No she has been hiding it from everyone as far as I know. He is divorced... The kicker is that he works for a company that sells bibles... I am thinking of call him after I tell her I know she hasn't stopped and from her phone in front of her telling him that he must stop contact or there will be consequences (ie bringing it up at his job) But I don't know if that is too forceful. I mean it really has to be her decision to stop contact no? I am thinking to do this right before my trip. and if she is not willing to stop then I will move out and tell her to make a choice. I mean what do I have to lose at this point she is not working at all on the marriage. I'm just nervous about the moving out part as most people say once that happens the chance of resolution are slim to none
1) There really is no point in contacting the OM and telling him to stop or there will be consequences. That is a threat, and legally they can go to the police and tell them you are making threats, so that doesn't accomplish your goal. You goal is to end the affair, right? If you were to contact the OM you could tell him, "Hello this is (wife)'s husband and I wanted you to know that I know you two have been having an affair. I love my wife, we have been married for many years and have decades of happy memories together, and I wanted you to know I do intend to stand up for my marriage and my wife." THE END!! But in the end, you're right about one thing. If she's going to stop, YOUR WIFE has to be the one who wants to stop, and your threatening etc. will not be helpful.
2) DO NOT MOVE OUT!!!!! No way Jose! You stay put in your home with your kids, safely in their rooms in their beds in their neighborhood. If your wife can't stand to carry on her affair at home, then SHE moves out, not you. In your home, NO AFFAIR ACTIVITIES take place. Period. She is free to continue--you can't stop her afterall--but if she wants to continue it is not in your home, and she is free to move all she wants...on her dime. I realize you say you live "under her family's house" and I don't know if that means you are living with your in-laws or it's just a house they own. Either way, you tell HER PARENTS that she is committing adultery, and that as the father of their grandchildren you will not accept unfaithfulness in the same house with your children.
If and only if her parents/the owners of the house will not support you, then you and the kids all move. Leave her there cold. The idea is that you have your "family home" and that in the family home no infidelity is allowed. In this instance, you are the father and husband, and where you and the kids are is the family--make sense? Ideally, the house owners/parents would support you when you tell them that she's committing adultery and that you are working to end the affair ... but until it's over you won't tolerate adultery in the house. If not--if they won't stand up to her blatant unfaithfulness--then you may have to move you and the kids.
Unfortunately, you are the family. Your wife, as long as she is having an affair, has left it, leaving you and the kids as the core unit.
Start right now looking for more cash. Get another job, start a separate savings account. You'll need the stability for your kids. Just because your wife left the family does not mean you must too. Things can be very tough for a while, but you can manage.
She lives for the kids and I don't want her to dump this guy just because I'm going to take the kids from her its the same as forcing her I mean I can say I'm leaving and planing on taking the kids once I settle not sure if that works? Also I don't want this just to turn into a custody battle I want my family back. Is there any hope at this point? I'm having a very difficult time seeing any.
I'm going to be a little tiny bit harsh with you so get ready. Are you ready?
You ask if there's any hope at this point, and I would say maybe not, but probably not for the reasons you think. You see, we keep telling you things you could do that actually WOULD be steps to take to save your marriage, but rather than do them, you give us all the reasons why you can't.
Well...how's that working for ya?
Did you end the affair yet? Save your family? Repair your marriage? Rekindle the love? No?? So maybe, just maybe, your way doesn't work. If you continue to insist on doing it your way, you stand a very strong chance of losing your wife and kids.
On the other hand I know for a fact that our way can work. Does it every time? No. Some disloyals spouse's are DETERMINED to do what they know is wrong and you can't stop them. But by the same token I've seen our way work. I know of people ON THIS FORUM who have ended the affair and saved their marriage!
So it's up to you. Do you REALLY want to save our marriage or give up? Because if you are serious, you may have to go against your instinct and allow someone else to help you. If you'll listen and do it, you may have hope--if not then I'd say there's not much hope.
I plan to tell her parents and I will stay but how do I get her to stop the affair even if the parents are on board with me, I don't think they will kick her out. But she may just continue to hide things even more. So that leaves me to move out with the kids?
Ok on a side note...My brother-in-law mentioned a funny way of exposing the affair at the OM office.. get this send a singing telegram so the whole office knows.. I know its crazy and I don't think that is the best idea but it did make me laugh
ok on a side note...my brother-in-law mentioned a funny way of exposing the affair at the om office.. Get this send a singing telegram so the whole office knows.. I know its crazy and i don't think that is the best idea but it did make me laugh
Do you remember this post? My comments are in red.
Originally Posted by Tanelornpete
I read through your thread, and it seems you are doing pretty well. It helps to take things in specific, ordered steps, just to make sure you cover everything before moving on to the next one -each one builds on the previous. ...
