I feel like I have wasted 25 years of my life hoping to feel real love. - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 4 (permalink) Old 06-30-2010, 11:55 AM Thread Starter
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I feel like I have wasted 25 years of my life hoping to feel real love.

We married when we were very young. I was 19 years old (now 44) and he was 23 (now 48). Our children are currently 22 & 19. When you read this please keep in mind that there has been alot of good times, love and forgiveness in our marriage. These past two years I have found myself closed off and angry inside I think to prevent further hurt on my part.

Two years ago my husband told my 17 year old daughter that he did not think that I loved him anymore. My daughter told me about it, and it was one more thing for me to add to the forgive but never forget pile. I confronted him and said that it really pissed me off that he actually brought our daughter into something that she should never have been brought into. Since then he has talked with our son about our relationship and even though I have told him to find a counsellor to talk to .. he ignores me and does is anyways. I hate his ability to just brush things under the carpet and think that they will just go away if he ignores or doesn't talk about them. We try to discuss things but it always turns into a full blown screaming match.

I’m utterly heart broken & angry for things that have been done through our 25 year marriage. I realize that I am not perfect and have also made mistakes. I have been completely faithful to my husband and our marriage.

In case your wondering about where my hurt and anger stems from ... bare with me as I try to explain.

He doesn’t takes care of himself, When he was 39 years old he needed all of his rotten teeth pulled (hygiene) and replaced with false teeth, he currently weighs 340 lbs and found out he has diabetes like his father had. I realized about a year into our marriage that he had a sexual/porn addiction that he has always denied or said that it was normal. He would have sex with me ... ask for more ... and then follow up a half hour later looking at porn on the internet. Throughout our marriage he has been caught looking at porn every second day, even our children have caught him. I beleive that there has been infidelity, although he denies it. He criticizes me if I get my hair cut short because he likes it long. He has physically abused me on three different occasions, his parenting skills suck most of the time, how he tells the kids that I don’t love him anymore & how he is going to divorce me because I am so angry all of the time. A year ago I noticed that he stopped kissing me & telling me that he loved me. When I asked why .. he said that he cannot tell me something that he does not feel. He says that he wants to love me but I am so angry all the time.

I’m overwhelmed physically & emotionally on how unhappy our marriage has become. Over the years I’ve grown angry at him & myself and I am tired of feeling lonely in this marriage, ignored when I talk, misunderstood when I try to explain, told that I am always trying to tell him how he feels and that I am just trying to start an argument … I’m just plane tired of being hurt & angry!

I don't think that he has ever acknowledged how he has contributed to my feelings of hurt and anger. Things have gotten worse since both of his parents (Dad - 5 yrs / Mom 2 yrs) passed away.

I feel like I have been more than patient in this relationship. Prior to him telling my daughter that I don't love him anymore ... I knew that there were problems in our relationship but I still felt that I loved him. It was like a switch turned off that day ... when he doubted my love for him ... after all the bull**** he had put me through and how I have spent a good part of my life forgiving him. I've pulled my load in this marriage by working part time while our kids needed me home (son has a learning disability) ... and being a great wife & mother to our children. He worked long hours and I would bring him a hot supper and visit or help him finish up his work so he could come home. For the past 5 years I have been working full time making a terrific wage ($20 per hr).

Have I found myself sleeping on the couch more often than in our bed? Yes

Do we have sex? For the past 6 years sex happens once every two weeks. I grew tired of feeling like his porn queen, his expectations of making love ... did not feel like love! We always tried new things ~ always! He was never starved for variety but what ever I offered never seemed to be enough. He would have had me in bed 24 hrs - 7 days a week if he could have. I couldn't keep up and he made me feel dirty like a prostitute. Recently I underwent a surgury that has cut sex down to nothing.

We rarely talk and when we do it turns into an arguement. I know that people may think that I am co-dependant, maybe I was even though I didn't think that I was. I believed that I stayed with him all these years because I felt love for him ~ up until 2 years ago ~ now its anger!

