she will be wasting her time and mine. It is not going to work.

Not you nor her or anyone else will make me go back to your dad only if you can give me one thing that makes me want to go back to him only one thing. One more time my D23 failed to give me one reason to go back to him SAD BUT TRUE.

My D23 was trying to defend them and asked me to walk in their shoes.

I told her i spent my life walking in the others shoes no one tried to walk in mine. I can't blame her for what she did because of the way your dad twisted the reality for her but also no one can blame me for what i did or what i am doing and i have the full right to do it.

My friends i am going to meet with my MIL (MAYBE) but only when i am ready and feel comfortable. (I said maybe because when they know nothing is going to change my mind she will not want to see me).

LVS · 04-04-2011, 11:31 AM

I am glad i had this conversation with my D23. Only my kids are the ones i care to have them understand.

.....She said she wants to meet with me and her dad to judge who is right and who is wrong.

I told her no i don't want to put you through this. Only one thing you need to believe it that i didn't leave your dad for someone else. I don't care about the rest if you still don't remember the things that were happening and made you leave and move out the things that i handled for 28 years if you still don't understand why i did that!!! One day you will!!! (She knows and understand)

I also said stop letting your dad use you. You have enough stress in your life you don't need additional stress. As long as he is blaming others and using you he is not going to focus on himself and he is not going to try to heal. This is his only chance to get better if he wants to use it. Your dad is trying through you and his mom to force me to go back to him but this is not going to happen he needs to understand that. What he is going to do more? HERE MY D23 SAID WHAT IS COMING IS GOING TO BE WORSE

I said stop listening to his threat. He is using it to keep you feeling guilty and wanting to work more to get us back together. Please stop letting him do that to you.... You can't do anything and it is not your responsibilities.
He is responsible of his actions and he needs to deal with any consequences NOT YOU OR ME OR ANYONE ELSE.

I told her I don't care let him try whatever he wants if he wants to hurt me financially maybe he can hurt me but it is not going to bring me back to him.
When i say i prefer to walk bare feet ripped clothes with no food and no shelter all for me are better than going back to your dad, here you should get your answers. Even if i have to die tomorrow it is fine with me, everyday i am living is an extra day is a bonus for me because i was going to die way before now if i stayed with your dad.....

What do you think his next step is going to be??
I know he is paying my health insurance and car insurance and i am expecting him to cut that after the divorce is final and i am trying to be ready for that.

turnera · 04-04-2011, 01:24 PM

LVS, I am SO proud of you! Your strength is amazing, and I think that, in a few years, your older daughter is going to start emulating you - she just has to finish going through her 'daddy' years first. Good for you for being such a good role model for her. You have done much more than I ever could have.

LVS · 04-05-2011, 01:08 PM

When things happen and i need to be strong i become even stronger but when things cool down and i live in peace for a while i start thinking to try to admit to go back to him

I know i am not going to do so but i still have those thoughts in mind.

LVS · 04-05-2011, 01:16 PM

Today i had to cross the silence and send him a text message.

My brother the monk is going to visit my sister in Holland and he is inviting me on his expenses to go with him and take my S13 with me.

I sent a text message to my H 10 min ago to tell him that and to ask his permission to take my son with me. He still didn't reply.

turnera · 04-05-2011, 01:40 PM

He'll probably try to use this as a way to make you talk to him. Be prepared.

LVS · 04-05-2011, 06:45 PM

You said it turnera But he didn't reply

My D23 called me and asked me to meet on Sunday with her and her dad because he had things he wants to talk about.
I said he should ask me to meet and not pressure me. All i asked him is if he give me permission to take your brother with me to visit my sister we don' need to talk about it....

...My D started yelling on the phone saying to leave her alone and stop putting her in between she said she doesn't care for anyone of us she care about her brothers and sister...

What happened is she fought with her dad on the phone...

I told her i am trying to talk directly to your dad do not put yourself in between and do not do what your dad asked you to do.
She was still yelling and said this is the last time i do this and she asked me, why you just want to leave him and not give him a chance to talk (for real???) (it is like all what i talked to her on Sunday was BS!!!!!)
I told her i already gave him chances to meet together and i didn't like the way things ended so i don't need to give more chances whatever he wants he can send it by letter or text message.

She blamed me and said if you don't want him anymore why you still give him hope
I said i am not giving him any hope
She said yes when you say he is not going to change it means if he changed you are going back to him and by saying that you are making him work hard on himself to change (BS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)( I am tired ) i said no chances and i am not going back to him. She said you still need to talk to him

We ended the conversation because i was tired of arguing i told her that i will talk to her later even she was insisting get an answer right away but i insisted to hang the phone and talk later...

turnera · 04-05-2011, 09:39 PM

It's really sad that she's turning out this way. I wish she would go to a therapist, because the therapist would set her straight.

fwiw, she treats you like this because she KNOWS you love her; she can treat you bad and you'll still love her. But a girl her age still needs her dad's approval, and she'll bend over backwards to get little bits of praise from him. She's stuck trying to please him. And she may always stay that way.

LVS · 04-06-2011, 08:49 PM

I am tired and trying to push the dark thoughts away but still feeling sad and tired of fighting against the flew. I wish I can run away to a place where no one knows me......

I can't think clearly about how to deal with him. It's like nice things should not happen to me. I don't have a lot of time my brother needs to be at my sister's by the end of April.
I don't know till now if I can go because if I don't take my S13 with me I can't leave him any place!!!!
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Affaircare · 04-06-2011, 08:57 PM

LVS~

Write him a letter and keep a copy. In the letter tell him that you plan to take S13 on a trip to (City) from (date) to (date) and that S13 will be in phone communication with him every day during the trip. Say that you are INFORMING him of your travel plans and that unless he notifies you in writing with an alternative to taking your S13 with you, that you intend to carry out the plans.

The End.

Then if he texts or calls or tries to put your D23 in the middle, he has not notified you in writing. If he writes or emails you that he is willing to watch your son, then that is an alternative you can consider. If he just "disagrees" or "won't allow it" then he has not provided you with an alternative.

So if he does not write or email, you carry on taking S13 with you...assuming you have "agreement." If he does write with no alternative, print it as documentation, along with your letter and still proceed with the trip. Finally if he writes and says he'll watch S13 then consider that alternative.