Essentially, once you are positive an affair is going on, you let your spouse know, and request that it stop. Let them know you are there, and want to work on your marriage. I believe you are positive there is an affair and you have directly told your spouse you KNOW and asked her to stop...right? If not, that is the very first thing you do...today. You ask her to end all contact with the OM; Never, Ever contact him again; and give you access to all her online accounts: email, facebook, chats, EVERYTHING so you can verify she is not in contact. If you have not done this, start here!
If they refuse, its helpful to go to someone that they regard as wise counsel - a parent, pastor, etc. Let that person talk to them. From what I can determine it doesn't sound like you've done this step yet. The idea with this step is to give her a chance to "do the right thing" with the minimum of people knowing, and for one person she admires/looks up to/thinks of highly to look her in the eyes and say "(Wife) I know about the adultery and I raised you better than this--what are you doing? Being Unfaithful is wrong. Stop the affair and do the right thing." It really motivate a disloyal to end their affair when someone they look up to KNOWS about this thing they've been trying to keep secret and thinks less of them because of it. If you HAVE directly asked her to stop and you have not done this step...start here! It sounds to me like her parents may be a very good choice because she would stand to lose not only her parent's "support" but they have control of the housing situation! Very effective bargaining tools! And they do not necessarily need to "kick her out" but they can put their foot down and say "We gave you this house to live in with your husband and children, not to drag some lover into! You will not carry on activities like that in our house!"
If they still refuse (which seems to be happening here) the next step is to expose the affair to everyone who both is likely to suffer from the lies, and is pro-marriage - that is, who will be willing to give both of you counsel if you ask, and is at least in a position to sway some decisions your spouse makes. If you have already spoken to her directly and disclosed to one or two people she trusts and thinks of as wise counsel--then you would expose. I'm not positive you are at this step yet because I have not heard of disclosing to someone she thinks of highly...but if you have, you would start here.
Exposure, as pointed out above, is not vengeance, nor punishment. It is simply shedding some light on a hidden action that is affecting your marriage. Just as you might go to friends and family for help with getting a spouse who is addicted to drugs off the stuff, so you go to friends and family to help save a marriage.
You are not in control of the people to whom you do expose this - they can choose to be active or not - and the level of participation they may want to offer. The primary reason is not to elicit help (that's a nice side benefit) - it is to make it a lot harder for the affair to continue. Some examples of people to expose to (you don't expose to ALL these people, but to folks who will be pro-marriage and/or who will be there to offer you encouragement): Your parents; Her parents; Your pastor, priest, rabbii or religious leader; Your siblings: Her siblings; close aunts, uncles or cousins: Your friends from work; Her friends from work: Your employer (to explain why you might be off on productivity a little); Her employer; Your lifelong best friends; Her pro-marriage lifelong best friends; Friends at church or shul, etc.; the Other Man's Wife.
Affairs flourish best in the 'dark' - that is, when they are hidden and illicit. Part of the thrill is the excitement of hiding the thing.
On top of this, people who are in an affair tend to twist reality to justify their actions. They want to make the affair (which is wrong) seem like it is instead a good thing. So, they make all kinds of statements like 'I've been unhappy for 8 years.'
This is most likely a HUGE exaggeration. But there is also this to keep in mind: underneath the exaggeration is a kernel of truth -something that gives them the impetus to say such a thing in the first place. It would be REALLY hard for her to tell people with a straight face 'he's had a different woman in our bed every night for the past 48 years' - there MUST be a portion of truth mixed with the fantasy - that's what makes it believable.
So my advice is to listen to her for the time being, and keep all the things she says in a notebook - so that you can work on them LATER.Are you doing this? If not, buy a notebook TODAY. You can do this but it takes some work on your part!
LATER because RIGHT NOW, no work can be done on your marriage - until the affair ends. And this means she must end all contact - and prove to you that this is so. AND she must work through a period of withdrawal -during which you must be caring, understanding and pretty much non-judgmental, not matter what she says. It will pass. Keep in mind it's an addict overcoming an addiction.
Once that is over, you'll be able to work on the marriage.
So first step - end the affair (by taking these steps IN ORDER):
1) Gather evidence--I think you've done this step.
2) Confront and ask that it end (no contact, etc.)--Have you done this step? If not, start here. Ask her to do the right thing and stop.
3) Disclose (to one person who is wise counsel)--If you did ask her, time to tell her parents. Ask them to work with you to end the affair.
4) Expose to pro-marriage people who might be affected - or to whom she might listen
5) ALWAYS be working Plan A
6) Plan B
7) Legal Separation.
What exactly is plan A and Plan B, and if possible can you get me links to any examples of things I should say or do.
BTW I believe I'm up to step 3.
