Over 22 years and the marriage is dead
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Considering Divorce or Separation If you're considering divorce or separation, this is the place to talk.

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Old 01-11-2014, 07:58 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Over 22 years and the marriage is dead

I've been married for 22 years, most of which has been unhappy. Very early on, my husband always seemed to find things to do instead of helping me with the children, house, and so on. It's always seemed as though he didn't even begin to know how to be a father or a husband; and that he didn't want to know. His abilities began when he left for work, and ended when he came home. Plus, I stayed at home with the kids while he went to work, just to have him throw a fit on me if I spent any of "his" money. His interrogation of me..,"what did you buy that for? You didn't need that, did you? You're going to pay me back for that, aren't you?" Until four years ago I couldn't take it anymore and got a job. Then less than a year ago, one evening he threatened to cancel full coverage on my car if I didn't give him the money for it. That was the straw that broke the camel's back! Through years of feeling ignored, neglected, and used, and feeling like I wasn't worth one dime to him, my love has dwindled, and finally died. I can't stand the thought of sexual contact with him (haven't done anything in months, and I'm glad)! We have no friendship, I don't love him, and don't even like him. We've tried counseling with a couple of our Pastor's, but nothing came of it. For over two decades I've never been able to discuss things to try to resolve them because he's literally acted as if I wasn't there, like he didn't hear a thing.
I have not a single good feeling toward him, no respect at all. All that's left is disdain and a non-existent relationship. I don't want marriage advice from people who've been married less than two decades. Heck, I guess I don't want marriage advice at all. The respect and love just isn't coming back. I just want to know if there's anyone whose been where I am (no, not if you've been married only a few years). You've been married for a very long time, and your marriage is dead, loveless, and sexless. What did you do? I despise him. I'm not trying to work things out anymore. Don't start telling me what I need to be doing to fix things. I'm living in reality. I tried so very hard for so very long. He isn't worth that kind of wasted energy. So have you been there? If so, what did you do?
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Old 01-11-2014, 08:55 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Over 22 years and the marriage is dead

Hi. I am a man and have been married for over 20 years. My marriage now is very sad, without intimacy, but it was not always that way. Your post makes it seem that you have never been happy in your marriage. Has your husband never done anything to make you feel he cares about your happiness?

I assume you have told him how you feel. He must know about your unhappiness. If so, he will know that you want a divorce.
I all honesty, if you can find nothing good about your marriage, past or present, I do not see how anything can be done and you should consider divorce as you are thinking now.

But, before you do that, you need to consider individual counseling to see if your anger and frustration is blocking out some feelings that may allow you to save your marriage. I think the best thing for you to do is to seek individual counseling right now. Good luck to you.
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Old 01-11-2014, 09:09 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Over 22 years and the marriage is dead

I've been married 34 years. And sorry I did.

Don't waste your life on a man who expects to use you.
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Old 01-11-2014, 09:19 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Over 22 years and the marriage is dead

I had anger and resentment for years. I'm past that. Now I feel complacent.
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Old 01-11-2014, 09:27 PM   #5 (permalink)
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You only get one life. Is this what your parents wanted?
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Old 01-11-2014, 10:09 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Over 22 years and the marriage is dead

Married 24 years. Yeah i was there for a time in a very bad place. I worked on fixing it.
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Old 01-12-2014, 04:07 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Meson, did you work it out? Did you get your love back? I personally don't want it back.
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Old 01-12-2014, 04:16 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Over 22 years and the marriage is dead

Divorce him
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Old 01-12-2014, 04:43 PM   #9 (permalink)
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You entered into a lifelong marriage contract. As such you are obligated for life. Stay married.
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Old 01-12-2014, 05:58 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Over 22 years and the marriage is dead

Lynst,

Financial issues in a marriage are tough. But going it solo when you have very little work experience can be tough too. How old are your kids now? Are any still living at home? If the money issues were solved (ie you pulled in enough income to get him off your back), would the marriage be salvageable for you? Do you currently have a skilled job or are you working min wage?

It may be a good time to plan how to make yourself self-sufficient for your own peace of mind, then tackle the state of your marriage.

