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post #46 of 117 (permalink) Old 12-23-2013, 07:36 AM
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Re: Wife doesn't want to try anymore.

You are in a tough spot. Everyone is right. The OM needs to out of the picture.
You also need to work on yourself so she becomes attracted to you once again.
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post #47 of 117 (permalink) Old 12-23-2013, 08:21 AM
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Re: Wife doesn't want to try anymore.

please be careful, this is following a very similar pattern to what happened to me. mark my words, you will do all the changing, things will get better for a few months and then she will be back to him and youll feel like a fool

i hope im wrong....
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post #48 of 117 (permalink) Old 12-23-2013, 08:54 AM
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Re: Wife doesn't want to try anymore.

I don't disagree with other posts, I just want to point out that your wife became vulnerable to an emotional affair because you weren't meeting her needs. Every female poster on this thread has said the same thing and every male has completely dismissed that.

Own your crap! Work on yourself. Don't be a doormat. Insist on full effort on both your parts. But if you go into this with the mindset that she owes you for having stumbled into an emotional affair, you're going to lose her because you're not owning your crap too!
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post #49 of 117 (permalink) Old 12-23-2013, 09:10 AM
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Re: Wife doesn't want to try anymore.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Anon Pink View Post
I don't disagree with other posts, I just want to point out that your wife became vulnerable to an emotional affair because you weren't meeting her needs. Every female poster on this thread has said the same thing and every male has completely dismissed that.

Own your crap! Work on yourself. Don't be a doormat. Insist on full effort on both your parts. But if you go into this with the mindset that she owes you for having stumbled into an emotional affair, you're going to lose her because you're not owning your crap too!
Anon Pink, the OP has continually been "owning his crap." Up until post number 42, his wife never admitted to any wrongdoing. He's been thinking this whole time it's been his fault that his wife has disconnected for ignoring her needs, when the truth is she's completely focused on her married-man-boyfriend.

And by the way, firm boundaries will go a long way toward preventing a spouse from "stumbling" into an emotional affair. So his "mindset" should include her getting a big education on boundaries.
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post #50 of 117 (permalink) Old 12-23-2013, 11:40 AM
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Re: Wife doesn't want to try anymore.

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Originally Posted by Cubby View Post
Anon Pink, the OP has continually been "owning his crap." Up until post number 42, his wife never admitted to any wrongdoing. He's been thinking this whole time it's been his fault that his wife has disconnected for ignoring her needs, when the truth is she's completely focused on her married-man-boyfriend.

And by the way, firm boundaries will go a long way toward preventing a spouse from "stumbling" into an emotional affair. So his "mindset" should include her getting a big education on boundaries.
Chicken or egg. Was she vulnerable because of his behavior or was OM's presence what clued her into the fact that her H wasn't meeting her needs? Does it really matter?

Yes, he has been owning his crap, slightly. I'd like to see more of that. I don't hold his wife blameless, please understand. There is enough blame here to go around.

What is positive is that they caught this early before irreparable harm could be done to their relationship. They stand on the precipice of turning this marriage from lack luster disconnect to powerful emotional intimacy and love.

I see good things in his future!

That'll be 35 bucks please. Make check payable to Madame Pink!
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post #51 of 117 (permalink) Old 12-23-2013, 12:02 PM
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Re: Wife doesn't want to try anymore.

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Originally Posted by Anon Pink View Post
I don't disagree with other posts, I just want to point out that your wife became vulnerable to an emotional affair because you weren't meeting her needs. Every female poster on this thread has said the same thing and every male has completely dismissed that.

Own your crap! Work on yourself. Don't be a doormat. Insist on full effort on both your parts. But if you go into this with the mindset that she owes you for having stumbled into an emotional affair, you're going to lose her because you're not owning your crap too!
Whatever you do, don't listen to this post. It is nonsense. For some crazy reason, Anon Pink does not believe that women should be accountable for anything that they do- ever.
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post #52 of 117 (permalink) Old 12-23-2013, 12:26 PM
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Re: Wife doesn't want to try anymore.

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Originally Posted by Anon Pink View Post
Chicken or egg. Was she vulnerable because of his behavior or was OM's presence what clued her into the fact that her H wasn't meeting her needs? Does it really matter?
You only gave two reasons and BOTH ARE HIS FAULT.

