Should I give him another chance?

LeighN · 08-04-2010, 01:43 PM

My husband and I have been together for 3 years, and lived together for 2 of those. We've only been married for the last year. We've only had problems for the last year.

He just doesn't treat me well anymore. At worst he's angry and explosive about things that are not my fault; at best, he's ambivalent. Sex has gone from almost every day to less than once every two weeks, and the fun is totally gone. I have tried everything to put spice back in on that side. A kinky costume worked one night, but I can't buy a new costume every week, and we went straight back to what my friend calls "duty-booty."

And worse than that, he's just mean to me. He will say the nastiest things with the intention of hurting me. This Saturday was the straw that broke my heart when he promised to help a friend set up for her husband's birthday with me, then shouted at me when I asked if he was ready to go, even though he had told me and my friend he was happy to help and he'd be there. He said he didn't think he had to go right away, and half of my hurt was the lie (he was just being lazy and he did know, which he since admitted) and the other half hurt because I only asked a simple question and got shouted at in return.

Then the rest of the night was awful. He said he'd be 20 minutes after me, then didn't show up until 2 hours later, after the party had already started. He was supposed to be the designated driver, but he was 4 beers in when I realized he was there. Still, I squeezed his hand to show I didn't want to fight and said, "I love you, we'll talk about this tomorrow" with a smile, but he was nowhere near me all night. He told another good friend something that caused a rift between us, then lied to me about it (the guy next to him said, "Um, actually you said exactly that.") then got ridiculously wasted and told me I was the only part of living in Florida he doesn't like, with such a cruel tone it made me burst into tears, and he smiled with triumph when he saw he hurt me.

The next day he was ashamed of his actions... like he always is. This was by no means the worst of our days, and certainly not the worst thing he said, but really was the last straw. He never tries to make me laugh or plays around with me. He never holds my hand or kisses me. I have to fight for his attention with his computer. He even got so mad once that he shoved me so hard it bruised me, and this was in response to an affectionate gesture on my part that he didn't want. And while telling me I'm the only not nice part of Florida doesn't seem bad, he said it because he knew it is the one thing I've been worried about - that he will be happy here in Florida (we moved 3 months ago, but he's been unkind to me for longer).

Yet on the other hand, he tells me how thankful he is that I have been so supportive and that I do so much for him. He tells me that I am even better to him now that we're married than when I was dating, which is true, I think. I'm just more dedicated, I think, because he's my husband... but his response to that has been to take that kindness for granted and return it with meanness.

Saturday morning I told him to get out, and I meant it. He started to pack up, but had to do laundry first (put the sheets he puked all over the night before in the wash). And while at first I just ignored him, eventually he got me to tell him what he did, because he knows if I start talking to him that I'll eventually forgive him. Stupidly, I did. I let him stay. But that night when he tried to have "make-up sex" it just felt gross, because he was apologizing and making the same promises (verbatim), as all the other times, and crying like he always does at the thought of losing me.

He works in a different city and I've never been so glad to see him leave. I am disgusted with him and don't want to see him again. He is begging me for another chance, and is promising (again) that he won't be so "selfish" and not be a liar and treat me well again. He says he won't be the "bad me" but will be the "old me" again. I've heard this before. I've been as sad about how he's treating me, but I've never been so angry, and usually I drive there on Wednesday night but I have no desire to do that tonight.

What I don't know about is if I should give him another chance. If I should let him come home on Friday or just tell him to stay away. I don't know if seeing me say, "Leave, pack your stuff and go." and knowing I meant it will be enough. When I told him I would certainly not be coming to see him, he asked if he coudl see me and I just said, honestly, I don't want to be anywhere near you right now.

He's been calling, emailing, texting, and crying on the phone to me, begging me to give him another chance. I've never been this mean to him. I've never said I'm considering leaving him, because I've never actually considered leaving him. Is it enough to show him there are consequences for his actions? If I let him come home on Friday, will it just be slightly longer before he lapses back into treating me badly?

What should I do? He used to be so sweet and fun, and make me laugh all the time and we were so happy. My girlfriends said things like "I want to meet a guy like your boyfriend" and they were right. I really want to get back to that, but I don't want to just set myself up to be hurt again.

HappyHer · 08-04-2010, 03:28 PM

Insist on counseling to work through the issues that's causing him to act like a jerk. Also, are there drinking or drug addictions in here somewhere? He sounds as if he's in the throes of "using behavior" and the only stop to that is to pursue recovery, which would mean him being completely sober and pursuing some sort of twelve step or other therapy method.

It sounds as if he really doesn't want to lose you, but it also sounds that without professional help he'll just revert back to treating you poorly.

LeighN · 08-04-2010, 03:42 PM

He's definitely not an alcoholic; I'll have a glass of wine occasionally for no reason, but he generally only drinks in social situations, even though the fridge is always stocked for friends that come over. He rarely gets drunk. The problems exist mostly when he's sober, although alcohol certainly exacerbates the situation. I actually think he got drunk because he was in a bad mood and angry, not the reverse, which of course is also not healthy.

HappyHer · 08-04-2010, 03:57 PM

Okay. That rules out the using behavior. Anger issues? Depression? It could be many things. Whatever it is, it is something that really needs looked into further by a professional. As his promises of changing just don't work, he obviously needs some help to get to those changes you are both hoping for.