Wife doesn't want to try anymore. - Page 6 - Talk About Marriage
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post #76 of 117 (permalink) Old 12-25-2013, 02:01 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife doesn't want to try anymore.

just an update. We are talking about reconciliation tomorrow night. She informed me that his wife found out he was talking to my wife and flipped. She claims they are no longer talking. He is also leaving to another state this week for some military duty.i feel like he cut it off. i told her i wish he hadnt because I wanted to see if she would cut it off. So if she decides tomorrow she doesnt want to R, then im doing a 180. im going to tell her she needs to leave friday thru monday morning to her parents and ill by at mine the other times til the house sells. I will not talk to her unless its about the kids, no texting back or anything. she can leave a message on my phone if its important. She will be mad at first and call me immature, i know it.

I already know she isnt going to want to R, shes checked out and still has feelings for this guy even if they arent talking. She is looking for greener grass, even with some one else.
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post #77 of 117 (permalink) Old 12-25-2013, 06:01 AM
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Re: Wife doesn't want to try anymore.

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Originally Posted by 71bgol View Post
just an update. We are talking about reconciliation tomorrow night. She informed me that his wife found out he was talking to my wife and flipped. She claims they are no longer talking. He is also leaving to another state this week for some military duty.i feel like he cut it off. i told her i wish he hadnt because I wanted to see if she would cut it off. So if she decides tomorrow she doesnt want to R, then im doing a 180. im going to tell her she needs to leave friday thru monday morning to her parents and ill by at mine the other times til the house sells. I will not talk to her unless its about the kids, no texting back or anything. she can leave a message on my phone if its important. She will be mad at first and call me immature, i know it.

I already know she isnt going to want to R, shes checked out and still has feelings for this guy even if they arent talking. She is looking for greener grass, even with some one else.
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Yeah, this is a tough spot, 71bgol. Even if she does want R you can't be sure you're not just getting called up off the Plan B bench temporarily. You need to get back on the 'pull' end of the 'push-pull'.

I'm not saying it is impossible, because it isn't, but she will have to put in a lot of work to overcome the broken trust issue - and you already know what you need to work on. You also know you need to do that work regardless.

I think you need to cancel the meeting and start with 180 and NC now. At this point, you have 0 respect. You will not 'nice' her back. At best you are someone she will endure temporarily to avoid being alone. Are you okay with that?

If you go through with the meeting, hold her hand (if she allows you to) and explain that YOU are letting HER go. That you know you contributed to, and own, your share of the dissolution of the marriage, that you DO love her - but you are no one's Plan B. Then go full 180 and NC. Be a man she can respect.

If she wants R, she will have to do the heavy lifting - at first, anyway. She is the one that broke your vows. Do not get swept up into a false R through tears and pity! The status quo isn't working. If you BOTH want R you will need to prove to each other that both of you have changed. You will both need IC, MC, and total transparency. It is not easy. It will remain not easy for the foreseeable future.

It is a tough spot to be in, brother. I'm sorry.
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post #78 of 117 (permalink) Old 12-25-2013, 06:05 AM
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Re: Wife doesn't want to try anymore.

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Yeah, this is a tough spot, 71bgol. Even if she does want R you can't be sure you're not just getting called up off the Plan B bench temporarily. You need to get back on the 'pull' end of the 'push-pull'.

I'm not saying it is impossible, because it isn't, but she will have to put in a lot of work to overcome the broken trust issue - and you already know what you need to work on. You also know you need to do that work regardless.

I think you need to cancel the meeting and start with 180 and NC now. At this point, you have 0 respect. You will not 'nice' her back. At best you are someone she will endure temporarily to avoid being alone. Are you okay with that?

If you go through with the meeting, hold her hand (if she allows you to) and explain that YOU are letting HER go. That you know you contributed to, and own, your share of the dissolution of the marriage, that you DO love her - but you are no one's Plan B. Then go full 180 and NC. Be a man she can respect.

If she wants R, she will have to do the heavy lifting - at first, anyway. She is the one that broke your vows. Do not get swept up into a false R through tears and pity! The status quo isn't working. If you BOTH want R you will need to prove to each other that both of you have changed. You will both need IC, MC, and total transparency. It is not easy. It will remain not easy for the foreseeable future.

