The truth comes out! She finally admitted she has feelings for this guy. She wanted to be honest with me but she was scared id blow it up and tell everyone she was a *****. The guy is married. They decided today that the werent gonna talk anymore. She says she feels guilty about possibley having feelings for someone else. I told her I understand our marriage hasn't been the best and I havent been the best husband, but its still wrong and hurtful that she opened herself up. I told her that im no longer going to be the only one trying to saveour marriage. She has until tomorrow night when I get off work to decide if she wants to try and save our family. If I get a no or a wishy wash asnwer I'm filing asap. Im not gonna try at all unless I feel like shes 100% comitted. Even then Im not sure, I might just tell her no, I dont know if I can trust her again.
Posted via Mobile Device
I know it sucks right now, but truthfully it sounds like this could be WAY worse. You didn't mention what it was that made her fess up to the feelings, but it almost sounds like you were just asking her about it, not that you found some evidence and confronted/forced it out of her. Plus, you don't really have to believe her or not because she said that they aren't going to communicate anymore, which should be relatively easy for her to either prove that to you or be caught in a lie.
I know a lot of people would disagree with me, but I wouldn't be to harsh right now. It sounds like she caught herself on the verge of an Emotional Affair, or in a very mild EA. She seems to feel pretty bad about it and knows it was wrong. This returns some of the power to you. But if you are too harsh on her over this, you'll just push her right back to where she was before, extremely vulnerable to any other man who might come along with a few compliments.
I'd say that you need to be firm on the issue of no contact. No more seeing, communicating with, or being around this guy. Point out that you have noticed her being very protective of her phone, and combined with this news, she needs to assure you that there has been no illicit use of the phone and promise that you may ask to see it anytime. She really needs to switch to a different gym as well, because it's not fair for her to ask that you trust her now to still see him at the gym which is how this started in the first place. Also, you should ask for ANY saved communications they might have between each other, such as e-mails, texts, voicemails, etc., ask her to tell you what kind of illicit things they discussed, what they did or did not do together (did they only talk at the gym? Did they ever get together outside of the gym? Did they speak on the phone? Text? E-mail? Does anyone else know about this? etc.)
Aside from that, I think you responded well! It sounds like you indicated that you again acknowledged your faults in the matter, which I think it is good for her to know that you understand that while her maybe crossing a line with this guy was her responsibility, that you are also understanding of the fact that your faults in the marriage is what led her to being vulnerable in the first place. I think it would be good to make sure that she understands that you aren't just a bad husband who now is going to take advantage of her screw-up to blame everything on her and feel that it was all her fault all along. I think you have an opportunity to make clear that you are the FORMER bad husband who recognizes that his bad behavior played a role in her bad decision, and that as long as she is committed to putting in the effort to reestablishing your trust, then you will remain committed to proving to her that you can and will leave your old bad habits behind and be a great husband going forward.
Otherwise I think you run the risk of basically undermining any tiny bit of progress you've made thus far and showing her that you'll never change by simply taking advantage of this situation by making her feel like everything is her fault.