-M
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Old 01-12-2014, 06:41 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Over 22 years and the marriage is dead

Hi L, I'm posting because my spouse and I have been married for 30 years.

Your post shows that you are in a lot of pain right now. I know you only want the pain to go away, but know that dumping your spouse of 22 years is not going to be a golden ticket to happiness.

I agree that seeing a therapist (individual, not marriage) would help you figure out what you really want out of life, and why you are not happy. You are searching for something. Despite how it looks to you now, your unhappiness is not all H's fault. Best wishes.

Does divorce make people happy?
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Old 01-12-2014, 07:48 PM   #12 (permalink)
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It's easy for you guys to say you bought it, you keep it. Unless what you 'bought' is an abusive relationship. That is a sham and unfair to expect the abused spouse to have to stay just because she made a vow.
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Old 01-12-2014, 08:19 PM   #13 (permalink)
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I've felt and thought it all! Hurt, anger, resentment, hopelessness, despair, hate. I've been through the times of verbally saying I want a divorce. Been out of control emotionally, said things I shouldn't say, and I decided I didn't want to be that person anymore. The things that have caused the rift that have caused the respect and love to diminush and die, they aren't important anymore. If they were I'd still be hurt and angry. I've grown past that. But when I let go of the hurt, I stopped loving him. It didn't happen over night, and there was a time when I wished it wasn't so. I wished and tried so hard. There were times when I was so depressed that it may have been affecting my health. The chest pains and sore muscles in my chest from the grief I went through. I talked with him for years. I can honestly say that I have done all that I can do to work things out and resolve things with him. His actions now will not undo the 20+ years. Years and years I would go behind a closed door to talk to him and he wouldnt even look my way, would keep his face in his book, like I wasn't there and never said a word. I've been talking to him, and I'd turn around to see he'd left the room and I was talking to no one. Problems are on thing...yes, they hurt and are upsetting. But the severe pain, the pain that has brought me to where I am, is that my pleadings with him never phased him. He ignored me one too many times.

So all I see is a man whose disregarded the things he knew hurt me. A man who has chosen money over me. A man whose distanced himself from his wife and his children because of his awkwardness, so that the children even tell me they don't want to go places or do things with him.

So here is the reality. I do not love or want to love him. I do not want his affection, and will refuse and reject it. How can people stay married and live this way? Divorce is not God's way, but neither is this!
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Old 01-12-2014, 09:22 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Over 22 years and the marriage is dead

Quote:
Originally Posted by lynst View Post
Meson, did you work it out? Did you get your love back? I personally don't want it back.
Yes, it was worked out over a few years of effort. If you really don't want it back then you are done. You need to let him know...
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Old 01-13-2014, 12:38 AM   #15 (permalink)
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It's easy for you guys to say you bought it, you keep it. Unless what you 'bought' is an abusive relationship. That is a sham and unfair to expect the abused spouse to have to stay just because she made a vow.
I didn't say "you bought it, you keep it", but I still would like to reply to your comment. (although I did say D would not be a golden ticket to happiness)

It always pains me that we only hear one partners side of the story here. Except for extremely rare cases, both partners always played a roll in the breakdown of the M. This is even more true in the long term M's. I'd like to hear why L's H has checked out.

If we could go back in time, 5 years, 10 years, etc. and ask people who want out about their spouse and M, I guarantee they did not feel then as they now say they did. Our present perception colors how we see everything, even history. When we're fed up and want to be done, we HAVE TO justify our wanting out by focusing only on the bad, and rewriting the past. It's a coping mechanism to help us with our present decisions. (and left behind spouses do this too)

So for 22 years it all sucked? Sorry, but I don't believe it. VERY few people would stick around for that long in a sucky M. First D's average around 7-8 years. Lynst, your M made it way past that... likely for a good reason.

But I'm not posting this to convince you of anything, Lynst. You basically came here to say you're done, and are looking for validation for this decision. Nothing wrong with that.

Lynst, I'm truly sorry for the all the pain you are going through right now, and wish you and your family the peace and love you deserve. I hope you can find it.
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