Wife doesn't want to try anymore. - Page 5 - Talk About Marriage
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post #61 of 117 (permalink) Old 12-23-2013, 07:15 PM
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Re: Wife doesn't want to try anymore.

Now that you confirmed an infection in the marraige your current task is to confirm NC(No Contect) with a VAR (Voice Activated Recorder) and look for that burner phone.

This is an addiction and you have to confirm NC until this infection into the marriage is gone all the MC (marriage counseling) and "best husband: business will help.

Again tha OM has to be completely gone.

Has she canceled her gym member ship?

From here on out it all about her actions to save the marriage by validating and you confirming NC.

If not the infectio will not go away.

Real simble bro....as long as there is a third party involved you can't compete.

If you old lady can vaidate and you can confirm NC then you have a chance...the chances to save this will increase if you tell the OMS other mans wife.

So you would be a fool not to ask the OMW for her support in both marriages by exchanging intel and having two sets of eyes on this affair.

Tell the OMW not only helps with comparing notes and watching out for the other AP (affair partner), but it also pulls the thinking/mind set that the "affair is the affair" and "the marriage is the marriage" to now my affair is with my marriage...see she has compartalmentalized this affair....exposing to OMW has now brought the two different life your wife has together.


So there or several reason to expose to OMW. The important thing is never tell your wife your doing this it will ruin the effectiveness of the exposure.

FIND AND TELL OMW RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!


sorry for yelling

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post #62 of 117 (permalink) Old 12-23-2013, 07:20 PM
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Re: Wife doesn't want to try anymore.

Sure you neglegeted your wife, but this guy is going to do a lot worse...once he tags your wife....she will be dumbed.

Do what you can to save your wife from making a big mistake.

Expose to OMW and I bet this gym guy throws your wife under the bus to save his own @ss/marriage.


At the end of the day you can't nice your way out of this when the OM is still in the picture!
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post #63 of 117 (permalink) Old 12-23-2013, 07:24 PM
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Re: Wife doesn't want to try anymore.

Just so you know, the script dictates this;

wife leaves for OM.

affair falls apart.

wife comes crawling back.

Granted I'm greatly generalizing but the only variable is the amount of time between these three points.
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post #64 of 117 (permalink) Old 12-23-2013, 07:28 PM
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Re: Wife doesn't want to try anymore.

You do see that 4 pages ago your wife was blame shifting her feeling for OM.

Sure you neglegeted her but here we are going inot the 5th page of this thread and it is clear that there is now a huge degree of deceit on your old ladies part.

This is a perfect case for the 180 ...you will need to protect your emotional health while your wife has this OM influence.


Stop sharing your wife!
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post #65 of 117 (permalink) Old 12-23-2013, 07:35 PM
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Re: Wife doesn't want to try anymore.

Make no mistake, your old lady is running away from this marriage, not running towards a healthy relationship.

It sucks she can't see thru the fog that this is all a fantasy and will risk her family for the same crap she has dealt with but with a different guy... and this guy cheats so your old lady can't even see this and the fog has your old lady sucked in.

Sometime you just have to laugh and send your wife.....you just have to "just let them go" !

Sometimes she just won't get it until she gets a taste of her new reality so I suggest you do what you can to be confident in letting her go, help her pack, and seperate your money.

Sometimes having her served divorced papers can inche her away from the affair fog...you can always withdraw the filing if she shows true remorse down the road.

Last edited by the guy; 12-23-2013 at 07:40 PM.
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post #66 of 117 (permalink) Old 12-23-2013, 07:58 PM
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Re: Wife doesn't want to try anymore.

OP,

I would recommend that you ask the mods to move this thread to the Coping with Infidelity subforum.

You're getting some spattered good advice from guys who have gone through the fire and come out the other side, forged anew.

But you are also getting some bad recommendations by some members who really do not understand infidelity. Trickle-truth. Blameshifting. The affair fog. Re-writing of the marital history.

You can contact the mods by clicking on the exclamation point icon in the corner of your post.

