Amplexor

Yes the EA will have to end at some point but you are in the best position to determine when that might be. It took some time before my wife really understood what it was. (I'm sure I was in denial about it myself.) Once that happened she better understood that it was a threat to the marriage. Though she tried to end it, he wouldn't let it go and in the end an ultimatum was delivered that I was ready, willing and able to leave the marriage over this issue. Once contact broke and after a little grieving the marriage began to improve at a much faster rate. While things may be going well for the two of you now, he will have to be out of the picture to fully recover. I understand your wish to not "rock the boat" on this issue but at some time you will need to address it or you'll find the progress losing traction. I think it's prudent for you to want to take some time to find your bearings and get your arms around the whole situation but you can't keep your head buried in the sand on the EA forever. Glad to here things are looking a little better for you this week. Continued success to you both.

__________________
Amp

Confidence – Love – Patience – Faith Are the tools to help heal a marriage.

"Some of the greatest lessons life has taught me came from my darkest days in it" -Amp

turnera

And don't forget two things:

EAs VERY often progress into PAs so the longer you wait to address it, the more likely they will end up sleeping together.

Even though people in EAs may PLAN to stop contact, they often go through 2 or 5 or 10 'reconnections' because the high they get off of each other is too strong to resist - thus the need to keep monitoring her access to him, no matter what she SAYS she wants.

13yrs3kids

up to yesterday I was. and potentially can if i want which I'm not sure what i will do..because it is a huge risk if she knows that I'm doing it and I feel all will be lost and don't think its worth it right now. Of course I'm very curious...

turnera

13, you have GOT to stop acting out of fear. It is the WORST enemy to your marriage.

D8zed

Wow....13yrs, you may want to stop by nomoremrniceguy.com/forums for a visit. You will get lots of feedback on your and your wife's actions.

__________________
D8zed and Confused

13yrs3kids

Well Things have been continuing to go for the most part and she seem interested in giving the marriage another chance but I know she has been still in contact with TOM. Anyway last night I let her have it I told her regardless how innocent her friendship i couldn't stop thinking about it and it was making me crazy.

I told I want her to stop contact all together. And I want some for of proof so I asked that we contact him together. I told her if he was such a nice guy and good friend then he would understand. I also let her know that if she did not want to cut off contact that I would not stay around. She said she couldn't call him last night because things were a bit crazy. Also she agreed but didn't show any emotion not anger just saying fine if that's what you want then fine. I guess that is to be expected.

I'm very anxious right now and expecting that she will be contacting him solo at some point during the day to give him some kind of a heads up but ultimately if she does contact with me and they agree to cut off contact and I find out otherwise I am gone. I feel i did the right thing because I could not function knowing they are still in contact.

I hope this will pass and we can continue to make some kind of progress.

turnera

So did you call him?

13yrs3kids

Not yet.. there was too much stuff going on with the kids and such and tonight will not be any better...

13yrs3kids

Do I let her do all or most the talking? or just play by ear?

turnera

If your wife was hooked on cocaine, and you called the dealer together, would you let your wife tell him to leave her alone?

13yrs3kids

Point taken

turnera

While you're waing to do this, why not go to No More Mr. Nice Guy and read up on how you SHOULD be handling your marriage. Women hate weak men. They admire strong men. Learn to be strong, or you'll lose your marriage.

fwiw, I don't recommend calling the guy at all. What Marriage Builders recommends is that she write a LETTER, that YOU read and mail FOR her, in which she says "Please never contact me again. My marriage and my family are too important for me to ever jeopardize it again by contact with you."

It's a psychological hurdle, more so than a phone call, which you cannot control.

If she's not willing to do the letter, she is still seeing him and lying to you.

13yrs3kids

My sister suggested I have her email him and cc me. And have her do this in front of me? So the options are call together, send email or write an actual letter on paper... any comments?

turnera

Your wife should NOT be doing it on her own. If she's still connected to him, she will make it a love letter, like Wuthering Heights or something.

If you are with her when she writes it, that may be ok, as you can have her adjust it to remove any love talk before she hits send. I don't prefer it, though, because electronic messages can be altered; you never know how things are going to be used in the future.

The OM doesn't have to know you know. All he has to know is she is calling it off.

13yrs3kids

It seems like she already mentioned something to him yesterday so.. Not sure if that makes a difference. Also if she wants to hide stuff from me she can do it using stuff from work she recently started an new job (he helped her get, helped with resume and what not) Any way my monitoring of her and him is very limited at this point. So once she tells him if front of me to stop contacting what do i do if I see otherwise? without blowing my last way of spying??