28 year of marriage and I am trying to decide whether to leave help!
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Old 06-29-2010, 10:50 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default 28 year of marriage and I am trying to decide whether to leave help!

If you are reading this, thank you. I wrote another post listed as "Its so complicated" and I know it's very long. I would really like some opinions and advice.
I'm so empty and I have fantasy thoughts of having a full real relationship again. I hate the thought of hurting anyone but I think in the process I'm hurting myself.
Married 28 years, no intimacy for over 10 years, the thought makes me feel really sick. I want a romantic relationship again with someone who is in to me a little. My husband needs me and doesn't want a divorce but he does nothing to help make things any better. I tried for years, we did counseling a couple of times. Someone please help me out with some advice.
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Old 06-29-2010, 11:17 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: 28 year of marriage and I am trying to decide whether to leave help!

Wow, 10 years, that a long time without intimacy, let me tell you about his side, I didn't have an intimate bone in my body for my wife for about the last 3 years maybe longer, I loved her, but think my daughters had a lot to do with it, she had enough of being great roommates, told me how unhappy she was and was leaving, so she did, 3 months ago, she moved a block from my work, a block in a half from where I currently live, she says she is happy and can breathe again, now the happy part I'm okay with, but I never smothered her, not even close, on the other hand, I thought I was devasted by her leaving, but it was only getting out of my comfort zone that I was stressing about, hours, days now months, the pain has lessened 100 fold, I am still sad we won't be having a marriage, but she did me the biggest favor of all, now I am happy, now I can breathe and understand that now, the only drawback are the affect it has on my 2 daughters, but hopefully they will grow into it, they really have no choice, if you leave him, at first he will be sad, then resent you, like me although happy and breathing again, I resent her to the max, for how long, I have no idea, the resentment comes from the continued lying and how I was a terrible husband, which may/may not be true, but calling me a terrible father when she had an affair and the reason for leaving was such, has my resentment in full bloom, expect any reaction from him if you leave, but you'll be happy anyway.
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Old 06-30-2010, 12:36 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: 28 year of marriage and I am trying to decide whether to leave help!

It's really hard because we don't fight, we truly are room mates. He says he wants things to be different, says "he's trying" but nothing changes. I take that back, I have left him 3 times. Each time he changed and I went back home, gradually he just goes back. I finally had to realize he doesn't want to change. I don't mind him as a room mate but I feel like the marriage is a lie. I'm a young 52 and he is an older 62. He's can be very boring but a nice man. We aren't mean or rude to each other either. My daughters are from my first marriage and are all grown. One daughter recently told me she saw how my life had changed and that she thought I deserved to try to get more out of life. I'm scared, I guess I wish he'd come to the same realization and we'd face it together. I loose his family if I leave and that's hard. I also worry about his very elderly mother, she is frail and I'm afraid a divorce would put her in the grave.
I really don't understand why my husband has put up with no sex for all of these years. I think it's a sign of weakness. He's always said he's afraid of making me mad but I think that's exactly what he should have done a long time ago.
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Old 06-30-2010, 02:25 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: 28 year of marriage and I am trying to decide whether to leave help!

Not sure what you meant by make you mad, but I assume you mean argue?...because I can tell you, I'd give anything to have had a healthy spirited argument with my wife when we were together, I realize that no fighting at all is the worst thing..I hope you realize that it will have conseqences if/when you decide to leave, and some you might not expect, but if it is going to make you happy, I guess only you can weigh the options, my wife found out it's not as easy as she thought even though she said she had been planning it for 3 years, a person can plan what they are going to do, but not what the affected spouse will do, my wife made sure she changed bank accounts, had secured a rental for her and my girls before she told me about what she wanted...make sure you plan it well...if it's for good
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Old 07-15-2010, 10:07 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: 28 year of marriage and I am trying to decide whether to leave help!

First of all, thank you for taking the time to read and listen. Yes, what I mean when I say he's afraid to make me mad is partly argue but that never happens either. I used to get mad and vent, not much anymore, whats the point. I'm married to a man who is afraid to rock the boat for fear I'll leave and what it's done is made me feel alone and empty.
I have left before and did the same things your wife did, found an apartment all that stuff. I was very happy, then he would change, pay more attention to how he looked, he would act more interested in me even but it never lasts.
I'm giving it one more year I think and then I'll see where I'm at, if no change then I think its time.
Again thank you for your time.
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