crossroads and need your thoughts
He’s one of those “tough personalities.” I knew it when I married him but thought I could love him enough for the both of us. I was 25 and naïve. Now I am 39 with 2 kids and fully aware that nothing will change. I am left to decide if I continue on for the good of the kids or finally leave. I have spent years daydreaming of a little house and a simple life with just my kids and I…
Hard to simplify 14 years of marriage issues but here is the gist…
First of all, I am a pleaser by nature but am also independent and need my space. I am not inherently jealous or needy, though I am affectionate and a communicator. I believe I deserve happiness and am not afraid to be alone. I have only stayed because I have felt it was in the kids best interest. Now I have eroded my own happiness for the children…
My husband is a roller coaster. He is in a high stress job and is a horrible communicator. He is in a high power job, he’s a surgeon. He withdraws sometimes, and turns into a mega-jerk. When he is in these cycles of withdrawl, he is easily irritated, snippy with the kids, highly critical of all things, judgmental of others, never wrong. ALWAYS blames these cycles on his stressful work life
When he decides he wants to be “happy”, we are all expected to be happy right along with him. He will buy lavish gifts for me and the kids, break house rules for fun that he would normally enforce to the nth degree when in his bad moods. Avoids conflict with me at all costs, and sweeps any of our problems under the rug. When he is happy he acts like a happy high—roller bringing us along with him for the ride.
I have considered the possibility of bi-polar, depression, etc. I have asked him to go to counseling, which he has refused. He has a porn addiction, which we do not speak of…some long time unwritten rule.
I believe he has been unfaithful at times, but I have no proof. He is a loving husband when it suits him and we NEVER fight in front of the children. In fact,we never fight. Again, he hates confrontation with me. I try to have a real conversation or argument and he stonewalls and has me thinking I’m crazy by the time our short conversation ends.
He avoids intimacy with me, yet takes Cialis regularly and watches porn every morning before the rest of us are awake. Obviously, he is interested in sex-just not with me. I am an attractive women, 17 years younger than he, and thought I would be able to hold his attention.
He is free with money with me, we have no real financial issues. He gives me all the freedom and space a spouse as independent as me could ask for. He trusts me completely to be loyal and faithful (which I have been). He tries hard to be a good dad, and despite his issues, has developed a strong relationship with his children.
I feel like he gives us all just enough to appease us and keep us there, like paid employees he needs to keep happy so he can go about his business uninterrupted.
Soooo, do I stay so the kids can live in the same home with their father that they still believe is mostly good and continue in the lifestyle they are accustomed to. Or, do I walk away so I can have the life I deserve, in peace with my kids, arranging visitation and child support?