"A healthy choice to enforce boundaries by walking away from a dysfunctional relationship has more to do with recognizing the likeliest outcomes than with wanting to punish or retaliate against one's wayward spouse."

-TAM member Moxy
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post #67 of 117 (permalink) Old 12-23-2013, 08:08 PM
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Re: Wife doesn't want to try anymore.

This is really weird. Was a post deleted? No, I am not being funny.

He said he didn't do enough public displays of affection, all of a sudden he is the worst, neglectful, non-affectionate husband ever who only wants his wife for sex.

Where did that come from? Is it because he apologized and capitulated to her assessment?
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post #68 of 117 (permalink) Old 12-23-2013, 08:15 PM
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Re: Wife doesn't want to try anymore.

OP, AnonPink is a good poster and it never hurts to hear a variety of view points. The general TAM consensus is that infidelity is the most destructive act that can destroy a marriage. Therefore, straightening out the WS is the number one priority to put the marriage into a salvageable situation. Think of stopping the affair as putting out the fire or plugging leak.

In MC you could go over what problems your marriage had and what needs to be fixed.

The most important thing is to respect yourself. Show restraint. The betrayed spouse does not become a holy saint and cheater an unredeemable sinner. Real life is more complex. By being weak you will not attract your wife or bring out the best in her.
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post #69 of 117 (permalink) Old 12-23-2013, 08:23 PM
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Re: Wife doesn't want to try anymore.

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Originally Posted by Anon Pink View Post

And it's NOT hard to compete with new. Not At ALL!!!!!! I've been married for 29 years and I gotta say if I NEVER stepped out after 29 years of essentially being ignored, never and I do mean NEVER getting a compliment, no affection unless I start it off, there are tons of women who also won't go down that road.

Being flirty is NOT the same as stepping out. A passing friendship is NOT an EA. You guys are more hysterical than women are purported to be, sheeshe!
There are also tons of women (and men)who do. To infer otherwise displays an unwillingness to see reality as it is.

And we haven't even talked about the disordered folks.

The idea here is to help the OP repair his marriage. This is not possible if his WW is deep into an EA. Any good counselor will tell you this.

So step #1 = kill the affair.

Edit: Looks like Longwalk basically said the same thing

"A healthy choice to enforce boundaries by walking away from a dysfunctional relationship has more to do with recognizing the likeliest outcomes than with wanting to punish or retaliate against one's wayward spouse."

-TAM member Moxy
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post #70 of 117 (permalink) Old 12-23-2013, 08:41 PM
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Re: Wife doesn't want to try anymore.

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Originally Posted by Anon Pink View Post

And it's NOT hard to compete with new. Not At ALL!!!!!! I've been married for 29 years and I gotta say if I NEVER stepped out after 29 years of essentially being ignored, never and I do mean NEVER getting a compliment, no affection unless I start it off, there are tons of women who also won't go down that road.
This is the OP's thread and there is NOTHING in any of his post that detail this level of apathy. He said he feels uncomfortable with public displays of affection. Lo and behold, there is another man in the picture that magnifies all of his foibles. SO lavk of PDAs becomes "emotionally distant." We have no clue how affectionate he was around family, in private or in other areas.

OOPS, I am Mr. Redundant.

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post #71 of 117 (permalink) Old 12-23-2013, 09:36 PM
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Re: Wife doesn't want to try anymore.

If he admits to being uncomfortable with PDA, in my book that means little to no affection unless they are alone, which probably only happens in bed, which translates (to a woman) "you only touch me when you want sex." Which means, No Affection! It's not a leap but a logical conclusion.

Secondly, most of the people I know who are not affectionate, are also those who lack the ability to show affection with words too. They don't look at their partners and wink; they don't say cute things like "you're adorable" or you "look sexy." Show me a man who isn't affectionate and I'll bet my house he also doesn't say complimentary affectionate things either.

A man who doesn't compliment and isn't affectionate IS emotionally distant!
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post #72 of 117 (permalink) Old 12-24-2013, 12:37 PM
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Re: Wife doesn't want to try anymore.

