Another marrige falling apart
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Old 04-28-2010, 10:40 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Another marrige falling apart

So here we go...

Been married for 13yrs now and we have 3 very young children together. So in the beginning of the month something didn't seem right and my wife seemed very angry. I noticed her constantly checking her phone all the time and she would be going to the bathroom and spending longer then normal time in there.
I started spying on her because of my observations and noticed she was emailing an ex-employee (man) and they were talking about school and (she is taking a classes once a week). The emails seemed a bit to personal for my taste. I know they had planned to meet for lunch and they had meet before. OK so i asked her why she was so angry with me and she said she didn't want to get into it at the moment. I waited a while and brought it up again and then she let me have it. She said for last 8 yrs she had no feelings for me.
I had neglected her for a long time not knowing I was doing so. I spent most of my free time in front of the computer playing games and stuff. hardly helped with the kids. I told her I could change and she said fine change but do it for the kids not for me there is nothing there and she is just full of all this anger. she was sorry she never brought up the issues before. I'm so angry myself that she is not giving me a chance.
I don't want this for my kids they are so young. I never thought this would happen to us I honestly never saw the issues I know things weren't perfect but i never knew they were so bad. So eventually i brought up the subject of her and the other guy. she was very angry I was spying, but insisted that there was nothing going on and that they were just friends and he had been helping her with school and her resume. She wound up getting a new phone because of my snooping.
So if she wants out and I'm not ready what are the options I really do love her. one part of me says its over she is starting to move on with this guy. The other part of me says wow 13yrs there has to be something there. We are still living together for the moment and I'm not sure what she expects going forward there has been no mention of divorce so I'm in limbo we agreed it would be best for me stay around for the kids at this point. we will be going to see a counselor next week but i feel i forced to go with me she has plans to go on her own as well to deal with her anger issues.
BTW I have been thinking of contacting the OM but she had asked me to keep him out of it. I had promised I wouldn't get in touch with him and I don't want to break my promise but I really feel I need to get in the middle of them. I don't know exactly what he knows I'm sure he knows a lot.

So I need some advice...its so hard to think positive under my circumstances
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Old 04-28-2010, 11:26 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Another marrige falling apart

I am not sure where she gets this entitleistic mindset that she's entitled to have this "friend" but she's not entitled to anything. Let's face it - women are more often Democratic (entitleistic) and men are Republican (non-entitleistic). This isn't some gender biased declaration here - it's a known registered voter fact and therefore it demonstrates an underlying philosophy of the genders IMHO.

Frankly, I could summarize the end of my marriage being a Republican (me) marrying a Democrat. All I heard what was she was entitled to and it drove me crazy frankly.

This has been sort of an interesting "legal" issue in my ending marriage.

On a court motion, she said I read her emails and implied a violation of privacy.

If I did. . .so what? Aren't we a partnership? Why is my wife entitled to any privacy? It would be interesting to hear legal pundits debate how far the right to privacy is. What if she is fooling around with someone with Herpes? Don't I have a right to know that as a maritial partner?

Don't you?

To Hades with her right to privacy! SHe wants privacy - get a divorce or don't get married. That's what a partnership is - full disclosure.

If I have a business partner, I don't hide any aspect of the business to him or I am liable.

This isn't probably helpful advice. . .just some musings on your/my situation.

Her "new man" isn't her territory is my advice. You sound like me a bit - former beta male. You'll need to convert into alpha male a bit not so much for saving the marriage but for your own sake.

Good luck.
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Old 04-28-2010, 11:48 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Another marrige falling apart

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BTW I have been thinking of contacting the OM but she had asked me to keep him out of it. I had promised I wouldn't get in touch with him and I don't want to break my promise but I really feel I need to get in the middle of them. I don't know exactly what he knows I'm sure he knows a lot.
Whether she is willing to admit it or not, he is a part of this. While the marriage may have been troubled your years he is likely the catalyst for her anger and resentment to wards you. She is likely in an emotional affair with him and at some point, for the marriage to improve, she will need to break all contact with him. When you play that card is up to you. IT took me a long time to realize it had to be done and only when I did it did my marriage start to turn around.

