Then it is your JOB to (1) call her out on lying to you and demand that she stop contacting him and, if she refuses, (2) expose the affair and ask everyone to help you stop their affair.
You HAVE no marriage, 13. Not without you taking this stand. It does no good for you to be 'nicer' to her - not when she is addicted to an affair. She can't stop herself; she's addicted. Only YOU can stop it at this point, by exposing the affair and making it not so much fun any more. You've already lost her anyway. This is the only chance you have of saving your marriage.
how do i call her out without exposing my sources? Right now she is just in this for the kids. She also said last night that she was very angry that she had to stop talking with him and that she knows that it would never go anywhere and that she had some feelings for but couldn't act on them because of the kids came first and she has said she would never bring another man home until the kids were out of the house. At one point she said she wanted to end it on her own terms not me making her not sure if that is just BS
Look. YOU have the control here. It doesn't seem like it, but you do.
YOU have the right to say to her "You either stop all communication with him or I'm divorcing you and fighting for full custody because of your infidelity. And I WILL bring OM in as a material witness, for the whole town to see. Unless you agree to stop ALL CONTACT with him and provide me ACCESS to your phone, your computer, and any other method of contact you use. I have PROOF that you are continuing to contact him and I WILL use it unless you agree to stop seeing him."
Print out the evidence you have, and store it safe somewhere outside the home where she can't destroy it. You don't need MORE evidence. The only reason you don't want to out your source is so you can keep checking to see if she's cheating. You know she IS.
Therefore, your next step is to say 'You give me access so I can verify no contact, or you move out.'
Look man..if she is an independant woman who can handle herself financially then you're at the 'mercy' of what she decides...we all want to believe there's hope but honestly she left you long ago...this EA is ingrained in her heart 'right now'..you'll have to take the chance of letting her go and see if she comes back..chances are you won't want her back because of how she told you she feels about you and why would you?..you both let your love and marriage slip away..sorry for being so blunt but it's the truth...you need to remake yourself for the kids and concentrate on being the best dad you can be and YOUR OWN BEST FRIEND..it sucks to face reality but it is what it is..she isn't going to all of a sudden stop being 'good friends' with the OM and start 'loving' you again...sorry but it's over for now and maybe forever..tell yourself I'm going to begin a new life without my wife and be better than before.
I understand where you are coming from 2 daughters.. Its so confusing when I get some people telling me one thing and others telling me another. I am beyond confused
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Re: Another marrige falling apart
While I generally see exposure a trump card that can blow up in your face, if she is actively lying to you about the contact it is likely time to play it. Giving up your sources really doesn't have any value if you're not ready to confront her on it. Just be sure your proof is irrefutable. What 2daughters is referencing comes directly from the pages of Dobson's Love Must be Tough. It wold be a good idea to read it over the weekend and get ready to step up the ante. Good luck.
Well I think I have reached my limits. Yesterday she met him for lunch and I also intercepted a msg between her and her sibling where they asked how her therapy was going. She said it was going well but her feelings for me haven't changed and she didn't feel they would. I also managed to capture about 30 mins of the lunch and from the sounds of it she is really into him so I don't see the point of sticking around.
She will be traveling for the last week of the month and I plan on waiting for her to come back and I might take a trip after myself. Its strange how nice things seem to be going between us. But in the end I know I can't live like this I need to have some respect for myself. The hardest part of this is of course the kids. They are so young I feel like leaving will destroy their innocents. I hope that this will break her bubble but I'm not counting on it I imagine I'm just making things easier for her in the long run.
Any words of wisdom? or what do I say it will also take me time to find a place and figure out how to balance my time visiting my kids.
Location: Temporary Resident of Earth Lord Only Knows Where Next
Posts: 5,641
Re: Another marrige falling apart
Quote:
Originally Posted by 13yrs3kids
She said it was going well but her feelings for me haven't changed and she didn't feel they would. I .
And she wont if he's still in the picture. If you can't live with this kind of arrangement (and who would) then it's time to play the trump card. Fully expose the affair, expose the lies and tell her you are moving on because of it. Do it with self respect and confidence. There is a chance it will snap her out of the fog. If is doesn't, discuss how to tell the kids after the dust has settled a bit. Good luck.
Of course her feelings haven't changed. You haven't done anything to stop her affair.
Come on. You already admit your marriage may be over. At least if you go to her family and friends and tell them the truth you have a fighting chance to end the affair so she WILL change her feelings for her.
You're just going to walk away without even trying to expose the affair and stop it?
I'm going to let her know that I know she is still talking to him and that she has no way to prove to me otherwise. my family knows about it, but they say it would be childish to go telling everyone whats going on. I look at it like I can't control her its been brought up to her parents before and she has lied to them as well I mean I can show them what info I have but there is also a bit of a language barrier. It just seems destructive. In my mind things will fall apart with their relationship and it might be better like that then getting involve. I know you guys mean but my mine is not in the best state at this point. continue to give me advise and help me find my balls to do what I must I'm currently trying to read love must be tough. at the end the way things are going by exposing things it couldn't get any worse.
Also I want to run things my my therapist which my appt is next week. I truly am thankful for all your support. 2daughters post kinda opened my eyes to reality
The thing is, she is cheating because it FEELS GOOD (mentally). She's getting something from it. While she is, you don't matter.
She will NEVER care about you again, until OM is out of the picture.
So you have two choices: divorce her or fight the affair.
Go to marriagebuilders.com and read up about exposure and why it works. The founder there has spent 3 decades working with cheaters, and exposure is what he has discovered is the #1 way to get your marriage back. Don't just listen to me. Listen to him.
He says it because it works.
Exposure takes what's exciting, thrilling, uplifting into ****ty, disgusting, and embarrassing. You have to pick the people whose respect she craves. Tell THEM. Let HER know THEY know. Let her realize that everyone isn't just going to go along with this sea change and accept this bum into their lives.
Exposure takes their fun time and makes it slimy. NOT fun. Tortuous. And she'll start to wonder if it's worth it. She'll start to worry about her reputation. He'll start to look not so great.
And if you want to save your marriage, you will spend the money to get HIS contact information and tell HIS family.
I'm not trying to be mean; but you admit yourself you are too terrified to anger her. That's the way she likes it - that way she can do whatever the hell she wants.
But what are you achieving by being terrified? PAIN.
Well from what I understand he is divorced, and bringing it to light in his office has the potential to have him fired. What I plan to do is tell her that I know she has been lying and is still in contact with him and meeting him. And I am leaving her untill she stops contact with him altogether. I will also let her parents know why I am leaving and that she has been lying to them as well. I just feel she won't put up any resistance to me leave and might actually make things easier on her as this is basically what she wants. I will also make it known that most of my family knows what she has been doing and they are very disappointed in her. What do you think of this plan?
Waiting to do this is turning out to be very difficult, she is away for the rest of the month and then I go away for a few days. So I'm waiting for when I get back. The hardest part for me will be leaving my kids and not seeing them before they go to sleep and when they wake up. Also knowing how much hurt they will be going through. I feel like I'm combining to important steps.
1. Telling her I'm leaving because she will not stop contact
2. Exposing the EA or what ever it is.
So should they be combined?
Re: Another marrige falling apart 