Can you think of a third reason? I can, and it's about his wife having poor boundaries and becoming closer to another man than a married woman should and becoming emotionally bonded with him, not necessarily because her husband is lacking, but because this new guy is just that, new and exciting.

He made her giddy and intoxicated with "love," (brain chemicals) while Mr. Same Old, Same Old, in her eyes became boring by comparison. It's really hard to compete with "new."

This is a boundary issue, and the blame falls on his wife. If she had a problem with husband being emotionally "not there," take it up with counseling or to really get his attention, file for divorce. Getting inappropriately close to another man is wrong, period.

Last edited by Cubby; 12-23-2013 at 12:31 PM.
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post #53 of 117 (permalink) Old 12-23-2013, 12:37 PM
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Re: Wife doesn't want to try anymore.

"Chicken or egg"= her lack of integrity.

There is no excuse for cheating. If she wants to pursue other men and live like a single person, she should have filed for D.

Instead she became a cake-eater. Her hubby is working hard to support his family, whilst she goes to the gym and flirts with OM. And starts an affair. Then she blameshifts and puts the failure of the relationship on her husband!

Give me an effin break!

OP,

If your cheating, lying wife wants to stay married to you, it's up to her to do the heavy lifting.

1.) All contact with OM ends. This means she does work-out videos at home now.

2.) She writes a No-Contact letter to OM. You read and and mail it.

3.) Complete transparency. No passcoding her phone. No deleting texts.

4.) Marriage and individual counselling for both of you.

Personally, I'd dump her sorry @$$.

Good luck!

"A healthy choice to enforce boundaries by walking away from a dysfunctional relationship has more to do with recognizing the likeliest outcomes than with wanting to punish or retaliate against one's wayward spouse."

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post #54 of 117 (permalink) Old 12-23-2013, 01:49 PM
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Re: Wife doesn't want to try anymore.

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The truth comes out! She finally admitted she has feelings for this guy. She wanted to be honest with me but she was scared id blow it up and tell everyone she was a *****. The guy is married. They decided today that the werent gonna talk anymore. She says she feels guilty about possibley having feelings for someone else. I told her I understand our marriage hasn't been the best and I havent been the best husband, but its still wrong and hurtful that she opened herself up. I told her that im no longer going to be the only one trying to saveour marriage. She has until tomorrow night when I get off work to decide if she wants to try and save our family. If I get a no or a wishy wash asnwer I'm filing asap. Im not gonna try at all unless I feel like shes 100% comitted. Even then Im not sure, I might just tell her no, I dont know if I can trust her again.
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I know it sucks right now, but truthfully it sounds like this could be WAY worse. You didn't mention what it was that made her fess up to the feelings, but it almost sounds like you were just asking her about it, not that you found some evidence and confronted/forced it out of her. Plus, you don't really have to believe her or not because she said that they aren't going to communicate anymore, which should be relatively easy for her to either prove that to you or be caught in a lie.

I know a lot of people would disagree with me, but I wouldn't be to harsh right now. It sounds like she caught herself on the verge of an Emotional Affair, or in a very mild EA. She seems to feel pretty bad about it and knows it was wrong. This returns some of the power to you. But if you are too harsh on her over this, you'll just push her right back to where she was before, extremely vulnerable to any other man who might come along with a few compliments.

I'd say that you need to be firm on the issue of no contact. No more seeing, communicating with, or being around this guy. Point out that you have noticed her being very protective of her phone, and combined with this news, she needs to assure you that there has been no illicit use of the phone and promise that you may ask to see it anytime. She really needs to switch to a different gym as well, because it's not fair for her to ask that you trust her now to still see him at the gym which is how this started in the first place. Also, you should ask for ANY saved communications they might have between each other, such as e-mails, texts, voicemails, etc., ask her to tell you what kind of illicit things they discussed, what they did or did not do together (did they only talk at the gym? Did they ever get together outside of the gym? Did they speak on the phone? Text? E-mail? Does anyone else know about this? etc.)