Start with the counseling, it might help but be aware a lot of old baggage is will come out of it but the counselor needs to understand what the elements of the problems are. You wife has told you she hasn't been happy in a long time, this will not turn around quickly. Both you you will need to make changes and sacrifices to pull this out. Counseling is a good start.
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Old 04-28-2010, 12:06 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Another marrige falling apart

Well, I can tell you that I know how you feel, I'm about to be separating from my husband, we've been together 10 years and 2 kids. We too had our problems but I didn't know things were so bad and was totally blind sided when he confessed that he no longer loved me back in January. Then I found out about his affair. We were in limbo for a while, neither of us knowing which way to go. It was hard for me, and still is, to accept that after all we've been through he could just be done. Or that he could betray me so badly.

My advice would be to go to counseling, even if you think you are forcing her, if she's willing to go, don't question the motivation. Try to keep communication open, find out where she's at as far as wanting to work things out. If she does want to stay married and try to repair your relationship, then she needs to be completely transparent with you. No hiding phone calls or texts. Sure she shouldn't feel persecuted, but if she has nothing to hide then it shouldn't be a big deal. The best thing to do is get it all out on the table. Although my H and I are separating, over the last few months we have gotten out all our hurts, disappointments, mistakes, etc. We know where we went wrong, together and individually. So if we ever do reconcile, we know what not to do.

As far as contacting the OM, I wouldn't. I know how you feel, believe me, but nothing good can come of it. I would love to know how someone could be with a person they know is married, unhappily married or not. I would also love to take my anger out on her face. Not productive.

If she does want out your only option is to let her go. I have had to come to terms with that and it's taken me months. I'm still not completely ok with it, but I have no choice. I can't force him to stay when he doesn't want to, and can't make him love me. All I can hope for is that time and space will make him realize what he is throwing away.

But like Scanner said, you need to work on you, getting yourself right. Talking about it here helps, but if you're like me, sitting around the house, crying, feeling paralyzed, looking at your spouse and wondering who the hell they are, is not going to help. You have to get out, a hobby, friends, doing things with your kids, and just try to find some peace and happiness somewhere. Hope all works out for you.
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Old 04-29-2010, 09:33 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Another marrige falling apart

Hey thanks for the post people! There is some comfort knowing i'm not the only one going or been through such hard times. As far as her and the OM she insist that hi is just a friend and seems, I really want to believe her, she had mentioned before that there seems to be some chemistry between them but that's it. Its a very difficult subject to bring up because it just makes her more angry and feel i don't trust her. I can't say i fully trust her. And if it is just a friendship she is still hiding it to some degree, I mean she has told me she will continue to keep in touch with him. It just hurts to see some of their conversations they maybe nothing but the and faces and just playfulness hurts. also the sharing of music and stuff hurt as well. I made a promise not to call him but its very hard
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Old 04-29-2010, 11:19 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Another marrige falling apart

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As far as her and the OM she insist that hi is just a friend
It is very possible she is not being truthful with you or is in denial. My wife was in self denial about her EA for months. It took ending the relationship for her to realize it was much deeper. This "friendship" should be part of your discussions with the counselor but there will be many other issues to discuss too. More than likely your wife has emotionally disconnected from you and has developed some kind of bond with TOM. I would suggest you try and spend more time with her for now, but don't dote on her. Spend more time with your kids as a family and see what direction the counselor takes you. Remain calm with her and show as much confidence as you can.
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Old 04-29-2010, 04:06 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Another marrige falling apart

Here is what you do. You install a keylogger on her computer. You see if you can get access to the records on her new phone (depends on how she set it up). You gather evidence of the cheating. Once you have it, you sit her down and tell her you want her to stop the affair; if you want to talk to him, too, fine - you have the RIGHT to fight the affair, no matter what you promised her. If she refuses to stop, then you sit down and call her parents, her siblings, and her best friends (and your pastor if you have one), and you tell them what happened, admit your faults, and ask them for help letting her know it's inappropriate (if that's what they believe); whether they do or not is not as important as the fact that she knows that they all know now - and her 'fantasy' of her new life with this guy is just a fantasy and will never fly with her family and friends. At the same time, you also call the OM's wife, his parents, and siblings, and do the same thing.

Then you sit back and wait to see if it implodes - 50/50 chance of that.

Meanwhile, you need to do some hard thinking on what YOU did wrong, and FIX it! Every waking moment right now should be about you being the husband she always wanted. SHOW her that you CAN be what she wanted.

Once you do that, let us know what happens.
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Old 04-29-2010, 05:21 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Then you sit back and wait to see if it implodes - 50/50 chance of that.
I have always been pretty cautious of exposure as a tactic, however at times it is needed. As Turnera says, gather evidence and make sure you are on very solid ground before doing it. It is the nuclear option and while there is a 50% chance it may work, there is a 50% chance it will blow up in your face. If you decide to do it be ready to take the fallout if it fails and what your next steps might be if she walks out the door because of it.

