Wife doesn't want to try anymore. - Page 8 - Talk About Marriage
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post #106 of 117 (permalink) Old 01-28-2014, 09:15 AM
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Agreed. The 180 got me through it and on the road to recovery. I have not been mean or rude to my stbxw, only disconnected.

And she is still filled with hate, blame shifting, etc... triggers abound.

Stand up for yourself for you. Take action, but do not sink to your wayward spouse's level.

Do this and if she comes back later and wants to R you will be able to make good decisions without getting steamrolled by your own emotions.

180. Immediately.

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post #107 of 117 (permalink) Old 01-28-2014, 04:09 PM
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Re: Wife doesn't want to try anymore.

You need to tell her to GTFO. She should be the one feeling remorse but instead she isn't sure. Be a Man and tell her to get out, its done.
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post #108 of 117 (permalink) Old 01-28-2014, 09:10 PM
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Re: Wife doesn't want to try anymore.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Morgiana View Post
Reading this thread is quite disheartening in general. Especially the comments to the effect of "You need to teach her a lesson."
But yet it's quite common around here. I like to remind myself that when someone hurts us, the knee jerk reaction is to want to lash out and hurt them back. So that's what many do.

Also, that it's just the nature of the internet to encourage tuff guy talk on almost any subject that elicts strong emotions.

“Teach ‘em a lesson” almost never encourages the spouse to come back, (especially women) and almost always ensures a bitter battle. No one wants either of these things of course, but that’s what they end up getting when they can’t see past their hurt feelings or ego long enough to do something more constructive. For themselves.

Only when we stop playing the victim, forgive, let go of the resentment, and start focusing on bettering ourselves, can we become happier, more attractive people. With or without our partner.

Quote:
Originally Posted by cbnero
The 180 got me through it and on the road to recovery. I have not been mean or rude to my stbxw, only disconnected.
This sounds healthy to me.

Your previous post sounded like you may be holding some regret for standing / trying / holding out hope, or whatever you want to call it, for a year. If this is the case, why is that?

I think it takes a strong man to show compassion to the one he loves, even when she's not returning that love. For me, that's Real Love. If they choose not to accept it, that's ok... their choice.

Anyone can run and throw sticks as soon as things aren't going the way they want them to be. No strength/love there.
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post #109 of 117 (permalink) Old 01-29-2014, 06:15 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AlmostYoung View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by Morgiana View Post
Reading this thread is quite disheartening in general. Especially the comments to the effect of "You need to teach her a lesson."
But yet it's quite common around here. I like to remind myself that when someone hurts us, the knee jerk reaction is to want to lash out and hurt them back. So that's what many do.

Also, that it's just the nature of the internet to encourage tuff guy talk on almost any subject that elicts strong emotions.

“Teach ‘em a lesson” almost never encourages the spouse to come back, (especially women) and almost always ensures a bitter battle. No one wants either of these things of course, but that’s what they end up getting when they can’t see past their hurt feelings or ego long enough to do something more constructive. For themselves.

Only when we stop playing the victim, forgive, let go of the resentment, and start focusing on bettering ourselves, can we become happier, more attractive people. With or without our partner.

Quote:
Originally Posted by cbnero
The 180 got me through it and on the road to recovery. I have not been mean or rude to my stbxw, only disconnected.
This sounds healthy to me.

Your previous post sounded like you may be holding some regret for standing / trying / holding out hope, or whatever you want to call it, for a year. If this is the case, why is that?

I think it takes a strong man to show compassion to the one he loves, even when she's not returning that love. For me, that's Real Love. If they choose not to accept it, that's ok... their choice.

Anyone can run and throw sticks as soon as things aren't going the way they want them to be. No strength/love there.
I do regret it in the sense that I wish I had trusted my gut and been a stronger individual during that time. Had I stood up for myself or the truth I would have saved myself a lot of pain and agony. I would have seen through the lies vs blindly trusting her.

Not returning love is one thing, but sometimes the person doesnt just leave you. Sometimes they stick around with intent to destroy you. Unless you have personally gone through it there is no understanding the pain.

Had I been stronger and "tuffer" earlier I would have recognized it and avoided it. You make it sound simple, it isnt. And any pride you felt for loving unconditionally gets buried under an avalanche of pain and despair. I am one of those people who would never have divorced, ever. Always happy, always optimistic, I never felt discontent in my marriage. I guess I never looked at it that way. That part of me is dead and long gone. Pain and hurt were my only reward. Do the 180 for yourself, sooner the better.

I dont want to hijack a thread here but thats how I feel having been through it.

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post #110 of 117 (permalink) Old 01-29-2014, 06:42 AM
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Re: Wife doesn't want to try anymore.

OP, I am sorry for what has transpired. For there to be any shot at this, the other guy has to be out of the picture and you and she need to communicate better and you should give her the affection she needs. Women who are emotionally neglected... it kills their soul.

