Wife doesn't want to try anymore. - Page 7 - Talk About Marriage
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post #91 of 117 (permalink) Old 12-26-2013, 08:14 PM
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And stop loving in fear of her!!!! It took TAMers to help me see that fear in myself.

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post #92 of 117 (permalink) Old 12-26-2013, 09:44 PM
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Hey then I apologize. Wasnt meant as a personal attack. At all. Just that he doesn't need to consider how his cheating spouse will feel. But yes if you love your wife and want to be married then I agree with you. Sorry to offend

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post #93 of 117 (permalink) Old 12-31-2013, 02:05 PM
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Re: Wife doesn't want to try anymore.

If you're going to work on the marriage, you may want to take a "Love Languages" test - to find our your own temperment, but especially to have your wife take the test and let you know how she scored. There are five common "languages" that people use to receive from and speak love to others (•Quality Time •Words of Affirmation •Physical Touch •Acts of Service •Receiving Gifts.) If you wife's primary language is touch and affirming words... she would not feel very loved by you if you were communicating your love to her in one or two of these other languages, would she? You may be uncomfortable doing it, but that's no excuse, especially if you could bring yourself to be more physically loving when you were dating... shouldn't this be an area that you get better at over time, not worse? You may be giving her gifts and feeling you're going out of your way to love her, but you may not be speaking her language. There's a free temperment test you can take here: What's Your Love Language? - Boundless - Online Community - Focus on the Family Community and you can send it to your wife to ask her to take it as well. She'll appreciate the gesture that you're wanting to know her language too, probably. Good luck to you!
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post #94 of 117 (permalink) Old 01-03-2014, 06:45 PM
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Re: Wife doesn't want to try anymore.

Listen my man, take it from me because I've been through this. Regardless of what your wife is saying now, she needs to LEARN A LESSON through all of this. That lesson being that you are a man and you are worthy of and deserve nothing but respect. That can only be communicated to her if you RESPECT YOURSELF.

If you actually respected yourself, you would walk away form this marriage right now and take some time away in order to clear your head, and, from a clear headed position, you can THEN decide whether or not SHE DESERVES to be married to you.

She messed up, if she does not face ANY CONSEQUENCES then she will not learn from this mistake and she WILL NOT RESPECT you ever again.

Do the 180 for at least a few weeks. Think long and hard about this marriage. She should be BEGGING to come bakc to you. If this doesn't happen, you are only delaying the inevitable which is the loss of respect for you and and your marriage and the eventual cheating and/or divorce.
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post #95 of 117 (permalink) Old 01-13-2014, 11:14 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife doesn't want to try anymore.

Update. I think ive done just about everything wrong. I thought maybe doing the 180 with as little as contact as possible would be a good thing. She texts me saying "I feel like your trying to ignore me, this is just going to make it easier for me to move on. I thought you wanted to do everything you could to work on things. I just need time to think, but you ignoring me isnt going to help."

So then I just got all confused on what to do. We are living apart now. She is at her parents friday night thru monday morning. Im at my parents the rest of the time. We still talk and text each other. She still doesnt know if she wants to work on things. Every question I ask her is "I dont know."
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post #96 of 117 (permalink) Old 01-13-2014, 11:58 PM
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Re: Wife doesn't want to try anymore.

She's dangling a carrot to see if you still bite...don't buy it. Keep on the 180.
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post #97 of 117 (permalink) Old 01-14-2014, 12:46 AM
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She's dangling a carrot to see if you still bite...don't buy it. Keep on the 180.
Exactly!!!!
Those are words of manipulation!!!! Remember, she has already "moved on" !!! The 180 is for you.... To heal..... To see clearly..... To make healthy decisions...to not get confused when she tries to manipulate you with words!!!! What about her actions? Yup! That's what I thought. Carry on with the 180. You'll be fine!!
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post #98 of 117 (permalink) Old 01-14-2014, 11:15 AM
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Exactly!!!!
Those are words of manipulation!!!! Remember, she has already "moved on" !!! The 180 is for you.... To heal..... To see clearly..... To make healthy decisions...to not get confused when she tries to manipulate you with words!!!! What about her actions? Yup! That's what I thought. Carry on with the 180. You'll be fine!!
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I agree. You lost her and she is playing games. Work on yourself. Seek professional counseling for yourself.
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post #99 of 117 (permalink) Old 01-18-2014, 11:10 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife doesn't want to try anymore.

need some advice we are talking for the final time tomorrow. If she is at all wishy washy about trying, im telling her im moving on, and not to talk to me unless its about the kids, and im going to file. This has gone on long enough.

