Separation ever lead to reconciliation?
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Talk About Divorce and Separation »Considering Divorce or Separation » Separation ever lead to reconciliation?

Considering Divorce or Separation If you're considering divorce or separation, this is the place to talk.

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Old 05-11-2010, 04:17 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Separation ever lead to reconciliation?

I've posted about my situation here and now I wanted to start this new thread because I think my wife and I are moving towards this.

Since I found out about my wife wanting a divorce 3 weeks ago till now, she has not budged one inch on her decision to leave. We've talked, I've gone to counseling, we've gone to counseling together and she'll do some solo counseling at the end of this week.

I was wondering if getting a trial separation always leads to divorce. A lot of people have commented that she's in a fantasy world and thinks the grass is always greener, etc. If nothing or no one can convince her right now that she's making a mistake by leaving, will a separation help her?

I'm thinking about suggesting a separation where I would keep our three daughters while she goes out and "figures things out." Do you guys think this is a good idea if none of my actions or words are helping her see through the fog?

I understand that after a certain amount of time (a couple months?) if she's still convinced, we move on to the divorce. If she decides she made a mistake, we'll take it from there. Either way, I want the kids to live with me.

She doesn't seem to understand that although she's had 10+ years to plan on how to be with the OM and leave me, I've only learned about this 3 weeks ago. She's becoming very impatient with me and has the "let's just get this over with" attitude. I told her that I deserve more time to get not only my emotions sorted out, but all the other things in order for me to move on.

Of course, any action I take to try to get counseling or seek different opinions is viewed by her as a delay to her eventual happiness with the OM. She may see the option of separation as a plot to slow things down.

Any advice and wisdom would be appreciated. Thanks.
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Old 05-11-2010, 04:31 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Separation ever lead to reconciliation?

I don't think you have anything to lose. Its possible that she'll miss you if you aren't around. Its also possible that the OM could get a little spooked if he wasn't planning on a long-term deal with your wife.

Of course its also possible that she'll use the space to continue to get closer to this guy...
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Old 05-11-2010, 09:34 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Separation ever lead to reconciliation?

Yes and No

I think in your situation(and others that are similar) where your wife is wrapped up in another person it can be tough. With that said I could easily see this fantasy falling apart....like most do and her crawling back to you and the life she had. At that point you may not even be willing to take her back for all the pain she has put you all thru.

I can speak on my own situation that my H seems to be having a really hard time with all of it and almost seems like he wants to come back. He is seeing that I am changing and that living on his own isn't as great as he thought. BUT with that said I am starting to dry my tears and realized WHAT happen the last 3 wks before he left and what he did to me! I am just hoping he is looking at himself too and not just scrapping the surface because it is 'tough living on your own'

Best of luck!
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Old 05-13-2010, 10:38 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Separation ever lead to reconciliation?

She asked me "why do you even want a separation? how will it help you?"

I told her that I don't want a separation, that I was simply putting it out there as a possible option. Since all her friends were suggesting it anyway, I wanted to know her thoughts.

She let me know that once she's gone, she's gone. She doesn't want to leave for a while then come back and leave "for real."

Last night we also talked for a long time and she asked me if I was planning on taking custody of the kids. Her initial plan was to leave me, move in with the OM and take the kids with her. We'd have 50/50 custody, with her being the primary (kids live with her).

I told her that I may want to keep the kids. That I wanted to stay living here in our house with the kids. It definitely threw her off. She said it seems that everything she was planning was kind of falling apart. I told her that it was unrealistic for her to plan every single detail of her leaving and all of it to come true exactly as planned. I told her that I was considering every option but haven't made up my mind yet.

I'm really worried that she really isn't considering the impact of taking our girls out of their home, plopping them in a brand new environment without their dad, and suddenly thrusting the OM into their life and new role of the man mommy is with now.

I'm going to present her a scenario of our oldest daughter being in my shoes in the future and what she would advise her to do if a man did to her what my wife is doing to me.