Aside from that, I think you responded well! It sounds like you indicated that you again acknowledged your faults in the matter, which I think it is good for her to know that you understand that while her maybe crossing a line with this guy was her responsibility, that you are also understanding of the fact that your faults in the marriage is what led her to being vulnerable in the first place. I think it would be good to make sure that she understands that you aren't just a bad husband who now is going to take advantage of her screw-up to blame everything on her and feel that it was all her fault all along. I think you have an opportunity to make clear that you are the FORMER bad husband who recognizes that his bad behavior played a role in her bad decision, and that as long as she is committed to putting in the effort to reestablishing your trust, then you will remain committed to proving to her that you can and will leave your old bad habits behind and be a great husband going forward.

Otherwise I think you run the risk of basically undermining any tiny bit of progress you've made thus far and showing her that you'll never change by simply taking advantage of this situation by making her feel like everything is her fault.
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post #55 of 117 (permalink) Old 12-23-2013, 02:39 PM
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Re: Wife doesn't want to try anymore.

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Originally Posted by Cubby View Post
You only gave two reasons and BOTH ARE HIS FAULT.

Can you think of a third reason? I can, and it's about his wife having poor boundaries and becoming closer to another man than a married woman should and becoming emotionally bonded with him, not necessarily because her husband is lacking, but because this new guy is just that, new and exciting.

He made her giddy and intoxicated with "love," (brain chemicals) while Mr. Same Old, Same Old, in her eyes became boring by comparison. It's really hard to compete with "new."

This is a boundary issue, and the blame falls on his wife. If she had a problem with husband being emotionally "not there," take it up with counseling or to really get his attention, file for divorce. Getting inappropriately close to another man is wrong, period.
Sure, I can think of a Third, Fourth and Fifth reason. None of them as likely as the basic fact they started taking each other for granted and GYN guy gave her nice attention.

You men have to stop projecting! Jesus H Christ, not every woman is going to spread her legs just because Mr. Buff and New says "nice Tits lady!"

And it's NOT hard to compete with new. Not At ALL!!!!!! I've been married for 29 years and I gotta say if I NEVER stepped out after 29 years of essentially being ignored, never and I do mean NEVER getting a compliment, no affection unless I start it off, there are tons of women who also won't go down that road.

Being flirty is NOT the same as stepping out. A passing friendship is NOT an EA. You guys are more hysterical than women are purported to be, sheeshe!

Wilderness, Back the F off! I am in no mood to deal with your sh!t today!

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post #56 of 117 (permalink) Old 12-23-2013, 03:00 PM
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Re: Wife doesn't want to try anymore.

Trickle truth....

Do you really believe you have the truth now? Do you know why she didn't want to have sex with you? It would be cheating on her boyfriend. Schedule a polygraph, she'll confess in the parking lot.
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post #57 of 117 (permalink) Old 12-23-2013, 03:34 PM
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Re: Wife doesn't want to try anymore.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Anon Pink View Post
Sure, I can think of a Third, Fourth and Fifth reason. None of them as likely as the basic fact they started taking each other for granted and GYN guy gave her nice attention.

You men have to stop projecting! Jesus H Christ, not every woman is going to spread her legs just because Mr. Buff and New says "nice Tits lady!"

And it's NOT hard to compete with new. Not At ALL!!!!!! I've been married for 29 years and I gotta say if I NEVER stepped out after 29 years of essentially being ignored, never and I do mean NEVER getting a compliment, no affection unless I start it off, there are tons of women who also won't go down that road.

Being flirty is NOT the same as stepping out. A passing friendship is NOT an EA. You guys are more hysterical than women are purported to be, sheeshe!

Wilderness, Back the F off! I am in no mood to deal with your sh!t today!
Anon,

"Us men" could throw the "Stop projecting" crap right back at you.

Are you claiming that an EA is a "passing friendship"? She already has admitted to having feelings, and we all know this is trickle truth. Next we will hear how they left the gym early one day and made out. "Just kissed", of course.

She passcodes and guards her phone, which likely means sexting and pics.

Could we be wrong? Maybe, but I doubt it.

"A healthy choice to enforce boundaries by walking away from a dysfunctional relationship has more to do with recognizing the likeliest outcomes than with wanting to punish or retaliate against one's wayward spouse."

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post #58 of 117 (permalink) Old 12-23-2013, 03:41 PM
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Re: Wife doesn't want to try anymore.

