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Considering Divorce or Separation If you're considering divorce or separation, this is the place to talk.

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Old 01-11-2014, 09:59 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default crossroads and need your thoughts

He’s one of those “tough personalities.” I knew it when I married him but thought I could love him enough for the both of us. I was 25 and naïve. Now I am 39 with 2 kids and fully aware that nothing will change. I am left to decide if I continue on for the good of the kids or finally leave. I have spent years daydreaming of a little house and a simple life with just my kids and I…

Hard to simplify 14 years of marriage issues but here is the gist…
First of all, I am a pleaser by nature but am also independent and need my space. I am not inherently jealous or needy, though I am affectionate and a communicator. I believe I deserve happiness and am not afraid to be alone. I have only stayed because I have felt it was in the kids best interest. Now I have eroded my own happiness for the children…

My husband is a roller coaster. He is in a high stress job and is a horrible communicator. He is in a high power job, he’s a surgeon. He withdraws sometimes, and turns into a mega-jerk. When he is in these cycles of withdrawl, he is easily irritated, snippy with the kids, highly critical of all things, judgmental of others, never wrong. ALWAYS blames these cycles on his stressful work life

When he decides he wants to be “happy”, we are all expected to be happy right along with him. He will buy lavish gifts for me and the kids, break house rules for fun that he would normally enforce to the nth degree when in his bad moods. Avoids conflict with me at all costs, and sweeps any of our problems under the rug. When he is happy he acts like a happy high—roller bringing us along with him for the ride.

I have considered the possibility of bi-polar, depression, etc. I have asked him to go to counseling, which he has refused. He has a porn addiction, which we do not speak of…some long time unwritten rule.

I believe he has been unfaithful at times, but I have no proof. He is a loving husband when it suits him and we NEVER fight in front of the children. In fact,we never fight. Again, he hates confrontation with me. I try to have a real conversation or argument and he stonewalls and has me thinking I’m crazy by the time our short conversation ends.

He avoids intimacy with me, yet takes Cialis regularly and watches porn every morning before the rest of us are awake. Obviously, he is interested in sex-just not with me. I am an attractive women, 17 years younger than he, and thought I would be able to hold his attention.

He is free with money with me, we have no real financial issues. He gives me all the freedom and space a spouse as independent as me could ask for. He trusts me completely to be loyal and faithful (which I have been). He tries hard to be a good dad, and despite his issues, has developed a strong relationship with his children.

I feel like he gives us all just enough to appease us and keep us there, like paid employees he needs to keep happy so he can go about his business uninterrupted.

Soooo, do I stay so the kids can live in the same home with their father that they still believe is mostly good and continue in the lifestyle they are accustomed to. Or, do I walk away so I can have the life I deserve, in peace with my kids, arranging visitation and child support?
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Old 01-17-2014, 09:12 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: crossroads and need your thoughts

Hi, I don't have much to offer you other than to say, I too know what it' like to live in a golden guilted gage.

My story didnt have apathy, or distance built into it, but it had a life changing event that has me questioning what should I do next?

You have your children still with you at home, so you have direction and focus still in your life. As your children age, your life w h has to grow together, because reality is, the kids grow up and leave. The day does come when one is standing in front of the man or women they married so long ago, ((if they make it that long.))

You are only 40. In so many ways your life has just begun.

Will he change? Do you want to spend the rest of your life as it is now?

One of my therapist suggested to me, a good indicator of how we are doing in our life is to look at the past two years for references, as it usually will show the future 2 unless we make a change...

Don't know if that will help.

~sammy
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Old 01-17-2014, 11:31 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: crossroads and need your thoughts

If your husband won't go to counseling, you should go for yourself. Talking to a good counselor can really help you make sense of things and help you to make objective choices. Also, it wouldn't hurt to consult an attorney to see what your rights are. Good luck!
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Old 01-24-2014, 10:50 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: crossroads and need your thoughts

Thanks for the feedback. I plan to speak to a therapist, but I've had years to try to work through my feelings on this. The truth is, I care deeply for my husband. I hate that this will hurt him. I hate even more how hurt and neglected this marriage is. We are nothing more than partners in raising our children. I am not afraid to be alone, I welcome it at this point. I will gain custody of the children and the lawyer says I will get more than enough financially to be okay. The real sadness comes in knowing that I will have to help my kids deal with this and that I hope my husband will get therapy to heal himself and all his issues, whether I am in the picture or not.

We haven't spoken for days, other than a quick mention of the kids. I have no idea where he is at emotionally and we continue to avoid conversation and intimacy. I am gathering my thoughts and action plan in case I confront him and this goes the way of separation. If a miracle occurs that gets him to consider working this out for real, with open communication and love, then I won't need my lawyer. If he wants to work on this marriage, I am going to have a hard time doing so after so many years of being done. Afraid it could be too late.

