Re: I feel like I have wasted 25 years of my life hoping to feel real love.
I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I personally don't have any answers. I just decided today (though I've been thinking about it for years) to get an apartment for myself.
We've been married almost 29 years. When we were first together, everyone said "It won't last. You two don't belong together." All during our marriage, our family and friends said "How do you put up with him, you're an angel." Now, at the news that we are separating, everyone is shocked and dismayed, thinking we were the couple who would always be together.
My husband is not physically abusive. He's not a bad guy. He's arrogant and self-centered. It's his way, or the highway. If you don't think like him, you're stupid. He's not that way all the time, but enough that it's gotten to be too much. When my girls were little, he was the apple of their eyes - as it should be. When they started getting older, they started noticing how much of a pain he can be. They have frequent conversations about how much of an a-hole he is. I'm not saying I'm perfect. I have faults. The difference is that I know I have faults.
Like me, you're probably going through ten million different feelings. I don't really know what answers we'll get out here, but I think it helps just to put it down in words.
We've done marriage counseling numerous times. His opinion is that if I would just "fix" myself and be happy, we'd be fine. You know what? At the age of 49, I'm tired of fixing myself. I think I'm probably fine just the way I am, but I don't think I'll never truly feel that way until I'm on my own.