I read through your thread, and it seems you are doing pretty well. It helps to take things in specific, ordered steps, just to make sure you cover everything before moving on to the next one -each one builds on the previous. Turnera gave a good guide in an earlier post.
Essentially, once you are positive an affair is going on, you let your spouse know, and request that it stop. Let them know you are there, and want to work on your marriage.
If they refuse, its helpful to go to someone that they regard as wise counsel - a parent, pastor, etc. Let that person talk to them. If they still refuse (which seems to be happening here) the next step is to expose the affair to everyone who both is likely to suffer from the lies, and is pro-marriage - that is, who will be willing to give both of you counsel if you ask, and is at least in a position to sway some decisions your spouse makes.
Exposure, as pointed out above, is not vengeance, nor punishment. It is simply shedding some light on a hidden action that is affecting your marriage. Just as you might go to friends and family for help with getting a spouse who is addicted to drugs off the stuff, so you go to friends and family to help save a marriage.
You are not in control of the people to whom you do expose this - they can choose to be active or not - and the level of participation they may want to offer. The primary reason is not to elicit help (that's a nice side benefit) - it is to make it a lot harder for the affair to continue.
Affairs flourish best in the 'dark' - that is, when they are hidden and illicit. Part of the thrill is the excitement of hiding the thing.
On top of this, people who are in an affair tend to twist reality to justify their actions. They want to make the affair (which is wrong) seem like it is instead a good thing. So, they make all kinds of statements like 'I've been unhappy for 8 years.'
This is most likely a HUGE exaggeration. But there is also this to keep in mind: underneath the exaggeration is a kernel of truth -something that gives them the impetus to say such a thing in the first place. It would be REALLY hard for her to tell people with a straight face 'he's had a different woman in our bed every night for the past 48 years' - there MUST be a portion of truth mixed with the fantasy - that's what makes it believable.
So my advice is to listen to her for the time being, and keep all the things she says in a notebook - so that you can work on them LATER.
LATER because RIGHT NOW,
no work can be done on your marriage - until the affair ends. And this means she must end all contact - and prove to you that this is so. AND she must work through a period of withdrawal -during which you must be caring, understanding and pretty much non-judgmental, not matter what she says. It will pass. Keep in mind it's an addict overcoming an addiction.
Once that is over, you'll be able to work on the marriage.
So first step - end the affair.
1) Gather evidence
2) Confront and ask that it end (no contact, etc.)
3) Disclose (to one person who is wise counsel)
4) Expose to pro-marriage people who might be affected - or to whom she might listen
5) ALWAYS be working Plan A
6) Plan B
7) Legal Separation.
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Re: Another marrige falling apart 