Right now we are separated, but still communicate. Im living at the house friday night throught monday morning with the kids. Then shes at the house monday night through friday morning with the kids. Should I be nice and let this go on til we sell the house. Or should I make her go live with her parents full time. Im just worrying about the kids. She is going to want the kids during the week, and I dont want to make them stay at her parents. Part of me feels like if she wants to do this then she should be the one gone the whole time.... confused.
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post #100 of 117 (permalink) Old 01-24-2014, 04:04 PM
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Re: Wife doesn't want to try anymore.

she is messing with you. if she wanted to reconcile then she would. take the bull by the horns and walk away now while you still have som semblence of self-respect remaining..

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post #101 of 117 (permalink) Old 01-24-2014, 09:00 PM
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Re: Wife doesn't want to try anymore.

Is her affair over? Have you verified that the OM's wife knows?

Sounds to me like she's cake eating!!!

She's gonna give you wishy washy....give her separation papers!!
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post #102 of 117 (permalink) Old 01-25-2014, 02:03 AM
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Re: Wife doesn't want to try anymore.

How's it going 71, how about an update? Is the tough guy, "teach her a lesson" approach advised here doing the trick?

Here's the thing. It took your W a while to get fed up and step out. It will also take her a while to believe things will be different before she gives YOU another chance. Yep, I said gives you another chance. She's the one who gave up on you, remember?

You demanding stuff or attempting to "shock her" is not likely to get her back. You really don't have as much bargaining power right now as the posters here are leading you to believe.

Especially if she's is in deep with this guy. If she's not impressed with you, (and why would she be if you haven't shown any change for the better?) then issuing demands will only push her to OM, WHO IS MEETING HER NEEDS.

These posters are not helping you save your M, they're pushing you to end it. But hey! At least you'll get to say you were the tough guy and didn't take no sh!t!

D takes a while, so you still have time to fix this. Work on you. Be confident and strong, but loving. Be everything you know she wants. Be the H any W would be a fool to leave.

Then, even if the M doesn't work out, you'll be a better person, instead of the same person... only bitter.
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post #103 of 117 (permalink) Old 01-25-2014, 03:43 AM
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Re: Wife doesn't want to try anymore.

Quote:
need some advice we are talking for the final time tomorrow. If she is at all wishy washy about trying, im telling her im moving on, and not to talk to me unless its about the kids, and im going to file. This has gone on long enough.
Who said it was the final time?

She needs to make the effort to communicate with you if she wants to save your marriage.

Was she cheating? Did she give you the ILYBINILWY speech? She did not even say she cared about you, did she?
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post #104 of 117 (permalink) Old 01-25-2014, 06:05 AM
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How's it going 71, how about an update? Is the tough guy, "teach her a lesson" approach advised here doing the trick?

Here's the thing. It took your W a while to get fed up and step out. It will also take her a while to believe things will be different before she gives YOU another chance. Yep, I said gives you another chance. She's the one who gave up on you, remember?

You demanding stuff or attempting to "shock her" is not likely to get her back. You really don't have as much bargaining power right now as the posters here are leading you to believe.

Especially if she's is in deep with this guy. If she's not impressed with you, (and why would she be if you haven't shown any change for the better?) then issuing demands will only push her to OM, WHO IS MEETING HER NEEDS.

These posters are not helping you save your M, they're pushing you to end it. But hey! At least you'll get to say you were the tough guy and didn't take no sh!t!

D takes a while, so you still have time to fix this. Work on you. Be confident and strong, but loving. Be everything you know she wants. Be the H any W would be a fool to leave.

Then, even if the M doesn't work out, you'll be a better person, instead of the same person... only bitter.
That sounds like great advice. You know, thats what I did for a whole year. And you know what else?

My stbx lost ALL respect for me. She lied and cheated the whole year. She had hidden bank accounts. Gaslit me so bad I may never recover. Got more and more angry as time went on, wven though I never so much as verbally attacked her for what she did. She just kept gettong nastier and nastier trying to trigger me so she could have an excuse to leave.

And then she did leave. And left me a broken shell of a human being.

So your advice sounds great but you know what - if they are going to leave they will leave regardless of what you or anyone else does.

The 180 "tough guy" stuff isnt to have mental impact on the wayward spouse nearly as much as it exists to help build up the strength of the betrayed spouse.

Which is who we are concerned about here.

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post #105 of 117 (permalink) Old 01-28-2014, 09:06 AM
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Re: Wife doesn't want to try anymore.

Reading this thread is quite disheartening in general. Especially the comments to the effect of "You need to teach her a lesson." Enforcing boundaries is not about you punishing someone else, it is about taking care of _yourself_. Doing the 180 is about saying "I find myself more important that someone else." It can break co-dependency. It is meant for you to own your own ****, and help lead you to being self-secure in sticking up for yourself.

It is not about striking out, it is not about making someone else pay. It is about being strong enough to enforce that those you interact with interact with you in ways you deem acceptable. And when they don't, you speak up. You do not allow what you find unacceptable.

You are filing for divorce because you are saying "I do not find this situation to be acceptable, I need X, Y, Z." Do not file for divorce saying "I'm going to teach you a lesson." The first one is assertive and strong, the second one is from a position of weakness.
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