Confront your wife and ask her to stop seeing him. Do NOT get into an argument about whether she is cheating; you KNOW she is. You are merely telling her you cannot abide by it and she needs to stop.
If she refuses to stop, THEN you call her important people and HIS important people. You tell them that they are committing adultery (use the 'bad' word), and you are asking everyone for help to stop the affair so that you two can sort out your marriage without an outside influence. I forget if they work together; if so, you call THEIR BOSSES as WELL as HR and tell them that these employees are carrying on a workplace affair and they will want to look into it before they end up involved in a lawsuit. (the best scenario here is that bosses separate them, or fire HIM)
Meantime, do Plan A: be the best possible husband and father you can be, so that she has no reason to NOT like you; so she'll look at you and see what she's about to throw away.
Continue putting pressure on her to stop the affair. Do NOT allow her to contact him while in YOUR house or in front of YOUR kids. If she has to drive to Walmart to contact him, that's her problem - but she WON'T do it under YOUR roof. Got it? This is going on after you have exposed. Hopefully, she'll get some calls from people, but don't depend on it. YOU continue to make the affair hard to keep up.
If she still refuses to leave him, go to your lawyer and file separation papers in which SHE LEAVES - not YOU! You tell her that you will file for separation if she does not stop seeing him, and you WILL sue on grounds of adultery (if that's legal in your state), and you WILL subpoena him as a material witness.
YOU did not choose to destroy the marriage, YOU do not leave your kids! If SHE wants to commit adultery, she can do it from somewhere else. Got it?
She NEEDS you to be strong here and fight for her. Not wimpy. Not nice. MAD. OFFENDED. AGHAST that she would do this to your family.
Your fear of angering her is your ONE WORST ENEMY.
Here are a few issues I did confront her and ask her to stop and I know she hasn't at this point. They used to work together and no longer do. We live under her families house so I can't kick her out I will have to leave. Do I really need to file for a separation? I'm ready to leave at this point.
I didn't have enough information at the time things seems to have been progressing, But I did mention it to her parents and her brother (however he says she should do what ever she wants, she is a grown woman) real nice guy huh? Anyway when her parents brought it up she said that he was just a friend and they only met once yada yada and she got pissed at them and me for telling them. I don't have the OM info and don't really think it matters.
Another point I'd like to bring up is that she said she has been wanting to leave me for the last 8 years or so. So she has time to sit on this for a long time. I don't see much hope to be honest with you guys I mean I want nothing more then for my marriage to be saved. But if in her mind she is done, she is done.
I would go back to her parents and tell them that she is still cheating. I would tell her brother that you'd like to imagine how he'd feel if HIS wife was cheating on him. I would find all her best friends and tell them that she is cheating on you and you need their help to just get the OM out of the picture for now, to see if you can save the marriage; that's all. I would hire a PI to find out who the guy is, and get the PI to get you his personal info for his wife/exwife, parents, and siblings; and then call them.
Will she be mad? Of course. That's good. It means that she CARES what other people think of her, and that she KNOWS she's doing wroing. THAT is how you stop an affair. Not moving out.
fwiw, have you done any research, like the book Surviving an Affair? It will teach you that the wayward always rewrites history - tells herself that she was miserable for 8 years or whatever - that way, she HAD to find true love somewhere else, right? It's her brain covering up her guilt. Every wayward does it. Unless she told you 8 years ago she wanted to leave and you ignored her; and if so, you should just divorce.
My point is, how do you KNOW that she was unhappy for 8 years? Because she tells you NOW? That's why I wanted you to read that book - it describes how, the instant you fall into an affair, you 'rewrite history' so your subconscious can deal with your own treachery. "I HAD to find love elsewhere. Our marriage was a SHAM. I HATED my life, I just never wanted to hurt him with the truth." When, six months before the affair, it never occurred to her that she was even unhappy. Suddenly, once a guy shows interest, by god that's right! I DESERVE to be happy!