It is a tough spot to be in, brother. I'm sorry.

This^^^ plus how can you take her at her word.
Unless you hear this from his wife, can you really believe her without confirming?
I couldn't.
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post #79 of 117 (permalink) Old 12-25-2013, 10:00 AM
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Re: Wife doesn't want to try anymore.

I'm going to have to agree with the others. I think you need to go full 180 and move forward with divorce (you can always cancel it later). Tell the family that it's because she would like to pursue romance with a married guy at her gym. But also admit that you could have been a more loving husband.

I don't know if this can be salvaged. But I've heard of worse problems that have been repaired. Whatever the outcome is, you both have issues to work on to be used in your current marriage or your next one.

Good luck and try to have a Merry Christmas!
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post #80 of 117 (permalink) Old 12-25-2013, 12:43 PM
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Re: Wife doesn't want to try anymore.

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No, but she guards her phone now. Ive also thought that maybe there was more to the gym guy. I have to decide weither to believe her ornot. I asked her if she was still working out with him. she said yes and they actually talk a lot about our marriage. She claims that he tells her that she shouldnt leave me unless she is 100 percent sure she wants out, and that she doesnt seem sure. Appearently hes been through a divorce. Then again hes part of the reason she wants to seperate, cause some guy at the gym has better communication then her husband does with her.
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the trickle trut and gas lighting part of the affair...
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post #81 of 117 (permalink) Old 12-25-2013, 12:44 PM
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Re: Wife doesn't want to try anymore.

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The truth comes out! She finally admitted she has feelings for this guy. She wanted to be honest with me but she was scared id blow it up and tell everyone she was a *****. The guy is married. They decided today that the werent gonna talk anymore. She says she feels guilty about possibley having feelings for someone else. I told her I understand our marriage hasn't been the best and I havent been the best husband, but its still wrong and hurtful that she opened herself up. I told her that im no longer going to be the only one trying to saveour marriage. She has until tomorrow night when I get off work to decide if she wants to try and save our family. If I get a no or a wishy wash asnwer I'm filing asap. Im not gonna try at all unless I feel like shes 100% comitted. Even then Im not sure, I might just tell her no, I dont know if I can trust her again.
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D-day and the BS is in denial about the PA.

OM is married, huh? She actively lied about it..
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post #82 of 117 (permalink) Old 12-25-2013, 12:52 PM
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Re: Wife doesn't want to try anymore.

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just an update. We are talking about reconciliation tomorrow night. She informed me that his wife found out he was talking to my wife and flipped. She claims they are no longer talking. He is also leaving to another state this week for some military duty.i feel like he cut it off. i told her i wish he hadnt because I wanted to see if she would cut it off. So if she decides tomorrow she doesnt want to R, then im doing a 180. im going to tell her she needs to leave friday thru monday morning to her parents and ill by at mine the other times til the house sells. I will not talk to her unless its about the kids, no texting back or anything. she can leave a message on my phone if its important. She will be mad at first and call me immature, i know it.

I already know she isnt going to want to R, shes checked out and still has feelings for this guy even if they arent talking. She is looking for greener grass, even with some one else.
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You realize they were having sex, don't you?


Your wife's affair is following the "Cheater's script" to the tee. Google it.

Go read some popular threads on here and CWI section. Affairs like your wife's follow a general pattern. So does the reaction betrayed spouses like you. If you can notice and learn of these patterns, you can make the best case scenario for both of you
She will probably get dumped and she will beg to come back once she loses her options.

And one major thing you need to do. Talk to this guy's wife in person. You wife could have lied to you to prevent you from talking to his wife. People in affairs act very deceitfully. And there is a word for that too. Affair fog. I don't have the type all that out but read the stick threads on the "Coping with infidelity" section
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post #83 of 117 (permalink) Old 12-26-2013, 06:47 AM
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Re: Wife doesn't want to try anymore.

Quote:
Originally Posted by 71bgol View Post
just an update. We are talking about reconciliation tomorrow night. She informed me that his wife found out he was talking to my wife and flipped. She claims they are no longer talking. He is also leaving to another state this week for some military duty.i feel like he cut it off. i told her i wish he hadnt because I wanted to see if she would cut it off. So if she decides tomorrow she doesnt want to R, then im doing a 180. im going to tell her she needs to leave friday thru monday morning to her parents and ill by at mine the other times til the house sells. I will not talk to her unless its about the kids, no texting back or anything. she can leave a message on my phone if its important. She will be mad at first and call me immature, i know it.