I had brought it up to her parents at one point but I didn't have enough evidence at the time they asked her about but told them it was just a friend and made a big deal and had me tell them that they need to let us deal with our problems alone.This was a big mistake on my part but I was acting out of fear because at the time things started to look like there was some progress. Although she still was in contact with the OM. Anyway I'm ready to ask her parents for help and the first time when I spoke to her dad he told me that if she tried to bring another man home he would kick her out. I am in the process of writing a letter to her parents and having it translated in their native language so there is no chance of misunderstanding. Thank you for all the help You guys are the best!! and thanks for the Pic it really did make me laugh!
Plan A and B are at marriagebuilders.com. You can find a lot about them there. Plan A is being the man she should be wanting (if she wasn't cheating) - the man she fell in love with. Don't do anything that upsets her - EXCEPT for stopping the affair - THAT, you do!; doing whatever you can to meet her main needs (affection, support, honesty, conversation, etc.); staying calm, secure, and confident; do NOT act out of fear; don't revolve your whole life around her, have your own life so you aren't so clingy; look and smell good.
Plan B is what you do when you've taken all you can take, and you start falling out of love with her, or hating her, because of the cheating. At that point, you write her a love letter explaining why you can never see her again except for extreme necessities, unless she is willing to give up OM. You handle kids through intermediaries like her parents; you give her a person to contact you through, who will filter out any junk she spews, and only convey necessary facts about the kids. Basically, you are cutting her out of your life. It's very powerful, so only do it when you're absolutely ready to never see her again.
And tell her parents just what you told us, about why you backed down and everything.
I spoke with her mother last night and it seems she is on board. I'm not quite sure how this step is supposed to go. Should/can I be present?
They are not to lash out on her correct? They should just let her know that they are aware of what is going on and they disapprove of it and it must stop. Is that it? What if she wants proof that we know?
I want to keep that information as limited as possible so I don't lose my source even though I believe if she does chose to continue she will hide things more then ever as she is already suspicious of me as is.
It is NEVER your job to provide your wife PROOF of her adultery. YOU know she's cheating. SHE knows she's cheating. Her mother knows she's cheating.
That point is now moot.
You're beyond that. You do not CARE if she wants proof. You've moved beyond that and NOW want her to stop.
You will NOT waste time belaboring the 'fact' that she is cheating. Your time is more valuable than that.
You are all NOW discussing what she's going to do next. And at this point, it doesn't matter if she hides better. What matters is if she stops. You're watching. Her mom is watching. And if she is not willing to give you access to her phone and computer, and let you verify where she is at all times, etc., then you move on to the next step - full exposure. Not today, give it a week or so, to see what happens between her and her mother.
My question, 13, is why do you want to stay with her? I see a guy who is fearful of angering people and maybe afraid of being on his own--with or without the kids. Why? If you are financially dependent on her or her parents, then you need to start remedying that.
If you have been fearful of conflict throughout your marriage, then that may be why your wife was susceptible to another man. This does not mean she had any right to act, or was right to avoid confrontation with you when she felt things were slipping (in terms of her commitment to the marriage). She has made her own egregious errors. But take time to look at yourself and find a way to stand up for yourself.
I disagree strongly with Tunera on how people end up in affairs. Many people are in denial about how unsatisfying their marriages are, and that makes them susceptible to another person. Your wife may have tried to fix things in her own way, long ago, and then gave up, accepting the status quo as "well, I guess this is what marriage is like." Then she felt a connection with someone in a way she had not experienced in years--b/c she wasn't feeling it with you--and the light bulb goes on, and she realizes how much she has given up/missed. At that point, she needs to confront you and work on the marriage. She didn't. BUT I doubt she was a perfectly happy person who somehow ended up in an affair .
My question, 13, is why do you want to stay with her? I see a guy who is fearful of angering people and maybe afraid of being on his own--with or without the kids. Why? If you are financially dependent on her or her parents, then you need to start remedying that..
Well I came to this site in hopes of saving my marriage. I love my wife and I want what is best for my kids and that is a working healthy marriage. I was completly blindsided by her. Sure I know my marriage was not perfect but she never showed any signs that things were so bad. I believe this guy came in at the right time and pushed the right buttons to push her over the edge.
I have to admit that it is extreamly difficult to sit back while she is doing what she is doing. The part that kills me is know what they talk about and such. I owe it to myself and my kids to at least do all I can. and if it doesn't work out after that I can say well I did everything could and have no regrets.
I just hope to reach her before the EA becomes a PA and it seems that its getting close to that point everyday. The good thing is that she is currently aways so a PA is not possibe at the moment. This is why I have to act now as soon as she gets back. I pray for the best. I pray for her that she has the strength and wisdom to wake up and realise what she is doing is a mistake. If she gave me a chance I know we could work things out.