In other words, ignore what she says; she is living in a fog-filled world that helps her justify the affair; everything she says about you and how bad you are is just BS to let her keep seeing OM.
You sit her down and say I know you're cheating, and I'm asking you to stop.
If she refuses or denies, then go to everyone and tell them.
I feel I gave her enough chance and need to take the next step at this point. which is telling everyone and leaving as I can't kick her out of her family's house. You said before do this if I want to end the marriage (I want my best chance to fix things) As the book (love must be tough) this is opening the Cage door.
I read through your thread, and it seems you are doing pretty well. It helps to take things in specific, ordered steps, just to make sure you cover everything before moving on to the next one -each one builds on the previous. Turnera gave a good guide in an earlier post.
Essentially, once you are positive an affair is going on, you let your spouse know, and request that it stop. Let them know you are there, and want to work on your marriage.
If they refuse, its helpful to go to someone that they regard as wise counsel - a parent, pastor, etc. Let that person talk to them. If they still refuse (which seems to be happening here) the next step is to expose the affair to everyone who both is likely to suffer from the lies, and is pro-marriage - that is, who will be willing to give both of you counsel if you ask, and is at least in a position to sway some decisions your spouse makes.
Exposure, as pointed out above, is not vengeance, nor punishment. It is simply shedding some light on a hidden action that is affecting your marriage. Just as you might go to friends and family for help with getting a spouse who is addicted to drugs off the stuff, so you go to friends and family to help save a marriage.
You are not in control of the people to whom you do expose this - they can choose to be active or not - and the level of participation they may want to offer. The primary reason is not to elicit help (that's a nice side benefit) - it is to make it a lot harder for the affair to continue.
Affairs flourish best in the 'dark' - that is, when they are hidden and illicit. Part of the thrill is the excitement of hiding the thing.
On top of this, people who are in an affair tend to twist reality to justify their actions. They want to make the affair (which is wrong) seem like it is instead a good thing. So, they make all kinds of statements like 'I've been unhappy for 8 years.'
This is most likely a HUGE exaggeration. But there is also this to keep in mind: underneath the exaggeration is a kernel of truth -something that gives them the impetus to say such a thing in the first place. It would be REALLY hard for her to tell people with a straight face 'he's had a different woman in our bed every night for the past 48 years' - there MUST be a portion of truth mixed with the fantasy - that's what makes it believable.
So my advice is to listen to her for the time being, and keep all the things she says in a notebook - so that you can work on them LATER.
LATER because RIGHT NOW, no work can be done on your marriage - until the affair ends. And this means she must end all contact - and prove to you that this is so. AND she must work through a period of withdrawal -during which you must be caring, understanding and pretty much non-judgmental, not matter what she says. It will pass. Keep in mind it's an addict overcoming an addiction.
Once that is over, you'll be able to work on the marriage.
So first step - end the affair.
1) Gather evidence
2) Confront and ask that it end (no contact, etc.)
3) Disclose (to one person who is wise counsel)
4) Expose to pro-marriage people who might be affected - or to whom she might listen
5) ALWAYS be working Plan A
6) Plan B
7) Legal Separation.
So I have already asked her to stop in the past which she didn't "refuse", however she just continued to lie about it saying she did stop. So now I need to expose and wait? how long do I wait because its becoming unbearable at this point and as soon as I expose it I know she will hide all contact that she thinks I might have access to. And how is she to prove to me all contact has ended? I was expecting to expose and say its unacceptable and Say that while it continues I need to move out and if she wants to continue that contact she needs to make a choice, she can't have us both.
I would not move out unless it's just driving you crazy. Only you know that point. I would expose, today, to EVERYONE. If she's going to run you off, she doesn't need to be telling everyone that OM is her "new" boyfriend, when he's not. And she WILL do that. So tell everyone today. When she asks you why you did it, you tell her 'because you refused to stop committing adultery and I'm trying to save my marriage. The only way it can be saved is if you aren't seeing two men.'