Join Date: Aug 2010
| | Confused, fed up.. needing help
Ok So I will try to explain this was well as I can. I am at a dead end in our relationship and I need help to figure out what to do and if divorce is even an option. There are a lot more issues then this one, a lot of broken promises, a lot of sacrifice and give on my part and take on his, but I don’t think you want to read a book…
My husband and I have been married for 1 year and 1 month. We got married after only dating for 3 months (I know I am young, stupid and was in “love”) We had a court house wedding and really didn’t have a “honeymoon” (we went to Las Vegas for a night with his friends) He promised that for our 1 year that we would go to California and have a nice week there as a real “honeymoon” (never held to that promise).
After we got married, I moved into his house ( he has been there for 4 years) with his roommate. The house is in a pretty “bad” unsafe neighborhood. I was wanting to get our own place that we didn’t need a roommate, in a safer neighborhood, but he had just resigned his lease on this house and he didn’t want to loose the deposit, I understood that so I moved into the house with the promise that we would move at the end of the lease, a full year away. Well needless to say… he has resigned the lease, a FULL YEAR, without my consent, this year. I had found a place that was perfect. I mean perfect… it was a good place with lots of room for our dogs, in a safe neighborhood, (in fact the neighbor next to the house was my sister and her daughter!!!) Same rent with no deposit. He didn’t want to move to the house because 1. it was about 15 min further from his work and too he didn’t “feel at home” his exact words. I had told him several times before he resigned the lease that I felt unsafe and uncomfortable there. He signed anyway.
In the past month a half I have had guys, tatted up and very gang banger looking come too the house and “scope” out the place, asking questions like… are you hear alone, when does the “husband” get home, do you live with a roommate… and so on. BUT too top it off, our neighbor (we shared a driveway and the house is behind ours, same landlord) was murderer. She bled out in the house and died in transit to the hospital. SO you can see why I am not thrilled to be there anymore. My husband works nights and sometimes doesn’t get home till 1 or 2 in the morning. I have since then moved back in with me parents (trying to get him to get the point) I have suggested that several options that would make me comfortable and “right the broken promise” He will not move. He says he doesn’t want to loose the deposit, but what was the excuse when I had found a place? Also my parents and I are planning on moving to Kansas (business related) within the next year, something that I told him about and we discussed BEFORE we got married. If he can’t leave this house for my safety then am I right to assume that he probably won’t go with me to Kansas, especially given that he have broken every “promise” he had made me?
He has had a routine for the past several years (which didn’t change when I came along)… He gets up @ 11ish am, goes to work, works late most nights (he’s “off” @ ten pm) then comes home grabs a drink/dinner and sits in front of the TV till early in the morning (2-4 depending on when he gets home) comes to bed, then does it all over again every day. On the weekends he gets up whenever he feels like it (several times has been mid afternoon) always apologizing for sleeping so long, but never changing it. We always have sex on Saturday night, most of the time I initiate it, and other time during the week if he isn’t exhausted, I do initiate it. Then we have dinner with his family on Sunday afternoon. I didn’t know about this “routine” before we got married, because I didn’t live with him before the marriage started. I have asked him to get up earlier, try harder to get off work on time, stuff like that, more then once but it doesn’t seem to help.
There are a lot more “issues” going like he won’t put me on his work medical insurance, bank accounts, credit cards, he wants me to “pay him back” for things, yet when I pay for things it doesn’t count, he promised to get me a wedding band with our tax returns, I ended up paying for it… stuff like that.
I feel like he's so comfortable with his "routine" he has had for years that I just slotted right in to his world. I moved into his house and he gained the title that his mom was pushing so hard for. He has not ever stood up to his mom for me, even when she was hounding me about kids. (which to be honest I don't think I can have, whole different story but a big problem in itself) His mother and him are a real issue in our marriage, less since his brothers wife is having a baby, but still not ok. Like the other day at the baby shower, she announced to everyone there that I can have kids after a women asked when I was planning on having kids. I didn’t even get a chance to respond. I wanted to cry.
He wants to go see a counselor, but I feel it's just a way to avoid the real issues at hand. He's comfortable and doesn't want to change. Because, and only because, I told him that since he wanted to go, he would have to find someone (and pay for it), that I wasn’t willing to do the work to find someone. That was 3 weeks ago!!!!
I don't know what to do... We are separated right know. But, I guaranty that the next step is divorce. I don't want it, but I need to know that he's willing to put me first, at least in some things in our marriage. Plain and simple... I just don't know where to go from here. I love him, I can tell you honestly that I am not “in love” with him anymore though. I just don’t know what to do and how to handle this. This marriage is not what I thought marriage was supposed to be like. Any advice would be helpful!