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Considering Divorce or Separation If you're considering divorce or separation, this is the place to talk.

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Old 05-13-2010, 08:51 PM   #121 (permalink)
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Default Re: 28 years of marriage What ca i do?

Le vieux, I agree with Turnera and ADM. Keep moving toward your objective. It is unclear whether having him join you at the therapist will be productive.

On the one hand, it likely destroys any chance of getting a candid assessment from the therapist, who now will be loyal to two clients instead of just you -- with him playing nice guy all the while. On the other hand, it may molify your H and thus keep him calmer until you are ready to leave.

Living with an emotionally unstable man is very disorienting and confusing because he has no stable image of who he is. This means that much of the time he is acting and he has no idea today how he will feel tomorrow. Living with him is the closest you will get to living with Alice in Wonderland, where everything turns upside down periodically. Many partners of BPD mates say it is like living in Oz. So don't beat yourself up if you periodically feel confused. That is to be expected while you are still living with him.
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Old 05-14-2010, 03:25 AM   #122 (permalink)
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Default Re: 28 years of marriage What ca i do?

No uptown i am going to a different therapist in different date and different place than the one for couples therapy
so i am counting on my therapist to be able to help me by communicating with the other therapist about my husband situation

ADM i am not trying to make you worried about me but i need to work step by step i don't think i am lowering my weapon it is only one step to the back but as i said i am going to use it to do two steps forward
and i am trying to keep him calm this time until i will be able to make a safety plan

turnera i was always resisting \against his controlling way but he was dragging me back with his tactics it's two months since i started resisting in the right way
you really helped me with your post to clarify my mind it's was so important to read them highlighted the way you did it
i am aware of his manipulative way and all his tactics but i have my moments where i weaken and can't think with clear mind
there is so much going on in my mind
my son's wedding next summer and we suppose to go to my country for the wedding
i was hopping to handle until that time i was even hoping to handle until my little son turn 18 but 6 more years that's impossible to handle not even one month in this situation
but those are some of my thoughts that are stressing my life so if i broke up with him i won't be able to go for my son wedding not even have the finances needed for the trip

Last edited by LVS; 05-14-2010 at 04:04 AM.
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Old 05-14-2010, 09:01 AM   #123 (permalink)
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Default Re: 28 years of marriage What ca i do?

Shoot, by next summer, you'll be working and saving money and can even qualify for a loan to pay for the trip, if you have to! Don't worry about those things. I know it's hard to imagine, but from what I've read about people who leave bad situations, they are so surprised about how good they feel, that they kick themselves for waiting so long. Just to wake up in the morning and be glad, and not to worry about what will happen that day, to not have to think about what they'll do to get 'in trouble'...it's a whole life change. I can't wait to hear from you after you leave, and you tell us how full of hope you now are.
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Old 05-14-2010, 04:06 PM   #124 (permalink)
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Default Re: 28 years of marriage What ca i do?

WHAT HAVE I DONE TO YOU??????????????????
These was his words

Here is the story
i was making my coffee and he was trying to be nice and smiling i said why you are talking to me?
him: why shouldn't i talk?
me: i don't want to talk to you anymore
him: why
me: because as you said i am the one who trigger your anger with
whatever i say
Plus don't think that you did what i want because couples
therapy is the same like marriage counseling
him: so what do you want?
me: i told you a psychologist
him: first we should go to see them than they will direct us to a
psychologist
me: but i am still insisting to be in separate houses while
attending therapy
him: why what have i done to you to deserve that?
the whole week when your brother was here did i do anything
wrong to you and wasn't i taking care of your brother? it is
not enough for you? to see me willing to change
me: we were talking to each other just because my brother was
there and you took care of him not of me. i already took care
of your parents and i am ready to take care of them at
anytime they need
this doesn't have anything to do with our relation
him: but you know we don't have money
me: so you are telling me if i have the money i leave?
him: why you want to take the kids away from me i can't live
without my son can you?
me: yes if i have too i will miss him like i miss his brother and
sister who left home long time ago
him: do you know if we are away there is a risk that we could be
away for ever
me: it is possible but also it's possible to become closer but if we
stay in the same house we won't be able to get closer.
him: do you hate seeing me this much?
me: you drove me to that
him: just tell me what have i done during your brother visit and after he left till now? don't i at least deserve to have second chance
me: what you done before that took all the chances


Than i went into my room and locked my door (he was talking with a very nice voice all the time not raising voice or yelling)
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Old 05-14-2010, 10:09 PM   #125 (permalink)
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Default Re: 28 years of marriage What ca i do?

Just keep repeating that he CAN have his second chance - from another home.
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Old 05-15-2010, 09:44 PM   #126 (permalink)
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Default Re: 28 years of marriage What ca i do?

Is this a new tactic? he never used it before
I can't understand what is going on in his mind after our conversation he was acting normaly and before i leave to work he called me to show me a fitness machine he got it through his doctor and he told me i can use it to exercise any time without asking him
I said i am not exercising anymore
I left home confused how can he ignore everything i said like it didn't happen it is like he deleted it from his mind ??????!!!!!!!!!!

