blindsidedintx

I'm 38, she's 33. Married for 14 years with three daughters.

I'm not sure if she has physically cheated, but it seems clear she has emotionally...

Here's my story:

My wife has been acting distant lately. To the point of barely even wanting to give me a "welcome home" peck. Every time I ask her what's wrong, she denies anything even though her face and body language are signaling that something's not right...

Tonight as we were watching TV, I kind of lean on her and she pushes me away. I ask her what's wrong and why it seems that she's been distant lately...long pause. I ask again and after another long pause she tells me, "I don't want to be with you anymore." I could tell she meant it. Sledgehammer meet my chest.

After a 3-hour discussion, she confessed that she's in love with someone else. Getting any info out of her was like pulling teeth, but here's the gist of it:

1. Guy is someone she fell in love with since she was in middle school (both in mid 30s now)
2. Couldn't be with him because her "family" wouldn't allow it
3. Claims she has always been in love with him

Between the 2nd and 3rd point, she met me, fell in love, we got married, became a US citizen, we had 3 daughters, we bought a house and she finally finished college and has started her career.

I'm not clear when, but this other guy got some girl pregnant, they got married but later divorced. When this divorce happened, I'm not sure, but she's known of it for at least 3 years.

She's originally from Mexico, but her dad died (no mom) when she was entering the 6th grade. She was shipped off to his relatives here in the states and that "family" was very abusive (psychologically/emotionally) towards her. They resented her for showing up on their doorstep not knowing a lick of English. She quickly learned and even excelled in school. I helped her get out of that abusive family after we were dating a few weeks. At least I knew she was "the one."

Now she's confessed that it's been years that she's been allowing herself to rekindle those feelings she had for this other guy. I asked her if she is willing to throw away everything that we've built over our 14 year marriage for him and she said yes. I asked her if there is even a .0001% chance that things may not go as well as what she is imagining and she replied no. I tried reasoning with her a little more and she said there might be a .00001% chance that things won't go perfectly, but I could tell she was just placating me.

I tried to explain that her thinking was irrational and that she should try to view the situation from a distance. There seemed to be no convincing her that maybe the person that exists in her mind and the guy she's falling for may not be the same thing in reality. That maybe after an early passion-filled period, it would fall into the normal mundane pace that all marriages do. She couldn't see it. It was like talking to a teenager.

To me, it feels as if she has a "fantasy" version of what this guy is/could be since she "fell in love" with him at such a young age and now since he is free, she feels that this is her chance at recapturing the "one that got away." When I asked her why this guy is better than me, she couldn't do it. She's good friends with his mother and she's assured me that she had nothing to do with this decision and that no one else knows about it.

What do I do? Please tell me there's hope. I don't want to say or do anything that will push her away even further.

Show me the hope. Please.

Carefulthoughts

Let her make her mistakes. It sounds ****ty but she has her mind set on it and heart set on it. I know how bad you feel because I have had the same thing happen with me. Don't bed or please even if it kills you. Go on about your daily life. If your going to cry and you will do it away from her. These are the things people have suggested and I wish I had done it sooner. Prayer also helps a lot.

And your quite right all this is irrational even for my situation but people can make themselves believe the sky is green if they want it to be. I will keep you in my prayers.

blindsidedintx

Thanks for the advice and kind words. The hardest thing for me to do is NOT try to fix it. The fact that she had these thoughts brewing in her head after our second child was born is what is driving me insane.

For so long I felt like I was the "female" in the relationship because I was the one that always wanted to talk. I wanted her to express herself. She never did. It was always "nothing's wrong" from her. Digging her head in the sand.

So basically I'm the guy that she settled for because she couldn't get her "true love." The second she found out he was available, I became an obstacle. But then why have a third kid with me if she already started having a change of heart?

I reached out to God last night and drove and cried for about an hour. I haven't eaten since yesterday and I don't know what I'm going to do or say when she gets home from work.

So are you saying that it's too late for marriage counseling?

Amplexor

What careful is referring to is called tough love and in some circumstances it can be helpful. Read Dobson's "Love Must be Tough" and see if it applies to you. Yes your wife is in a fantasy and once she recognizes that things will look different to her. She will see the faults, short comings.. in him.

Yes there is hope, see "When is enough, enough" in the reconciliation forum.

Yes counseling will help but she must be willing to go. If you drag her into it she'll close up like a clam or just attack you during the sessions. Good luck

__________________
Amp

Confidence – Love – Patience – Faith Are the tools to help heal a marriage.

"Some of the greatest lessons life has taught me came from my darkest days in it" -Amp

blindsidedintx

I needed hope, and you've given it to me.

Being a child of a rough divorce, my greatest fear is the impact it will have on my kids. Everything I do from this moment forward is to try to salvage our marriage and pray that my wife is as willing as yours to try to do the same.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

Amplexor

In my experience EA's begin because the wandering spouse is missing or perceives they are missing something in the marriage. Begin to explore what those needs might be.

