Is secretly videotaping your partner acceptable?? ever...

smartcookie25 · 07-12-2010, 09:14 AM

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My husband and I have been married for 12 years and lately there were some things that have come up from years of him being controlling and demeaning and just plain verbally and mentally abusive not horrible but still there. In the past 7 months we have not been intimate and for reasons of his behavior in the past just making the whole process a negative experience for me. Well I just recently found on his computer that he has been secretly videotaping me for his personal pleasure I assume when I am in our closet dressing and in the bathroom showering. This has been a very disturbing discovery for me and I don't know what to do next? I know I confronted him before and he told me it was wrong and he shouldn't have done it but somehow he justified it because it was in our house and it was me and not an affair or anything but it continued because i found more since he told me he wouldn't do it anymore. I just don't know what to do next??/ Think its time for divorce...

nice777guy · 07-12-2010, 09:21 AM

In many states, its illegal to tape (audio) someone without their knowledge, so I would think the same would likely apply here.

Do a little research. Regardless of what you find, tell him its illegal and threaten to call the police and have him arrested the next time he does it. Or, take his webcam or whatever he's taping you with away from him.

Not convinced its "divorce" time - but this behavior certainly HAS to stop.

smartcookie25 · 07-12-2010, 09:39 AM

Thanks for the reply nice777...there is a whole lot more to the story as to why i am thinking divorce. He has harrassed and bullied me sexually for the past at least 6 years from talking me into taking pics for him and i know he posted them to the internet and always over the top with sex and what i was wearing and he would stalk me everyday about what i was wearing it got real bad and all of this while my mother was dying. so much...i am just at the end of my rope i believe - and then to catch him once taping me and to admit to me and our therapist how wrong it was and that - that behavior would never happen again??? i just think he has a problem and i dont think i have the time or the energy to cope anymore :-(

827Aug · 07-12-2010, 09:47 AM

Can you move out or go stay with someone? That would certainly deny him access to filming. It would be interesting to see how he would react. What he is doing is just wrong!

smartcookie25 · 07-12-2010, 10:19 AM

I dont seem to be getting much feedback....

But I dont know I just feel in my gut its wrong!!! Trust is gone now....

827 there are children involved so its hard to pick up and leave espescially when they are not in danger and he is a good father and provider in that sense, but thats not enough now and I am just having a hard time forgiving is one thing but there has just been too much to forget! its just such a hard decision to make...ugh

BigB · 07-12-2010, 10:22 AM

Your husband is a porn addict and his distinction between fantasy and reality is blurred. Since he is an addict, he will go through a withdrawal phase in which he will do irrational things. My fear is that one of these things will be releasing your naked pics and videos to people who know you and matter to you. I know it is illegal but he will not be able to distinguish between legal/illegal and right/wrong.
Try to find out where he stores your videos and pictures and delete them. Also, find out with sweet talk if he has them backed up in storage devices like DVD, portable HDD et al. Destroy them too. Do not just take them away - destroy them!
I agree with 827 that you have to leave him but not before you safeguard yourself by getting hold of anything that he might use to hurt you in desperation.

smartcookie25 · 07-12-2010, 10:37 AM

I believe BigB that's what he is doing or already has done exposed it out there in Internet land! ugh...the whole thing is just twisted to me but maybe I am just on the reserved side - I just don't know how I managed to last this long - its been an exhausting haul to always try to satisfy him in that regard and after losing a parent i just snapped and haven't been right since! Life it too short to live it for someone else and if I stay I feel that would be the case and to disrespect me this way just makes it that much more worse and to lie also. He does have an addiction he will deny it though.

turnera · 07-12-2010, 12:27 PM

I would make all the computers and other electronics in the house 'disappear.'

Then I would tell him he has ONE chance left to stay married to you, and that is on your terms.

nice777guy · 07-12-2010, 01:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by turnera

I would make all the computers and other electronics in the house 'disappear.'

Then I would tell him he has ONE chance left to stay married to you, and that is on your terms.

As long as you aren't putting yourself in danger, this sounds like a pretty good idea.

You are not "too reserved" - this is definitely wrong and I'm 99% sure its illegal.

smartcookie25 · 07-14-2010, 10:18 AM

Well the latest is he said it was wrong back in April and said he would never do it again....guess what a week ago he was still recording me! ugh...i have just had it - to me there is no justification for this I'm sorry! so i copied it without his knowledge and feel i need to figure out how to end this toxic relationship!

Advocado · 07-14-2010, 11:38 AM

I'm sorry to know what you are going through and sorry to bring this up but can you be sure that you are the only person he has been secretly filming - e.g. who else might take a shower and end up being filmed?

I don't have any answers for you but something must be done - this behaviour is totally unacceptable, demeaning and unforgiveable. You deserve better.

turnera · 07-14-2010, 11:57 AM

I would start with telling his parents and siblings.

smartcookie25 · 07-14-2010, 12:10 PM

His parents are deceased...and his brother could care less and lives out of state - I and the children are basically it....which is why this is even harder for me - he already has abandoment issues from childhood but things have been bad for so long and now this...I just know in my heart I cannot recover from this - this is wrong.

turnera · 07-14-2010, 12:22 PM

Best friend? Pastor? Uncle? The only way he will ever get help is if he is exposed. Whether you stay or not (and I don't recommend it), you could help him by exposing it.

smartcookie25 · 07-14-2010, 07:12 PM

You dont recommend staying or leaving turnera? cause im heading for the door with this one....how can you possible accept behavior like this? or forget?