Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Pacific Northwest
Re: How to deal with the anger...
You know that for a long time I've been a big advocate of yours. For a long time I've been offering suggestions and encouragement how to deal with this. Sadly, because your wife has CFS she has decided to find some "self-worth" in being available to other men on the internet, and you know as well as I do that is NOT really a symptom of Chronic Fatigue! I know how debilitating CFS can be and I know that it is real and it is not just "being tired". My own Dear Hubby has CFS and yet he has not chosen to get his self-worth by looking to other women or by becoming a non-productive member of the family! My Dear Hubby coaches with me, creates websites, homeschools the children, and keeps the house...and he has freedom to do more on days when he feels well and do less on days when he's not feeling so good. He contributes to both the marriage and the family!
I think what is tearing you apart is that for the longest time you have desperately clung to the hope that your wife would come to her senses...and she's not.
I think what is tearing you apart is that for the longest time you have desperately clung to The Illusion you had that if you worked hard for your family, the pay-off would be a loving wife and happy kids...and it's not.
I think what is tearing you apart is that for the longest time you have desperately clung to the remote chance that your wife would snap out of it and care about the fact that she is dragging you and the kids down ... and she's doesn't.
I think what is tearing you apart is that for the longest time you have felt some anger building over being screwed like this (and make no mistake, you ARE being screwed) by someone who was supposed to love you, and you have yet to express the anger or act to protect yourself from being screwed.
NiceGuy, I know you are not perfect, but I also know you have been earning financially for pretty much the whole family, caring for the kids pretty much on your own, and caring the burden of this marriage and family by yourself for a long time now. You have been a noble man with character, and you've done the right thing. This isn't about "who's fault is it" but I can say that you have held up your end of the bargain! And now, because your wife choses to not pursuit income-producing options with her two degrees, she is on the brink of financial disaster. She can not just use the kids so she gets more child support because she has established a precedent of being "too sick" to work or care for them!
I do believe the time really has come to separate all finances, yours and hers, and let her sink or float on her own. Up to this point you've been willing to let her drag down you and the family emotionally and hurt you all without a cost. Now, if you do not let her sink on her own, you are threatening yourself and your children financially too.
The reasoning for doing this is not to "wake her up" because of finances. She may, honestly-I-kid-you-not, never wake up! The reasoning is primarily to protect yourself and the kids from being sunk due to HER choices! If she wants to sink herself, you can not stop her but you can stop her from sinking you and sinking the kids. Shoot, if you had to, you could be a single dad with a nanny who helps with housework and child care, and you can afford that without going under!
So I would strongly encourage you to PLEASE act on your behalf and for the sake of your children and protect yourself financially. I know you think "How do I untangle years of finances?" and it's easy, NiceGuy. What you make, you keep and use it to care for yourself and the children. What she makes, she keeps and does with as she sees appropriate. Plug in realistic numbers into the child support calculator for your state--your income, hers, and time spent with each parent--and that's roughly what your child support would be. Pay her that and not one red cent more until you hear otherwise. And if you need to migrate your cell phone...do it!