I know because I was in a relationship like the one you describe. I told him so many times and he blew me off everytime and one day I left. Had no more fight in me or even desire to try anymore because I felt he did not take me seriously.

Quote:
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Secondly, most of the people I know who are not affectionate, are also those who lack the ability to show affection with words too. They don't look at their partners and wink; they don't say cute things like "you're adorable" or you "look sexy." Show me a man who isn't affectionate and I'll bet my house he also doesn't say complimentary affectionate things either.

A man who doesn't compliment and isn't affectionate IS emotionally distant!
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post #111 of 117 (permalink) Old 01-29-2014, 08:21 AM
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Re: Wife doesn't want to try anymore.

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Originally Posted by cbnero View Post
I do regret it in the sense that I wish I had trusted my gut and been a stronger individual during that time. Had I stood up for myself or the truth I would have saved myself a lot of pain and agony. I would have seen through the lies vs blindly trusting her.

Not returning love is one thing, but sometimes the person doesnt just leave you. Sometimes they stick around with intent to destroy you. Unless you have personally gone through it there is no understanding the pain.

Had I been stronger and "tuffer" earlier I would have recognized it and avoided it. You make it sound simple, it isnt. And any pride you felt for loving unconditionally gets buried under an avalanche of pain and despair.
Thanks for the reply cbnero.

They say hindsight is 20/20. Had you given up on her early on, you may just as well have had regrets of "What if?".

At least for me, I'd rather know I gave my spouse and M the best shot I could, left no stone unturned, and all that jazz...

We're dealing with someone we love(d) and cherish(ed) for years, and they also stood by us. They deserve our best.

The tough love ultimatum should be the last resort, not the first, only to be used when you are "Done".
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post #112 of 117 (permalink) Old 01-29-2014, 08:32 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cbnero View Post
I do regret it in the sense that I wish I had trusted my gut and been a stronger individual during that time. Had I stood up for myself or the truth I would have saved myself a lot of pain and agony. I would have seen through the lies vs blindly trusting her.

Not returning love is one thing, but sometimes the person doesnt just leave you. Sometimes they stick around with intent to destroy you. Unless you have personally gone through it there is no understanding the pain.

Had I been stronger and "tuffer" earlier I would have recognized it and avoided it. You make it sound simple, it isnt. And any pride you felt for loving unconditionally gets buried under an avalanche of pain and despair.
Thanks for the reply cbnero.

They say hindsight is 20/20. Had you given up on her early on, you may just as well have had regrets of "What if?".

At least for me, I'd rather know I gave my spouse and M the best shot I could, left no stone unturned, and all that jazz...

We're dealing with someone we love(d) and cherish(ed) for years, and they also stood by us. They deserve our best.

The tough love ultimatum should be the last resort, not the first, only to be used when you are "Done".
You are an insanely positive person. (Mean that as a compliment) I hope you never lose that quality. Cheers

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post #113 of 117 (permalink) Old 01-29-2014, 09:36 AM
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Re: Wife doesn't want to try anymore.

Haha, thanks cb. My M is in a bit of a crises right now, and I have my moments of despair. But I choose to not give up, and not to become a bitter victim in all this. Life is too short for that.

In the end, only WE decide how happy/miserable we are going to be.

This is the kind of strength I choose, and I believe it makes me more attractive.
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post #114 of 117 (permalink) Old 01-29-2014, 09:44 AM
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Haha, thanks cb. My M is in a bit of a crises right now, and I have my moments of despair. But I choose to not give up, and not to become a bitter victim in all this. Life is too short for that.

In the end, only WE decide how happy/miserable we are going to be.

This is the kind of strength I choose, and I believe it makes me more attractive.
Well you are an inspration.

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post #115 of 117 (permalink) Old 01-29-2014, 11:35 AM
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Re: Wife doesn't want to try anymore.

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I give this 90% chance that's there another man. 80% that's it's an old BF she reconnected with through Facebook.

There is hope you can turn this around, but your going to have do some digging to see if there's a third party involved first. Do not ask her, just verify on your own. Start with the phone bill, look for an unusual amount of call and texts to a certain number. Also check her social media accounts and emails.
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I feel sorry for those with depression, mental illness, hangnails, bad hair, bad childhood memories, etc. I feel sorry for the visually impaired but that doesn't mean I want a blind person flying my airplane and my compassion won't make the flight any safer.

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post #116 of 117 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 11:24 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife doesn't want to try anymore.

Fast forward three years and i am remarried. Found out yesterday my wife of just over a year was cheating on me with a woman.. fml It must be me..
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post #117 of 117 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 12:55 AM
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Re: Wife doesn't want to try anymore.

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Fast forward three years and i am remarried. Found out yesterday my wife of just over a year was cheating on me with a woman.. fml It must be me..
So sorry, start a new thread as people might not see this.
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