__________________
Amp

Confidence – Love – Patience – Faith Are the tools to help heal a marriage.

"Some of the greatest lessons life has taught me came from my darkest days in it" -Amp

Carefulthoughts

First and foremost be there for the kids. They shouldn't be tied up in fighting. Kids first then your well being (i.e. eating) and then your marriage

BigBadWolf

First in this situation you are needing to know it is NOT rational but that is not the point, sexual attraction and rational or logical are mutually exclusive.

Take the time to learn the behavior in a man for what a woman is attracted to and what a woman will resent, and work on this behavior for yourself.

Search this forum even, for sexual attraction and not being a "nice guy", for the one thing for the good man to do when his woman is not attracted to him but instead some affair man and especially if this man is some "bad boy" that in her mind is lighting a fire in her, is to stop being the "nice guy" but instead the dominant man.

Search these forums, even the threads or even some of my posts for this same scenario.

There is hope, but it will be taking courage for you to stand for yourself and be more the man for your woman than some affair man.

I wish you well.

blindsidedintx

Lots of great support and advice guys. I really appreciate it.

The thing that really bothers me is that I have no clue if she's one step away from filing papers or if she's barely at the point of letting me know. Like I said, this emotional affair (not sure if physical) has been going on for years.

She barely told me about it yesterday and I may have said some things I shouldn't have in the heat of the moment. She's not home yet. How and when do I try to pickup a dialog? Do I apologize for yesterday and let her know I'm ready to talk when she's ready then just wait? Or do I not engage her at all tonight and wait a couple of days.

Don't want to get in my own way. Feel like I'm on eggshells now.

Amplexor

My general rule is if there is nothing new to discuss then leave it alone. Rehashing the same issues solves nothing. Based on your post however you are just at the discovery stage and you have a right as a husband to know what is going on in that relationship. You have a right to know where she is in your marriage and if she is at the point of filing. Have the discussions with her and and make them as non emotional as you possibly can. Carry yourself with confidence around her and don't worry too much about the eggshells. You are a partner in this and if she is willing to try and save the marriage she needs to see that you are ready and willing to do your part. Remember, you may have made mistakes in the marriage, we all do. But she is the one that stepped outside the bounds of the marriage and needs to be accountable for that. Don't let her turn the tables on you and believe me, she will try. Good luck.

__________________
Amp

Confidence – Love – Patience – Faith Are the tools to help heal a marriage.

"Some of the greatest lessons life has taught me came from my darkest days in it" -Amp

blindsidedintx

OH MY GOD! I think I just found out she's PREGNANT from this other guy!!!

Oh God what am I going to do now?! We have three kids!

This is how it happened:

She just left the house to run an errand... I texted her if she wanted to have lunch. She replied "Love, we need to start saving money. We have 4 kids and we are starting our lives together."

I replied 4? And she replied "Haha!"

First of all, she NEVER has called me "Love." Second, WE HAVE 3 KIDS and I had a vasectomy after the 3rd!

I think this is clear proof.

When I finally "got it" I replied to her that I finally understood what happened. That she was in the middle of a text conversation with him and when I asked her about lunch, she thought it was from him.

I asked her to come back because we need to talk.

What now! I feel the anger raging inside of me and I don't want to make a mistake that will hurt my kids forever. Please help!

swedish

I would not jump to conclusions. You said he got his ex-wife pregnant, so child 4 might be his from his previous marriage. On the downside, it does sound as though they are making future plans together.

At any rate, you are right, she does need to come back and talk. You deserve to know what her plans are going forward...she is still married to you!!

__________________
~Swedish

No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it.
Albert Einstein

blindsidedintx

That's true...might be previous child...

Forgot. Thanks.

Still...

Waiting for her to come back to talk.

blindsidedintx

Found phone number and just talked with OM. I asked him to step away for a month to help my wife and I figure things out...especially how to deal with our kids.

He seems like a cool guy and has experience with custody battles, so I asked him if he didn't want to respect me as a man or a husband, to at least respect me as a father to give me the time.

I think I'm finally accepting that it's over for her and I. I still don't know if she's pregnant, but what does it matter at this point right?

Should I just give up at this point? After talking with him, it seems that they are set on this happening and there's nothing I can do to stop it...

swedish

If by give up you mean telling your wife 'I talked to him, he sounds like a nice guy so good luck' then NO! She is still married to you and although in the end you cannot force her to stay, you certainly do not have to approve of the situation.

At this point, decide what you will do if she leaves. I would not leave your home, let her leave if she decides not to work on the marriage. Let her feel the impact of this choice & stay firm on doing what is best for you and your children.

__________________
~Swedish

No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it.
Albert Einstein