Wife doesn't want to try anymore. - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 117 (permalink) Old 12-13-2013, 06:35 AM
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You should date, so that she doesn't feel guilty about being the only one having fun

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post #17 of 117 (permalink) Old 12-13-2013, 03:09 PM
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Wink Re: Wife doesn't want to try anymore.

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Originally Posted by lifeistooshort View Post
So you can't be bothered to meet your wife half way and even hold her freaking hand once in a while because it's important to her and she's selfish? And saying you want to spice up your marriage means sex, it has nothing to do with the affection she's craving. If anything it conveys that the only affection you wish to give is sex, which will drive her away. You've basically told her that you are who you are and regardless of what she thinks she can deal with it. She's chosen not to deal with it. .I bet that even if there another man this is why.
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Yes that would be a good reason. It seems like both of you have checked out. Do you even want to save this? I don't understand the logic here at all. Now she's dating and your on the side lines? Why are you not open to changing yourself to see if your situation can change. It can also change who you are for the better for the rest of your life....
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post #18 of 117 (permalink) Old 12-14-2013, 02:13 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife doesn't want to try anymore.

i I never said she was dating. if i knew for a fact she was seeing someone else i would file myself. she tries to convince me that I dont really love her bedause of how ive acted over our marriage. She thinks if I dated someone else id realize that.

I just dont see how she would be cheating. She is with our two young children 24/7. Only thing I could think of is someone at the gym. She swears up and down she isnt talking to or seeing anyone.

I AM taking this oppurtunity to better myself as a person and husband. I am going to dig a little to see if there is someone else tho.
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post #19 of 117 (permalink) Old 12-14-2013, 02:53 AM
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Re: Wife doesn't want to try anymore.

Yes...I think it would be wise to investigate.

Check the phone records and her computer use, especially Facebook.

If you know what room she typically talks on the phone with her friend in, you can try placing a VAR to see what they are talking about.

If there is a POSOM, you can bet dollars to donuts that this friend knows all the details and they talk about her situation endlessly.
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post #20 of 117 (permalink) Old 12-19-2013, 07:14 PM
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Exclamation Re: Wife doesn't want to try anymore.

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That's a very big red flag!!!! You better start snooping and learn the truth.
IMO, she's already dating...hell it could even be the toxic friend husband!!
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Holy Crap-she want you to date other women???
Unreal-do you have an update?
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post #21 of 117 (permalink) Old 12-19-2013, 10:53 PM
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Re: Wife doesn't want to try anymore.

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My wife had a talk with me the other day. She told me she is not sure she loves me anymore and thinks she wants to separate. She says our 5 years of marriage has worn on her. She says i'm not emotional enough for her and don't show her enough attention and affection like I did when we were dating. She feels like I always reject her in public when she trys to kiss me or hold hands. Ive told her im not a PDA person and it makes me uncomfortable. We have to young children, and she doesn't work.

I apologized for not paying enough attention to her and promised I would be better and told her I was actually thinking I wanted to spice up our marriage a little more. It seemed to fall onto def ears.

So the plan is to sell the house in 4 months and go our separate ways(as much as we can) I told her Id like to try in those four months to turn our marriage around, she said ok. Then, the next day she text me while I was at work and said she changed her mind, she doesn't believe I will change and we will be right back to square one again. So basically she wants to just be roomates til she finds a job and we sell.

She has talked me before about these issues. I guess I didn't take her seriously enough. I don't want a divorce and am at a loss. I feel like she is being selfish in a way and is going to blow up our family to see if the grass is greener somewhere else..

Honey? Is that you? Kidding, but my H could have written this because those are my exact complaints plus a few others.

What is wrong with being affectionate to your wife in front of the kids?

What is wrong with showing her your love for her through words, like I love you, through actions like affection, through deeds like dancing in the kitchen with her while you wait for the water to boil for Mac and cheese?

How much alone time do you and your wife get each day? How often do you two go out on dates? How often do you give her sincerely compliments?

She takes care of other people's needs for love, affection, sympathy, attention, TLC...but (if you're like my H used to be) you rarely show her the same kind of TLC she gives out each and every damn damn of the year.

You can save this marriage, but you have to get rid of that stick up your ass and romance your wife. You have to show your kids what a good husband looks like, not just what a good father looks like.

Go to Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice and print out two Emotional Needs Questionnaires, one for each of you. THAT will be your game plan for what YOU need to do to meet her needs and have her fall in love with you all over again.

Yes, it's possible!
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post #22 of 117 (permalink) Old 12-20-2013, 10:43 AM
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Re: Wife doesn't want to try anymore.

dude I am at the tail end of this story, I went through the 'changes' it wont matter

there is another guy...period.

you should do the 180 but not to save your marriage, its to save you!

