miserable marriage
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Considering Divorce or Separation If you're considering divorce or separation, this is the place to talk.

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Old 05-22-2010, 11:29 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default miserable marriage

I am 43, have 4 children, ages 18 months to 14 years, and have been married for 18 years.

I am miserable in my marriage.

First off, my husband never kisses me. He hid the fact that he does not like kissing, when we were dating. He pretended to like it and he did it before we were married. Kissing is one of the things I like most and so needless to say, the lack of it has left me feeling very unfulfilled. Even if he were to change his mind (which, obviously he won't) I have grown apart from him romantically because of this. I feel like he deceived me and I resent him for that. He never even hugs me or is affectionate in the least bit. I have no desire to be physical with him at all because of his lack of affection.

I find myself wanting out of this marriage. If it weren't for my four kids, I would get out in a minute. I was much happier feeling before I married him. Problem is, I am committed to this marriage because I know it would just destroy my kids' lives if we divorced. Believe it or not, the kids and my husband have no idea that I feel this way.

I feel like time is slipping away and I am just going to die in a loveless marriage. I want a man who is affectionate and loving and likes to kiss.

What should I do? Maybe I should just have an affair???
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Old 05-22-2010, 11:44 PM   #2 (permalink)
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You know what sucks about your post?...I'm 100% sure my wife who is 36 was feeling the same way you do before she finally had enough and suddenly separated from me after telling me almost exactly what you posted...I even hate reading it because I'm sure your husband has no idea..I have 2 daughters 9 and 11 she would never hurt them purposely so I know she thought long and hard before making the decision..it had to of gotten to the point where she could never see herself intimate with me again...but you know what..I hadn't been attracted intimately to her for probably 10yrs...I didn't like kissing her anymore even though we used to kiss so much early in our marriage our families used to make jokes and poke fun at us..problem is I would have been miserable to this day in our marriage if she hadn't left...sure it was and still is hard on my girls but they seem to be adjusting...my wife makes good money enough to support the 3 of them,she planned it for awhile even opening her own bank account and renting a place a block from where I work so (I think) I would still be close to my kids before even telling me...I move into my own place 1st of June..I guarantee your husband feels the same way you do although he won't say a word about it..question is..are you going to go through 16 1/2 more years of being miserable or separating and taking a chance of being happy apart or even possibly after being apart have thoughts that maybe 1 day you might get back toghether (although I doubt it) especially if you are the one to do it first..good luck..wouldn't want to be in his shoes either way.
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Old 05-22-2010, 11:54 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Well, he wants to be intimate with me. He thinks I am great. He laughs at my jokes, likes being with me, wants to wait up for me to come to bed with him but just has issues with affection. Maybe it stems from his loveless relationship he has always had with his own mother but either way, I am totally unattracted to him anymore. After being denied affection for sooo long, a person just loses the desire for that person.
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Old 05-23-2010, 12:05 AM   #4 (permalink)
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I kinda get the feeling someone just wants to see if the grass is greener...you need to tell him how you feel...be nice though.
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Old 05-23-2010, 12:11 AM   #5 (permalink)
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and I need to add that my husband is boring, has no friends or hobbies, never wants to do anything fun as a family on the weekend, doesn't ever plan anything fun to do for vacation at Spring Break, isn't good at conversation, and this is just for starters. The one thing he is good at is being a committed husband (no cheating) but honestly, I wouldn't even care if he cheated at this point. Then I could at least blame a divorce on his cheating. I don't want to be the one to ask for a divorce because I just know he will tell the kids that I was the one who wanted it first. That's what his father did and it ruined the way he looked at his mother ever since. I can't stand being married to him anymore but I feel so trapped because of my children. I don't want to ruin their lives just because I am sad and lonely. Sometimes I just wish I would die. At least then I would be out of this situation that I feel is almost unbearable.
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Old 05-23-2010, 12:14 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Oh trust me, I already KNOW the grass is greener. I just wish my grass was as green! LOL
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Old 05-23-2010, 12:18 AM   #7 (permalink)
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I thought I knew...once
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Old 05-23-2010, 12:19 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by 2Daughters View Post
I thought I knew...once
so you feel divorcing was a mistake then?
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Old 05-23-2010, 12:26 AM   #9 (permalink)
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We haven't divorced yet but I have brought it up to her...I never actually thought the grass was greener but I thought the bush would feel different.
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Old 05-23-2010, 12:29 AM   #10 (permalink)
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We haven't divorced yet but I have brought it up to her...I never actually thought the grass was greener but I thought the bush would feel different.
MOVING RIGHT ALONG..... anyone else care to comment?
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Old 05-23-2010, 12:38 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Old 05-23-2010, 10:15 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by allbymyself View Post
and I need to add that my husband is boring, has no friends or hobbies, never wants to do anything fun as a family on the weekend, doesn't ever plan anything fun to do for vacation at Spring Break, isn't good at conversation, and this is just for starters. The one thing he is good at is being a committed husband (no cheating) but honestly, I wouldn't even care if he cheated at this point. Then I could at least blame a divorce on his cheating. I don't want to be the one to ask for a divorce because I just know he will tell the kids that I was the one who wanted it first. That's what his father did and it ruined the way he looked at his mother ever since. I can't stand being married to him anymore but I feel so trapped because of my children. I don't want to ruin their lives just because I am sad and lonely. Sometimes I just wish I would die. At least then I would be out of this situation that I feel is almost unbearable.
so from your posts it appears you , never tried anything to let him know what you want him to do to make your relationship fulfilling while letting it continue to a point where you say even if he makes a effort now you dont want it anymore .

