just an update. We are talking about reconciliation tomorrow night. She informed me that his wife found out he was talking to my wife and flipped. She claims they are no longer talking. He is also leaving to another state this week for some military duty.i feel like he cut it off. i told her i wish he hadnt because I wanted to see if she would cut it off. So if she decides tomorrow she doesnt want to R, then im doing a 180. im going to tell her she needs to leave friday thru monday morning to her parents and ill by at mine the other times til the house sells. I will not talk to her unless its about the kids, no texting back or anything. she can leave a message on my phone if its important. She will be mad at first and call me immature, i know it.
I already know she isnt going to want to R, shes checked out and still has feelings for this guy even if they arent talking. She is looking for greener grass, even with some one else.
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Yeah, this is a tough spot, 71bgol. Even if she does want R you can't be sure you're not just getting called up off the Plan B bench temporarily. You need to get back on the 'pull' end of the 'push-pull'.
I'm not saying it is impossible, because it isn't, but she will have to put in a lot of work to overcome the broken trust issue - and you already know what you need to work on. You also know you need to do that work regardless.
I think you need to cancel the meeting and start with 180 and NC now. At this point, you have 0 respect. You will not 'nice' her back. At best you are someone she will endure temporarily to avoid being alone. Are you okay with that?
If you go through with the meeting, hold her hand (if she allows you to) and explain that YOU are letting HER go. That you know you contributed to, and own, your share of the dissolution of the marriage, that you DO love her - but you are no one's Plan B. Then go full 180 and NC. Be a man she can respect.
If she wants R, she will have to do the heavy lifting - at first, anyway. She is the one that broke your vows. Do not get swept up into a false R through tears and pity! The status quo isn't working. If you BOTH want R you will need to prove
to each other that both of you have changed. You will both need IC, MC, and total transparency. It is not easy. It will remain not easy for the foreseeable future.
It is a tough spot to be in, brother. I'm sorry.