I already know she isnt going to want to R, shes checked out and still has feelings for this guy even if they arent talking. She is looking for greener grass, even with some one else.
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What if she refuses to go to her parents? Have you thought that through? Giving her the silent treatment for a few days is, quite frankly, immature.

If she goes to live with her parents, you're basically giving her a license to continue her affair without any interference.

Bgol,

The very best move you can make for yourself, even though it may feel counter-intuitive, is to file for D. This will "shock" her back to reality.

D takes a long time, especially in some States. If she decides she wants to R, then you can always call off the D.

Track down OM's wife and talk to her. Don't contact her via email/text, because OM could intercept communications. Compare stories. As many of us suspect, this was more than an EA. Get the facts.

"A healthy choice to enforce boundaries by walking away from a dysfunctional relationship has more to do with recognizing the likeliest outcomes than with wanting to punish or retaliate against one's wayward spouse."

-TAM member Moxy
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post #84 of 117 (permalink) Old 12-26-2013, 07:01 AM
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Umm.... yeah. HELLO! SHE IS LYING.

I kid you not I just went through this and made every mistake possible. First, I was also told the OMW knew. NOT TRUE. When I called her she knew nothing like my wife kept telling me.

A. You are being cheated on and lied to
B. STOP immediately talking to your wife about this. Because she is gaming and gaslighting you. She will tell you what you need to hear just to keep you on board. But reality is there are so many lies you cant see right now. Mine went on for a YEAR. She never felt bad or cared about me enough to stop.
C. TAKE control. Start gaslighting her, immediately. Dont let her know you are on TAM or onto her lies. Hire an attorney. Talk to the OM wife and fill her in. Do NOT let your wife know you are doing these things.
E. When you have your ducks in a row and do the exposure, prepare for war. Initiate the 180 hardcore immediately. Do not get angry ever, or at least let her see it. Start moving on immediately
F. Watch what she does. Get your own mind right and dont feel bad because this is war and she doesnt even care about you at all right now. If she comes back later and wants to R then hold strong. Make her do all the work, do not bend. Mine tried to R but then really just kept lying. Do not fall for that move. Hold strong. You are the man, be the man.

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post #85 of 117 (permalink) Old 12-26-2013, 07:05 AM
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You are no one's Plan B. Wish her well and tell her YOU are moving on. Show yourself respect and you might get some in return. I am serious, you might still have time to right this ship but you need to act now! Read the posts here, listen to ppl who have gone down this road. Good luck

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post #86 of 117 (permalink) Old 12-26-2013, 02:29 PM
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Re: Wife doesn't want to try anymore.

cbnero is 100% correct. You are being held emotionally hostage. You need to take control. Also, you need to ask yourself...do you want her back? She is getting ploughed by the gym dude for sure. If it was me I'd say "see you later baby".

If you do want her still. It's time for the 180 big time. You need to get control here and dictate what direction this BS is going.
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post #87 of 117 (permalink) Old 12-26-2013, 06:46 PM
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Re: Wife doesn't want to try anymore.

Wasn't this the issue to begin with? Why are you
Letting her call the shots? You need to tell her
How it's going to go. Women need a mAn
To take charge. Yes some women need to be
In charge but most specially in the bedroom
We want to know our men take what they want.
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post #88 of 117 (permalink) Old 12-26-2013, 08:05 PM
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Re: Wife doesn't want to try anymore.

Speak for yourself. If my hb "told me" how it was going to be I'd laugh in his face. When he comes to me with a strong opinion about what he thinks I respect that because we are partners.
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post #89 of 117 (permalink) Old 12-26-2013, 08:11 PM
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She is not his partner anymore. The beauty of being alone is you are free to do as you like. In fact, you should do what you want WITHOUT talking or emailing her to fill her in. Because you do not care anymore! Dump her mind game. Put yourself first. Don't think about her at all, she does not give a crap about you.

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post #90 of 117 (permalink) Old 12-26-2013, 08:12 PM
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Re: Wife doesn't want to try anymore.

You have a hb? I do believe you miss took what
I said and I don't believe I was talking to you
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