I have a question: during our conversation he said if i want to leave i can't take my son with me
because i don't have enough money and i can't pick him up from school during my work days
Can he in anyway have the custody of our son he is 12 years old this point scares me
if he went through the court and if he has a good lawyer what are the risks to take my son away from me
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Old 05-15-2010, 11:31 PM   #127 (permalink)
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No. You will at LEAST get 50/50 custody. In many states, if your son is 12, he can tell the judge which parent he wants to live with, and the judge will honor the child's wishes.

He CANNOT take your son away.

As to what he is doing, this is just one more in that wheel I told you about, another card in the deck. This one is called "I'm going to pretend she never said anything, and if she wants me out, she's going to have to physically get in my face and tell me to get out, and I know she's too weak to do that."
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Old 05-16-2010, 03:21 PM   #128 (permalink)
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Default Re: 28 years of marriage What ca i do?

Everyday there is something hard
he called me i was in my room he was asking me if i want to have lunch home or go out bc my daughter of 22 years is coming to visit
i said i don't care he said you need to pick something you like to do
i said i want to be with my kids it won't matter where
he said you don't want to go out i said i don't care if i want to i would be out of my room
he said if u want me to be outside home to go out of your room i will leave for couple hours
i said you know what i want but you try to ignore it
we hung up
Few minutes my son came to my room upset
he said in a rude way mom you can come out my dad left
his way shocked me i came out and asked him why he said so
he said (in a blaming me)didn't you tell my dad to leave so you can come out now he left
i had a conversation with my son to highlight little bit his father's wrong way
my son see his father has right to get upset and we should avoid talking to him the way we do(me and my daughter)
i tried as much as i can to explain things to him but i believe that the cycle of abuse make things not clear for him
my son said my father changed now why you don't try to renew your marriage
as much as i try to explain with his young age he won't be able to understand
i can't blame him i wasn't understanding anything
i can make him read about abuse but i don't know if i should do that i don't want to confuse him he is in hard situation i wish i can protect him from going through all this crap
i can't understand how his father do that to him
i know he wants him to hate me to gain him in his side but he is not caring about the effect of what he said on his son
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Old 05-16-2010, 05:14 PM   #129 (permalink)
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Yes, he needs to understand what abuse is. You can show it to him, read to him, and explain how it applies to your marriage, in an age-appropriate way. You can do this without calling his father a bad person. In fact, when I talk about abuse, I have COMPASSION for the abuser, because he is more miserable than WE are - he cannot love.

Explain to your son that his father will never be able to be happy until you leave him and he has to seek help.
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Old 05-16-2010, 09:42 PM   #130 (permalink)
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Default Re: 28 years of marriage What ca i do?

He asked us, me and my 3 kids for a meeting

I hope you can advice me before this meeting

I am scared about his very nice way

I don't want to be the criminal in their eyes

They see how much he changed

They don't know what i know

The meeting is within 30 minutes
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Old 05-16-2010, 10:31 PM   #131 (permalink)
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I hope I am not too late - no internet access - but do NOT go to this meeting without outside help!

DO NOT GO!

He is doing it so he can convince all your children that you are crazy or mean or evil.

DO NOT GO!

It is what abusers do!
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Old 05-16-2010, 10:34 PM   #132 (permalink)
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Default Re: 28 years of marriage What ca i do?

turnera we are at the same house

all my kids are here

the meeting is going to happen be within few minutes

i can't run from being in it
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Old 05-16-2010, 10:38 PM   #133 (permalink)
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Then call your best friends and BEG them to come over and be WITH you in the meeting.

lvs, this meeting is ONLY TO BEAT YOU DOWN.

Do you understand this?

He has only ONE GOAL in life right now - TO MAKE YOU STOP LEAVING HIM.

THAT IS ALL.

DO NOT DO WHAT HE WANTS WITHOUT PROFESSIONAL HELP WITH YOU AS WITNESSES.

PLEASE listen to me!

I have seen this happen with SO MANY abused wives. The man has no options left. He KNOWS your children are your weakness. He is WILLING TO DESTROY YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR OWN CHILDREN JUST TO CONTROL YOU AND STOP YOU FROM LEAVING.

This is NOT a game!

PLEASE do not DO THIS!

Go get a room at a hotel if you have to. PLEASE!
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Old 05-16-2010, 10:43 PM   #134 (permalink)
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Default Re: 28 years of marriage What ca i do?

i can't run away

i know his goal

i am in my room they are in the living room calling me

turnera i am scare

confident of what i know until now

taking my faith

my hope and my knowledge with me as weapon

i will update you later

PRAY FOR ME
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Old 05-16-2010, 10:58 PM   #135 (permalink)
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Default Re: 28 years of marriage What ca i do?

YOU ARE VALUABLE AS A HUMAN BEING ON ON YOUR OWN.

EVEN IF YOU NEVER SEE THEM TOGETHER IN ONE PLACE, YOU ARE STILL VALUABLE.

Your children will know you love them.

They will understand later, why you had to be away from him, from them, for your own sanity.

CALL FOR HELP.

CALL SOMEONE YOU KNOW AND BEG THEM TO COME OVER TO YOUR HOUSE.


CALL THE POLICE IF YOU HAVE TO.

CALL SOMEONE.
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