In our case I never used it but it was available to me. In hind sight if I had used it I believe we would have crashed and burned at that moment due to the circumstances of the EA.

Think it through and if you decide there is a chance it will help do it from a logical aspect not out of anger or revenge.

Good luck!!
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Old 04-29-2010, 05:38 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Based on data from other sites, it has much better than a 50% chance of ending the affair. Does it bring you two together? Not necessarily. But it does more often end the affair.

It is NOT done for anger or revenge. It is to point out to two people fogged over by the addiction of the chemicals the affair is pushing through their brains (that's assuming the guy isn't just looking for free and easy sex), that what they are doing is a FANTASY and that most people will NOT accept them as a couple, considering they destroyed a family to be together. I like to say it points out to the wife that she will NOT get to bring the new guy home for Thanksgiving Dinner.

Which makes her rethink what she is doing.

Will she be mad? Most likely. Will she get over it, once she realizes she CAN come home and be a family again and everyone will accept her if she does? Most likely.
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Old 04-30-2010, 10:03 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Ladies and Guys once again, thanks for the post. I know I mentioned TOM in my situation, I had already gathered information and had brought it up to her and her parents. Her parents are kinda split on the situation, her father thinks like me no matter if she is not interested in forming a relationship with TOM or not I believe all men will ultimately want something back for their time and effort. Her mother on the other hand blames me for sending her into another mans arms. My wife insists that they are just friends and she is not looking for anything else at this time. I believe her I sincerely do believe her but regardless I think it is not right its like drop by drop a cup is being filled and their relationship will grow. I have told her that regardless of what the relationship is it hurt me to see the emails and msgs i saw even if they were not confessing their love for each other. I'm going to continue to do what i have to and try to put this in the back of my mind. My father told me something the other day and that was if I asked everyone in the world what to do 50% would say to contact him and 50% would say not to its up to me and I want to keep my promise to her that I would not contact him.. its not easy that's for sure and maybe I will change my mind later. I could probably destroy this guys life if I really wanted to. I'm very anxious about our first counseling session which is coming up in a few days. She has many of her own issues to deal with her anger and finding herself I don't think she has time for another man at this point. Again trying to be positive
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Old 04-30-2010, 10:09 AM   #11 (permalink)
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I'm very anxious about our first counseling session which is coming up in a few days.
Don't fear the counseling. It is there to help, hopefully you will get a good one but don't expect huge improvements. It will take time and it can be rough at times. But it can be a valuable part of recovering the marriage. Good luck.
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Old 04-30-2010, 10:10 AM   #12 (permalink)
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She has destroyed your trust. She does not deserve your promise.

Go to marriagebuilders.com and post there in Infidelity, and see what they tell you. They have a lot of expertise in this area.
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Old 05-04-2010, 02:28 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Well this past weekend was amazing we spent together with the kids and both agree it was very good. and last night was our first session together and I feel it went really well. I now feel there is still some hope left and I believe I'm on the right path to making things work. I'm not focusing on TOM at this point. Its sill a bit of an issue and was brought up in the session but I feel I need to just turn my back on it for the moment. I know some of you feel its best to put a stop to it but I know the out come will be better if she puts an end to it on her own because she no longer needs that crutch. I'm super positive at the moment. As I said before I really believe her and am putting my faith in her. I hope things continue to get better.
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Old 05-04-2010, 02:42 PM   #14 (permalink)
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If you want to affair-proof the marriage, go to marriagebuilders.com and print out two copies of the Love Buster questionnaire. Both of you fill it out and swap, so you can see what YOU do that bothers her. Then you make a concerted effort to stop all those LBs! It doesn't matter how many flowers you buy or dates you take her on, if you are still doing things that make her unhappy. You have to remove the negative first, and then add to the positive. It could be anything, from leaving off the toothpaste cap, to planning vacations without her input. Read what she says, and change your habits til you no longer LB her.

Once you've done that for a couple months (and hopefully she is doing the same), print out the Emotional Needs questionnaire. In it, you will tell her what your top 5 ENs are, which SHE should be filling. And vice versa. Once you know her top 5 ENs, make sure YOU are meeting them - then she'll have no reason to have a male friend who is meeting them instead of you.
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Old 05-04-2010, 02:44 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Another marrige falling apart

Are you able to see her calls and texts on her new phone?
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