I am dealing with a narcissistic, porn addict, emotionally stunted individual…rough road through communication of any kind.
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Old 01-24-2014, 11:17 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: crossroads and need your thoughts

I dont know how old your kids are, but I am assuming they are no longer little. They know that you are unhappy, whether you are aware that they know or not. While staying for the kids is a commendable excuse, you really have done them no favors. Its time for you to get tough here. You need to tell your H that you two either go to counseling, or you are filing for divorce, and MEAN IT. YOU MUST FOLLOW THROUGH, or there will be zero effect. If he agrees, then through the counseling, you can determine whether you really are done despite his willingness to try. You could be right, it may be too late, and that is ok too. I have been where you are...DONE...and there was no hope to get it back, in my situation. Good luck to you.
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Old 01-24-2014, 06:37 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: crossroads and need your thoughts

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Originally Posted by cagedrat View Post
I have considered the possibility of bi-polar, depression, etc.
Caged, it may be worth your while to take a look at my description of the differences I've seen between the behaviors of bipolar sufferers and those having BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). My observations are based on my experience living with a bipolar sufferer (my foster son) and a BPDer (my exW). My list of 12 differences appears in my post at Confused. If that description rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss it with you. Take care, Caged.
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Old 01-25-2014, 08:20 PM   #7 (permalink)
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I dont know how old your kids are, but I am assuming they are no longer little. They know that you are unhappy, whether you are aware that they know or not. While staying for the kids is a commendable excuse, you really have done them no favors. Its time for you to get tough here. You need to tell your H that you two either go to counseling, or you are filing for divorce, and MEAN IT. YOU MUST FOLLOW THROUGH, or there will be zero effect. If he agrees, then through the counseling, you can determine whether you really are done despite his willingness to try. You could be right, it may be too late, and that is ok too. I have been where you are...DONE...and there was no hope to get it back, in my situation. Good luck to you.
I believe you are right. I feel "the talk" is near, I am trying to gather up my brave. It's easy to avoid talking, the hard part is facing someone you barely no how to talk to and have such a life changing discussion.
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Old 01-25-2014, 08:23 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Caged, it may be worth your while to take a look at my description of the differences I've seen between the behaviors of bipolar sufferers and those having BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). My observations are based on my experience living with a bipolar sufferer (my foster son) and a BPDer (my exW). My list of 12 differences appears in my post at Confused. If that description rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss it with you. Take care, Caged.
This gives me something to think about and talk to my therapist about. There are so many possible issues that could be going on with him, it would take a professional to get to the bottom his issues. I fear that with or without me, he may never really deal with his problems since he does;t believe he has any.
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Old 01-27-2014, 12:30 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Book MC. Tell him well in advance. If he wants to change the time, fine. The session is not optional.

There you both talk. You can lay it out there.

Your husband will not change without hard pressure. The action you are taking must spell out the need for change or divorce. Quitting porn can be difficult. Making love to a woman requires communication and emotional interplay.

In porn he has a harem of stimulation. You can watch porn with him and takeover his cyber sex planet. Tell him you are going to join him.

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Old 01-31-2014, 03:31 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Posted via Topify using iPhone/iPad

Last edited by LongWalk; 01-31-2014 at 03:31 PM.
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Old 02-03-2014, 07:19 AM   #11 (permalink)
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I guess the question is what are you prepared to do? The issues with your husband taking cialis and not touching you is concerning. Dr's in general are strange fruit, just like cops. We live in a world where life and death is always there. This is not an excuse to behave the way your husband does. It's somewhat an explanation of sorts. Communication is key in a relationship, this you already know. Based on his behavior and you bringing it to his attention, he should try and listen to your requests, they do have merit. Getting help together to save or assist a marriage is a must. If porn and other activities, lead to the disconnect then that has to be addressed. I know in my old life I asked my exww, let's get help, you need help. Her response at the time is "I don't need that crap, I can do this myself". She was wrong. Hence ex. I no longer wanted to be tied to someone that looked at me with disdain. Did I have my issues, yes, being who I am you need to vent. It did help. It was nice to talk with someone and not worry about them using that info against you in an argument. If he is to change this pattern of behavior, he has to put his egomania aside and realize he is human, like the rest of us and is in need of some kind of intervention, of sorts. You are trying to break this cycle, which now I read is becoming worse and worse as the days go by. You are in the marriage, he is just their. He needs a rude awakening. Tell him point blank, "I have a need, I need my husband, life partner, father of my children, my love, to be present and in be a part of the "now". It's not an ultimatum, it's a cry for help, to keep our marriage, a marriage. Good luck.
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Old 02-04-2014, 10:05 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Rottdad, I believe his life as a doctor has had some impact on how he perceives himself. He has a very high opinion of himself and the rest of us are pretty much just stupid. Anything he gives of himself should be seen as a special part of himself, to be cherished. I used to believe that crap, but the truth is, he is only capable of giving when it suits him. He does not, nor has he ever, had my best interest at heart. Sadly, I have come to realize that the whole marriage was a farce and therefore, nothing worth saving. I have no desire to save a lie. I only wish I had opened my eyes wide enough to see that I was the only who was in love, from the start. I was just a box to check off with him-pretty young wife…CHECK. I have seen a lawyer and will be bringing it all out with him in a few weeks. I've made arrangements for the kids to be away so we will have an empty house to hash it out. I am scared, angry, sad…all the usual emotions. I wish some part of our marriage had been real so I would have something worth fighting for. I am mostly sad for our kids. They really do not deserve any of this.
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Old 02-04-2014, 10:08 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Longwalk, I have been thinking about what you said. The fact is, I don't want this marriage now. For our whole marriage, he has gone outside of it to get what he needs-via porn, ego fix, emotional support. He didn't come to me for any of the parts of a marriage that make me more than his servant. He also tore me down in my times of need. There is no proof that he wanted me as anything more than his arm candy and a mother to his children. I will be a good mother to his children divorced, even though I am sad they will have to entire that.
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