I'm coming here late. Before I put in my two cents on this situation, I want to say that IMO, women typically leave marriages because they are fed up...not because they have been having an affair. I know this will receive push back because by nature, this website is chock full of BS. But from what I've seen (and because of my own womanly knowledge), men will only initiate leaving if there is already a willing replacement waiting for him. Women will put up with a lot of crap before they walk away, and they are often willing to do it without another man waiting in the wings. In fact, I know several WAW who have never wanted to marry again...and haven't! And no, they're not gay.

A lot of the debate on here as far as PDA shows just how different men and women are. Women want/need/crave/require emotional affection. Whether it's a verbal "I love you" or hand holding, hugs or even a slap on the butt and wink. They need to know you care for them...beyond simply their use as a sex toy. Men KNOW they love their women and don't understand why they have to be so dang demonstrative. Don't try to understand. Just freaking do it! I promise you will get laid a lot more!

As far as OP here, I guess I would want to know the timeline. When did the wife start going to the gym and when did she start pulling away. Was she pulling away already when she met the "friend" or did it start after she started getting attention from Mr. Steroid? It's important to know whether she's a WAW or a cheating &*%$. Basically, is she running TO someone or running FROM you?

Either way, if there is a desire for R, she needs to change gyms, go NC with the man and if you can find out who his wife is, tell her so she can know what's up.
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post #73 of 117 (permalink) Old 12-24-2013, 02:52 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by yeah_right View Post
I'm coming here late. Before I put in my two cents on this situation, I want to say that IMO, women typically leave marriages because they are fed up...not because they have been having an affair. I know this will receive push back because by nature, this website is chock full of BS. But from what I've seen (and because of my own womanly knowledge), men will only initiate leaving if there is already a willing replacement waiting for him. Women will put up with a lot of crap before they walk away, and they are often willing to do it without another man waiting in the wings. In fact, I know several WAW who have never wanted to marry again...and haven't! And no, they're not gay.

A lot of the debate on here as far as PDA shows just how different men and women are. Women want/need/crave/require emotional affection. Whether it's a verbal "I love you" or hand holding, hugs or even a slap on the butt and wink. They need to know you care for them...beyond simply their use as a sex toy. Men KNOW they love their women and don't understand why they have to be so dang demonstrative. Don't try to understand. Just freaking do it! I promise you will get laid a lot more!

As far as OP here, I guess I would want to know the timeline. When did the wife start going to the gym and when did she start pulling away. Was she pulling away already when she met the "friend" or did it start after she started getting attention from Mr. Steroid? It's important to know whether she's a WAW or a cheating &*%$. Basically, is she running TO someone or running FROM you?

Either way, if there is a desire for R, she needs to change gyms, go NC with the man and if you can find out who his wife is, tell her so she can know what's up.
Well said. Too bad most of the men will blow off what you've said because they don't want to hear it.
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post #74 of 117 (permalink) Old 12-24-2013, 03:37 PM
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Re: Wife doesn't want to try anymore.

Ok.
Happy Holidays
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post #75 of 117 (permalink) Old 12-24-2013, 03:47 PM
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Re: Wife doesn't want to try anymore.

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Originally Posted by lifeistooshort View Post
Well said. Too bad most of the men will blow off what you've said because they don't want to hear it.
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/sigh... that is helpful how? I agree with her.

I'm sorry a man hurt you. I've been betrayed more than once by women, but I am not on here bashing all of them with all-or-nothing stereotypes.

Try to be a little more constructive, please. This man is here because he wants our help. He has admitted to his faults in the marriage. THERE IS NO JUSTIFIABLE EXCUSE FOR A SO TO CHEAT. Period. Men OR women. If she had a problem with his lack of affection, there were many other ways to go about correcting it without resorting to damaging herself and those around her. If none of that worked, she could always just leave.

OP - you've been given good advice. I hope everything works out for you. Regardless, keep working on yourself so that you don't find yourself here again.
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