semperfi

My wife says she's unhappy, mostly because she feels like she's been lying to everyone around her by pretending to be a loving and devoted wife.

In our discussions, she refuses to say what would make her happy. I don't know if this is because she doesn't know, or if she does know and doesn't want to acknowledge it. She feels that either way she's just as badly off: either staying in a marriage that makes her unhappy or divorcing, thus making me, our kids, our extended family (and probably herself) unhappy.

My take: people who choose to be happy usually are. I cannot make my wife happy or unhappy. It's all in how she chooses to react to me, and to our relationship.

What do you think?

billbo

I don't "think" this, I know it. We are all responsible for our own happiness, period.

When they say they aren't happy. They aren't in love anymore. It's usually because they have found someone else. Deep inside they are happy (or more likely THINK THEY WILL be HAPPY) , with someone else. And that's the only reason they are willing to hurt everyone else by breaking up the family. They have had a taste, whether thru a physical affair, or an emotional affair, a taste of that in love feeling they haven't felt in 20 yrs. It doesn't take much. Best of luck my friend.

missv

I don't entirely agree that she may be/have had an affair. There are so many factors that could involve her "unhappiness" that she may really not be aware of the reason. Are your kids young or adult? Does she work outside of the home? Is she approaching midlife? Is she thinking that her life right now has not exactly turned out as she thought it would? Yes, each of us is responsible for our own happiness, she for hers and you for yours. But while you cannot make her happy or unhappy, your actions can...just as her actions are obviously making you unhappy right now. Would she consider counseling? There does seem to be some depression involved. Maybe see an MD for a physical? I'm far from being any kind of expert because my own marriage is having problems too, but just wanted to throw out some ideas from a woman's perspective. Good luck and hang in there.