He would never go to marriage counselling when I asked him in the past. Two weeks ago I gave him no options and said we go or I am filing for a divorce. Yesterday was our first session ... Ken didn't talk much by choice but a second appointment has been booked. I think that I've always thought that the disability that my son suffers from (ADHD & Asperger Syndrome - high functioning Autism) that runs in his family plays a big part of my husbands life as well. No excuses but I think that I have hit a point that I am tired of being a caregiver & babysitter to my irresponsible husband. Why do I still love him? I just don't understand why? What's wrong with me? I feel so broken.

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post #2 of 4 (permalink) Old 06-30-2010, 03:48 PM
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Re: I feel like I have wasted 25 years of my life hoping to feel real love.

I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I personally don't have any answers. I just decided today (though I've been thinking about it for years) to get an apartment for myself.

We've been married almost 29 years. When we were first together, everyone said "It won't last. You two don't belong together." All during our marriage, our family and friends said "How do you put up with him, you're an angel." Now, at the news that we are separating, everyone is shocked and dismayed, thinking we were the couple who would always be together.

My husband is not physically abusive. He's not a bad guy. He's arrogant and self-centered. It's his way, or the highway. If you don't think like him, you're stupid. He's not that way all the time, but enough that it's gotten to be too much. When my girls were little, he was the apple of their eyes - as it should be. When they started getting older, they started noticing how much of a pain he can be. They have frequent conversations about how much of an a-hole he is. I'm not saying I'm perfect. I have faults. The difference is that I know I have faults.

Like me, you're probably going through ten million different feelings. I don't really know what answers we'll get out here, but I think it helps just to put it down in words.

We've done marriage counseling numerous times. His opinion is that if I would just "fix" myself and be happy, we'd be fine. You know what? At the age of 49, I'm tired of fixing myself. I think I'm probably fine just the way I am, but I don't think I'll never truly feel that way until I'm on my own.
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post #3 of 4 (permalink) Old 08-31-2010, 02:18 PM
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Re: I feel like I have wasted 25 years of my life hoping to feel real love.

Whether you and your husband make it through this or not you still will need to forgive him. I feel like a hypocrite saying that because I put up a wall against my husband because he has hurt me so many times that I just want to block my ability to get hurt. Since you just began counseling maybe you should give this more time before making a final decision. My husband refuses to see a counselor. He would never discuss his personal business with a stranger he says. I have given my all to my husband and it still isn't good enough. I feel like a slave. And what do I get for all my hard work? More cracks with his whip. He is the most selfish man walking the earth. He doesn't care about anyone but himself. And we have 2 baby daughters who idolize him. he criticizes me daily, complains and will not kiss me or tell me he loves me. I work full time while he sleeps all day and partys til 4 in the morning. I complain, whine, beg, put aside all my pride and dignity to try to get to the bottom of his problem. I have given my best. Said that to say you are not alone. But at least you have hope. He agreed to counseling so he hasn't given up on you two. Pray that this counseling really changes him. be honest and open during these sessions. Even getting your feelings all out will make you feel less angry. Don't bottle your emotions up everytime he hurts you. Say something even if he thinks you are being argumentative. Or you will explode and just leave and he will be confused as to what is wrong with you. he needs to know everything you wrote in the post including the hygiene issue. {{{BIG HUG FROM ONE UNHAPPY WIFE TO ANOTHER}}}

Last edited by LADYGAINES; 08-31-2010 at 02:20 PM. Reason: GRAMATICAL ERROR
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post #4 of 4 (permalink) Old 08-31-2010, 03:51 PM
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Re: I feel like I have wasted 25 years of my life hoping to feel real love.

OMGosh...Boy ill tell you after reading these posts my heart goes out to you ladies …reminds me of what selfish pigs we males can become …I wish I could offer some sound advice as we have had many struggles as well since high school (now me 43 her 43)…it seems we as men take our wife’s for granted and lead them in a direction we should have never been going …the most important thing that helps me is that God knocks me in the head and shows these wrongs to me in whatever way he does…I am by far from perfect but I know I have to answer to someone other then myself and I better work on getting it right not to mention all the mental anguish I can cause my family…I am so sorry you ladies are put through this …sounds like a good time for prayer and guidance good luck ladies keep supporting each other …take care ;-)
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