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Originally Posted by Anon Pink View Post
Sure, I can think of a Third, Fourth and Fifth reason. None of them as likely as the basic fact they started taking each other for granted and GYN guy gave her nice attention.
.....and wifey, having poor boundaries, jumped into a relationship and before you know it was addicted to him emotionally. (and maybe physically)

Quote:
You men have to stop projecting! Jesus H Christ, not every woman is going to spread her legs just because Mr. Buff and New says "nice Tits lady!"
No, not all women, but it happens often enough that only a fool would rule it out in cases like this. In this case I don't know just how far she went with gym-boy. She might have spread her legs. That's unknown.

Quote:
And it's NOT hard to compete with new. Not At ALL!!!!!! I've been married for 29 years and I gotta say if I NEVER stepped out after 29 years of essentially being ignored, never and I do mean NEVER getting a compliment, no affection unless I start it off, there are tons of women who also won't go down that road.
No the initial "in love-butterflies-rainbow" feelings when you first start dating someone are completely different that the feelings you get from someone you've been with for a long time. I like the longtime deep love I feel for my wife, but it's a completely different thing than that exciting new feeling. Some choose to act on those feelings, others don't.

Quote:
Being flirty is NOT the same as stepping out. A passing friendship is NOT an EA. You guys are more hysterical than women are purported to be, sheeshe!
Agree that being flirty is NOT the same as stepping out. Did anyone here say it is? But being flirty can lead to stepping out. Again, boundaries. And a passing friendship may not be an EA, but then again, it might be one. How many accounts of infidelity do you have to read to realize that being flirty and having close friends of the opposite sex can be like playing with fire?
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post #59 of 117 (permalink) Old 12-23-2013, 05:12 PM
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Re: Wife doesn't want to try anymore.

Anon Pink, I like your point. Whether his poor "husbanding" left her vulnerable to Gym Guy's notice or Gym Guy's notice woke her up to her spouses poor "husbanding" is sort of irrelevant. He still need to step it up and can't use her crossed boundary as an excuse for the whole issue to be all her fault, as if she would be happy and the relationship would be great if she had just had better boundaries.

Cubby is also right that we do see situations like this so very often where a married woman is easily lured away when another guy at the right time and place is able to engage her into crossing boundaries that she probably would not have crossed had he not presented the opportunity. But as Anon points out, I imagine that in the vast majority of the time, this happens because there is already a problem in the marriage that has left her vulnerable to begin with. Meaning that problem, the vulnerability is what led to the weakened boundaries.

And I do agree with cubby's statement, "being flirty and having close friends of the opposite sex can be like playing with fire?" I think the best case scenario is when someone can know themselves well enough to set healthy boundaries. I have a good friend (who happens to be a pastor) who has a rule that he does not ride or drive in cars alone with women. He just prefers to avoid even the slightest possible temptation, and lives by this rule as a gift of sort to his wife, to show her that she can be assured of his commitment to her. She never demanded it, and he doesn't feel like it is WRONG for men and women who aren't married to be alone together, he doesn't feel like he has to live by that rule or is supposed to, he chooses to. I think it's pretty awesome really.
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post #60 of 117 (permalink) Old 12-23-2013, 07:14 PM
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Re: Wife doesn't want to try anymore.

I agree with Anonpink. I wife in this position really can't win unless she sucks it up and takes the emotional neglect. This wife has probably talked to her hb about her needs before and he blew them off; it's only now that he's not getting sex that this is blowing up. I bet if she was here because her hb was talking to another woman and admitted she denied him sex everyone would rip her a new one. Emotional needs are not treated quite the same as sexual needs, yet emotional affairs are treated the same as physical affairs. If this wife had simply tired of her emotional needs not being met and left him everybody would be screaming she's having an affair anyway. Yet if a hb left because he wasn't getting sex nobody would automatically scream he's having an affair. Nice double standard. It's a fact that if you don't pay attention to your wife outside the bedroom she will be vulnerable to attention elsewhere. OP himself made a comment about not getting sex and how he never told her how attracted to her he was. Not how much he loved her or how much she meant to him, just how attracted to her he is. That's very telling about the dynamic.
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