She's also said she was going to go in for one-on-one counseling for herself, but now is saying she probably won't go. When I brought up the counseling for how to deal with the kids, she said that was counseling for me. I corrected her and told her WE have to go in to get counseling how to deal with the kids.

It's 10am, the next day from that talk and she's texted me "I'm just waiting on you."

It's amazing how someone could have such acute tunnel vision.
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Old 05-13-2010, 11:19 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Separation ever lead to reconciliation?

You are dead on about your kids. Don't tell her you "may want" them - tell her she'll take them over your dead body.

To me, that's pretty messed up for her to just make these plans for everyone else's lives like this.

After reading this, I think you need to talk to a lawyer, forget about saving your marriage, and focus on protecting your kids from your wife's little delusional fantasies.

And just to clarify - I've never understood 50/50 custody. I would think that a kid should have the stability of sleeping in one place - their home - every night of the week during school and the majority of the nights regardless of whether they are in school or not.
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Old 05-13-2010, 12:45 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Separation ever lead to reconciliation?

Dude your situation sucks...you have to let her go..what mother would ask if you're going to get custody?...she isn't even thinking about them at the moment..I don't know what led to her doing this but somewhere down the road when she's all alone after the OM leaves her because it isn't sneaky or exciting anymore she will think WTF have I done...you will have moved on stronger than ever and she will be reduced to a begging lapdog.
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Old 05-13-2010, 01:35 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Separation ever lead to reconciliation?

Yeah, a brief history: She's reunited with the first guy she's ever made love to...she was 14, he was 15...

According to her, she's never loved me and was just waiting for the chance to get back with him. She has actively pursued him throughout the years and they've been planning concrete things over the past year.

When I met her, she was working as a server in a restaurant. We had kids and we decided she would be a stay-at-home mom. She now has her education and a career. We've switched roles and I'm now Mr. Mom.

I have been trying to find a way to reconcile. She isn't hearing it. I don't know if she ever will, but 10 years from now, I'd like to look back and know that at least I tried to save our family.

The only thing I fear about telling her for sure that I want custody, is that in Texas she can slap a restraining order on me which would force me to move out of our home. I don't know if she'd go that far to harm our kids, but then again I hardly know who this person is anymore.

When she was asking about who the kids were going to live with, she TOTALLY assumed that I would just say for them to live with her. That's why I think she was taken aback when I told her that "maybe" I'd want to keep them.

I definitely need to tell her that they are staying with me. If she wants to run away to her fantasy land, it's going to be without the kids. Can you believe that the OM and her have been looking for houses to be able to fit all the new additions to their "new" family?

I don't know if they've found one yet, but I wonder if she's stupid enough to sign any paperwork on that new house before any divorce papers are signed.

BTW, she just let me know that she won't be home this weekend. I'll let her come up with the lie she's planning on telling the kids. I'm not going to back her up.

Thanks guys.
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Old 05-13-2010, 02:14 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Separation ever lead to reconciliation?

I hope you get an attorney. Sounds like you are in a bad spot, and even worse is that you are the only one who is really thinking about what is best for the kids.

Ask her what kind of story she was planning to tell them when it was time to pack their bags and move into a new house with a strange man they don't know.

I understand why affairs happen - but I don't understand women who put another man as a higher priority than the health and happiness of their own kids.
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Old 05-13-2010, 04:17 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Separation ever lead to reconciliation?

Man Blind...I can feel you from California..I'm in my 3rd month of separation (her choice)...we all want to believe our situations are not like everyone elses and they'll change their minds but from all the forums and posts it isn't reality..I'm done trying to figure out why my wife moved a block from where I work without thinking it was so she could be close to me but in all likely hood it is so I could still be close to my girls...it sucks for us guys when they go...but I decided to make my own rules about my situation and it seems to really piss her off for some reason...you need to do a complete 180..good luck
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