Summer1320

I am 25 yrs old and have been married for 2 yrs. My husband and I bought a house together 1 yr before we got married. From that point on our relationship started going downhill. It was then that I found out he had an addiction to porn and online dating sites. This really bothered me but he did not care at all. He wanted to leave me over it but I talked him out of it and eventually I just accepted it. Today though as far as I know, he doesn't look anymore but I don't care enough now to look at the internet history. Anyways, I feel very insecure in this marriage. Every time we have an argument/disagreement he always threatens divorce. I'm sick of it and can't live my whole life afraid of him leaving me. He works night shift and I work day shift. We only see eachother on Saturdays and Sundays. We both have a hard time communicating with eachother. I feel like we are going our seperate ways and I am no longer in love with him. I feel like I'm single and as much as I regret it, I have cheated on him in the past but he does not know this. He has never really shown that he cares about me until I recently mentioned to him that I'm thinking about leaving. I am shocked to see he doesn't want me to leave. It seems like all he cares about in women is looks. He doesn't want me to leave because he said he won't be able to find another princess like me. He said he'd walk through fire and crawl on hot coals and broken glass just to keep me. We don't have any kids but I would like one someday. He wants one too but doesn't want me to gain weight and get stretch marks. I'm just afraid that when I get older he will be unhappy with me because I'm not always going to look like I do now.

Two months ago I went to a lawyer for a consult and I am seriously thinking about filing for divorce. My husband does not know I've seen a lawyer. Should I tell him? I don't know if I'm willing to work this marriage out or not. I have a feeling that if I don't divorce him now then it will happen sometime in the future. I just have a really bad feeling. I am so confused and not sure what to do. Your advice will be very much appreciated!

losinglove

If you want to stay and work on your marriage you need to see a marriage counselor, and one that is pro-marriage.

You already told him you are thinking about leaving. He threatens divorce with you. Why not tell him you have consulted with a lawyer.

jacob

Hey Summer1320 -- If you do decide to make it work, it sounds like you and your husband could use some new strategies for communicating with each other.

One option would be to find a local marriage skills workshop at a nearby church or community center.

Another option is to check us out at http://www.poweroftwoMarriage.com. We offer an inexpensive online program designed to help people like you learn the skills to address the sort of issues you've described.

You can start the program by yourself, even if your husband isn't ready to check it out.

The good news is that if you guys do decide to try to fix your relationship, and if you're willing to put in the effort to learn some new skills, many many couples like you have created strong, loving and happy marriages even after they'd visited a divorce attorney for a consultation.

Best of luck!

- Jacob
jacob AT po2.com

827Aug

Kind of sounds like both of you have already decided which direction to take. Why see a divorce lawyer before a marriage counselor?

JustCallMeGirl

Summer1320, I know all too well the conflict you're probably feeling when it comes to deciding whether to divorce or not. My husband has been abusive and after being separated for 5 weeks I still don't see ANY signs of things being different with him but I still can't commit to divorcing him. I, too, feel like divorce is inevitable but I can't even take the step to talk to an attorney. I am, however, seeing a psychologist individually to help me work through things and it has been very helpful. This might be a good option for you...especially if you are not sure you are willing to work on the marriage. I still feel that way myself.

If you think that you might want to try marriage counseling as others have suggested here, I highly recommend that you do so with a psychologist. Solely based on my experience with the marriage counselor we had, who was a licensed social worker, it truly was ineffective. Which ever route you go, if you notice the counselor/therapist talking more than you and your husband, you are in the wrong place. Also he/she should help you find the root of some of the issues so the healing can begin there.

Summer1320

Thank you all so much for your input. My husband says that marriage counseling is useless and he will not go. However, he is saying he really wants to work this out. He used to always threaten divorce in the past but he hasn't mentioned it since I've told him how I feel about our marriage. I think he has always taken me for granted. I'm still confused....

DawnD

Why don't you tell him that you cheated on him so at least he knows everything that is going on in the marriage? That might help the decision along as well.

Summer1320

DawnD - I agree. He should know what I've done. I feel terrible about what I've done but I just don't know how to tell him. I guess there is no right way to say it.

DawnD

I didn't mean that in a mean way, but more in a "let him know exactly what is happening in the marriage so maybe the choice for you both would be more obvious" kinda way. Good luck though, I know its like being stuck between a rock and a hard place.

jeffreygropp

You need to be honest with him. And tell him about the affair.... in my opinion.