and now you want him to cheat on you just because you want to blame the divorce on him although its actually you who want it ?
I would suggest you to be bold enough to ask for divorce & be honest enough to accept that you never tried to save your marriage because you didn't want to .

u said your husband has no idea you feel this way so do him a favour , let him know that you have no desire for him & can't even stand him . He himself might be able to let you go .
Best of luck
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Old 05-23-2010, 10:28 AM   #13 (permalink)
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so from your posts it appears you , never tried anything to let him know what you want him to do to make your relationship fulfilling while letting it continue to a point where you say even if he makes a effort now you dont want it anymore .

and now you want him to cheat on you just because you want to blame the divorce on him although its actually you who want it ?
I would suggest you to be bold enough to ask for divorce & be honest enough to accept that you never tried to save your marriage because you didn't want to .

u said your husband has no idea you feel this way so do him a favour , let him know that you have no desire for him & can't even stand him . He himself might be able to let you go .
Best of luck
Maybe I didn't make myself clear... when I said he had no idea I felt this way, I meant he has no idea how much I want to leave him, deep down inside. He has no idea how much I wish I was with someone else who was fun. He knows what issues I have with him but he hasn't changed. You either like to kiss or you don't but he shouldn't have deceived me.
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Old 05-23-2010, 12:53 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Maybe I didn't make myself clear... when I said he had no idea I felt this way, I meant he has no idea how much I want to leave him, deep down inside. He has no idea how much I wish I was with someone else who was fun. He knows what issues I have with him but he hasn't changed. You either like to kiss or you don't but he shouldn't have deceived me.
so i am assuming you have already told him that he has deceieved you , is that right ?

btw you sound too much committed to be with someone else than try to improve your relationship , so do him a favour be truthful let him know you have no desire for him & how badly you want to leave him , I am sure he will let you go .

Best of luck
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Old 05-23-2010, 04:53 PM   #15 (permalink)
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so i am assuming you have already told him that he has deceieved you , is that right ?

btw you sound too much committed to be with someone else than try to improve your relationship , so do him a favour be truthful let him know you have no desire for him & how badly you want to leave him , I am sure he will let you go .

Best of luck
yes, that is right. I've told him several times.

If I was really more committed to being with someone else, I wouldn't be here now would I? I've been in this marriage for 18 years! I'd say that is pretty committed to THE MARRIAGE. But a person can only take so much and so I do find myself wishing I was not married anymore. I'd much rather be alone than be married. I'm not committed to being with someone else in ANY WAY whatsoever. Just sick of this loveless marriage, that's all.

And, he will not let me go. I've already asked him if he's be happier without me. His answer was a resounding "NO". I wish he wanted to get divorced as well. I don't want to be the bad guy in my kids' eyes and I know he would make me out to be that if I left him. His father did that to his mother and he poisoned him against her for life by talking badly.
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