07-20-2010, 11:45 PM
Join Date: Apr 2010
| | Re: My husband doesnt listen to me or care about me
You have a lot going on. I'm really glad that you're asking for help and looking for ways to repair your marriage and change the pattern the two of you are caught in.
You're obviously quite important to each other and can easily trigger insecurity in each other - because you are important and all this is new. It's natural that you'd both be feeling insecure about yourself in these new roles and if you're really making it with your partner.
And, you each have a different way of responding to the insecurity - or relationship threat - not knowing how to pull together.
A really important thing is for you to figure out ways to pull your husband close when you're afraid he doesn't care or when you're feeling alone, unimportant and need comfort. If he's a normal guy at all, it's very important for him to be making it with you, he's going to want you to be happy with him and his efforts.
It sounds like the ways you've been trying to get through to him ends up shutting him down, pushing him away and then finally results in him pushing you away emotionally.
The first step is to really try to figure out the pattern, when you aren't caught in it. Between the fights. Then you'll have more power to change the pattern.
It sounds like you get caught in trying to get through to him and he experiences it as instructing him or perhaps being talked down to, or correcting him and then he responds with in defensiveness. So, you criticize, he defends and you try harder to get through the defense, he defends more - finally attacking back and that shuts you down but you threaten to leave in a final protest.
An important piece of information about the pattern is to know what the more vulnerable feelings are that create the trigger. Sounds like you feel left out, unattended to, alone and hurt when those tender feelings get bumped into they turn into the questions or criticism.
The other part is to ask him (again not when you're in a fight), and really listen, how he feels when you are triggered - what's it like for him when you're unhappy, feeling alone or uncared for (and you get triggered). He might not want to open up right away because he may not be sure you'll really want to listen without taking on your old position that you're not cared about. In this way you can practice being emotionally present and rebuild the trust and friendship part of your marriage.
The ironic thing is, if he really didn't care, he wouldn't need to defend himself against what he experiences as your criticism or you seeing him as not enough or not a 'grown man.'
Those are just some ideas to start. Try those things and see what happens.
You'll also benefit from a couple of posts on my blog, How to Share Hurt Feelings and Send a Clear Signal To Repair.
In love and service,