I had my hopes going because our close friend that had a long talk with her said she was willing to seek counseling and stop contact with the OM.
The next evening, I notice her sitting in the car when she came home texting. Even my kids noticed her.
Today she texted me "Just let me be. Girls (our 3 daughters) will be fine. I'm tired..."
I text her back that I'm asking God for patience and guidance. That I need more than just a week to work things out. That I asked both her and the OM for patience but that they were still in contact with one another.
She replied: "I had to. Was working on looking for a house, and divorce papers."
Do you still think that writing a No Contact letter to the OM is going to work? What if she just flat out tells me no?
A friend and family counselor is out of town but will be back this Saturday. I hope she won't change her mind about visiting him by then.
I hear a lot of "give her space," but was wondering something. What if she's literally ready to sign papers tomorrow? Does that mean my time is up? Will giving her space make things worse?
She told me about everything a week ago. How much time to give her space do I really have? I asked for a couple of months, but am afraid they're going to pull the football away from me at the last second.
I've been reading that this was going to be rough, but nothing can prepare you for this...
It's time to expose the affair, to get her family and his family to pressure them to stop. Calmly and politely call up her family and friends who are important to her and tell them she's stuck in an affair and you are trying to save the marriage, but you can't do that until she stops seeing OM. Ask them to talk to her if they believe she should do this the right way. Call OM's wife, parents, and siblings, and tell them the same thing.
Also, the only true friends that my wife has were my friends first. Remember, she had a terrible relationship with her adoptive "family" after coming from Mexico as a child.
She has no true friends and no family on her side. Ironically, the only person that she loves/trusts that did not originate from my side is the OM's mother! I don't know if they've told her, but considering that it's her son and she considers my wife like her daughter, she'll more than likely support them.
Any other friends she has are recently from work only. She's only been working for almost a year. The only friends (from work) that she's told have advised her to separate and check out the grass on the other side.
The only thing these "friends" have in common with my wife are their jobs and their obsession with the Twilight series.
I've begun alerting my friends that she truly respects and hope that she's willing to listen to them.
I have a couple more that may help. Thanks everyone.
I'm going to an LPC tomorrow evening on my own to make sure my head's in the right place before I move forward. He's one, if not the best, LPC in our area. I'm sure I'll be a lot more on track after our session. I'll update as soon as I can.
If he thinks it's a good idea right now, my wife and I will go in for a session on Friday.
I definitely feel better than I did a couple of weeks ago, but still feel like I have a piano on my chest.
Being the best dad and spouse I can right now. Hoping for the best, preparing for the worst.
Got my own counseling. He asked me some tough questions about facing the realities of both outcomes (her staying or going). Had some time to think about it. A lot. That was Tuesday.
Wednesday, me and the wife did almost no talking.
Today, She's sensing that my change in behavior (doing more housework/being nicer) is me "trying too hard" to be nice. That I'm acting that way because the counselors are telling me to do that. I told her that it's not be being nicer, but me being the person I should have been a long time ago.
That led to her reinstating that it's over and she's leaving. I told her if that's her ultimate decision, fine, but she owes me some more time to get my act together. To get my head straight. To get some counseling. She seems to think that we've talked about it enough. Mind you, we've literally had about 5 conversations about the subject since she told me. Half were texts over the phone. The lives of 5 people are about to be changed forever, but that's enough discussion?!
She doesn't want to talk face-to-face with me. She says texting is easier for her. At least she's communicating, right? I told her I want to talk. She's convinced we've talked enough. I told her that whatever her decision is, I still owe it to myself and our kids to try to fight for this marriage. That I couldn't die knowing I just rolled over and let another man and his family destroy mine.
She told me I don't have to fight because there's nothing to fight for. Our kids will be taken care of and I will see them. I told her to stop talking about the girls being alright because she has NO IDEA how this will affect them. She told me neither do you. Doesn't seem like she's too concerned about their emotional well-being.
She let's me know that I can't force her to stay. I told her I'm not trying to force her to do anything. That I'm just asking for some time and to go to counseling. If it doesn't change anything for her, fine.
She told me "It's over ok. True love was never there. I'm tired and will soon leave."
I told her that if she doesn't want to think of me as her husband, fine, but as the FATHER of her kids, she owes me a little consideration, compassion, patience and openess.
It's not like she's been giving me any of these in a while, but at least I asked.
We're still scheduled for counseling this Friday afternoon. I just hope she doesn't change her mind to show up.
She's so lucky for everything she's been given, but she's too blind to see it. She's been abandoned by everyone that was supposed to love and care for her her whole life. Even after her infidelity I'm not abandoning her. Why can't she see that?
Seems she'll have to walk down that road and learn the hard way.
As of this last conversation I had with her, it seems like I'll have to start the legal chapter in this long and painful road soon. The ugly custody/alimony/child support battles is something I'm not looking forward to. I haven't told her I want custody of the kids because I got some legal advice that she may slap a restraining order on me. Hope is nothing but a candle flame in a hurricane now...
It seems that the couples counseling with a local pastor isn't going to help the marriage, but hopefully it will help me.
I wanted to say I am really sorry You HAVE to call the OM's family. I took control today and called the OW....but it was a little different pretty much he was telling us both 2 different things. I feel really liberated and in control I have felt helpless in this fight for a long time and I feel like I am beginning to have some. Did it make me feel completely better....NO but it did make me feel at ease. I was not going to let my name be dragged through the mud when I have always talked him up to everyone(people are going to be in complete shock when they find out ) I needed to know what was going on and I had to take control because I knew he was just going to lie to me.
finallyseewhy, I'm glad you called the OW. Give it a week or so to see if they stop. But if they don't and you really want something to change, you're going to have to call HIS family and tell them what he's doing. So they can let him know they disapprove.
turnera-his father has cheater on all of his wives to such a extreme the stories would bring a grown man to tears. BUT I still am going to say something I will not be painted as this horrible person. I have protected his imagine for over 11 years to almost an extreme. When I say people will be shocked they really will be Funny thing is he was worried of me telling my Mom....I am almost scared too I feel like a huge disappointment right now.
The NUMBER ONE thing I have learned on these forums over the years is that the ONE person they say they don't want to know...is the ONE person you HAVE to tell. That is the ONE person whose good esteem they crave the most. You have to tell your mom.