I wasted 8 months playing this game...learn from my mistake!
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post #23 of 117 (permalink) Old 12-22-2013, 12:11 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife doesn't want to try anymore.

so we talked some more today. She admitted that she has been talking to a guy at the gym a lot. she works out with him twice a week. she told me about two month ago that she was gonna workout with this dude once or twice a week, and if i was ok with it. she knew him from high school. she says he actually talks to her and listens and tries to understand how she feels. she swears up and down she has no feelings for him, but it made her realize she cant confide in me and we dont communicate well. more like re-affirmed her feelings of how our marriage has been. she said she understands if im angry about it and that it sounds bad, but is nothing, they dont even have each others numbers.

i really dont know what to think, cant decide if i should tell her to f off, or try. i dont want to be played for a fool.
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post #24 of 117 (permalink) Old 12-22-2013, 02:11 AM
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Re: Wife doesn't want to try anymore.

So in fact she has met someone who has caught her fancy. She is chasing the grass is greener somewhere else. Whether it’s a PA or just an EA or they are just gym buddies. She is having at least an EA in my opinion. He sees her for an hour or two twice a week, he listens, he understands her etc. She can harp all she wants about not having feelings for him but she is at least getting ready to have feelings. And according to your post just a few days ago she was swearing she wasn’t talking to anyone.

You need to work on your issues and you know that. She needs to start seeing some real improvement and that takes time. But she has checked out. She wants a divorce and she is trickle truthing you. You said you planned on selling the house in 4 months then going your separate ways. Maybe you should really start to consider creating a faster plan, make this more real. I get the feeling that you are the deer in the headlights…..the semi is coming. You need to choose if you want to fight to save or move to divorce.
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post #25 of 117 (permalink) Old 12-22-2013, 09:56 AM
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Re: Wife doesn't want to try anymore.

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Originally Posted by 71bgol View Post
so we talked some more today. She admitted that she has been talking to a guy at the gym a lot. she works out with him twice a week. she told me about two month ago that she was gonna workout with this dude once or twice a week, and if i was ok with it. she knew him from high school. she says he actually talks to her and listens and tries to understand how she feels. she swears up and down she has no feelings for him, but it made her realize she cant confide in me and we dont communicate well. more like re-affirmed her feelings of how our marriage has been. she said she understands if im angry about it and that it sounds bad, but is nothing, they dont even have each others numbers.

i really dont know what to think, cant decide if i should tell her to f off, or try. i dont want to be played for a fool.
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Enter the "she's cheating" hysterics!

Look, you've been emotionally distant, aloof, cold and she doesn't feel like you are able to hear what she has to say.

If you want your marriage to work, YOU have to find a way to be emotionally connected to her. If, however, you pursue the cheating and tell her to F off, you may as well just start divorcing now.

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post #26 of 117 (permalink) Old 12-22-2013, 10:19 AM
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Enter the "she's cheating" hysterics!

Look, you've been emotionally distant, aloof, cold and she doesn't feel like you are able to hear what she has to say.

If you want your marriage to work, YOU have to find a way to be emotionally connected to her. If, however, you pursue the cheating and tell her to F off, you may as well just start divorcing now.
If he wants his marriage to work, it's going to be impossible to emotionally connect with her if she's emotionally connecting with her workout boyfriend.
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post #27 of 117 (permalink) Old 12-22-2013, 03:43 PM
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Re: Wife doesn't want to try anymore.

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Enter the "she's cheating" hysterics!

Look, you've been emotionally distant, aloof, cold and she doesn't feel like you are able to hear what she has to say.

If you want your marriage to work, YOU have to find a way to be emotionally connected to her. If, however, you pursue the cheating and tell her to F off, you may as well just start divorcing now.

And how did she come to realize this?
By working out with an old guy friend from high school?

Textbook play on how to pick up a married woman it seems doesn't it?

Not even saying she is cheating, but this doesn't seem like a red flag that should be dealt with?
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post #28 of 117 (permalink) Old 12-22-2013, 04:55 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife doesn't want to try anymore.

How exactly do i deal with it? she is still being wishy washy if she wants to try. Ive asked her twice if this is really what she wants(seperating) both times she said shes unsure, one time she cried. Sometimes she is receptive to me other times not. She will not have sex. She says she feels like we would be moving backward. Its hard cause im really physically attracted to her. I just failed to let her know that enough..

I hate the fact she holds all the power right now, its driving me crazy
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post #29 of 117 (permalink) Old 12-22-2013, 04:57 PM
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Re: Wife doesn't want to try anymore.

Take the power away. File for divorce and implement the 180.
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post #30 of 117 (permalink) Old 12-22-2013, 05:07 PM
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Re: Wife doesn't want to try anymore.

Why would she want to have sex with someone who's completely emotionally unavailable? Go ahead and tell her to f!ck off and treat your next woman the same way, see how that works for you.
Have you admitted to your wife that you've been aloof and unavailable and you'd like to change that? That's why she's on the fence, she doesn't want more of the same. If you're going to dig your heels in regarding your own attitude just file now and get it over with. Myex was very much like you describe yourself and eight years after our divorce I'm remarried and he's still single, because that attitude of unavailability unless he wants sex doesn't serve him well.
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