I was introduced to my husband through my mother. He is a distant family friends of mine and she somehow convinced me that he is the right guy for me. From his side, his father convinced him that he should consider marrying me and he would prefer that my husband abides his advice.
Before marrying my husband, I had been left hurt and broken by my ex-boyfriend of 5 years. So when my mother set me up with my husband, I accept I didn't give it much though and just went on with it.
We got married within an year of meeting each other. One month into our marriage, our personality started to clash a hell lot and he tried to make me more submissive towards him. When he realized I expected equality rather than submission, he started to withdraw completely. Its been 6 months to our marriage and we haven't slept together for the past 3 months.
Last month I finally decided to give my best shot and change myself where I can. And I asked him what he would like me to change about me. To which he said I feel suppressed when with you (I'm more educated than him and I work at a higher position) and he wants me to come to his level of confidence and lose my confidence because for him that seems like a bad attitude. He said I should be more submissive and say yes to things he want us to do and if he is wrong, I shouldn't correct him.
This week I realised this marriage was the biggest mistake of my life because I am losing my true self and I'm going into depression. I feel like he isn't willing to accept me as I am and just wants me to change myself completely so that I suit him better. Recent;y I have started to have suicidal thoughts because I am so unhappy and miserable with him. I don'e feel loved or respected at all; I just feel the pressure to change my self for this marriage to work.
I asked for divorce this week. To which he first agreed and the very next day he said he wants to make this work because he's too scared about what might happen to him once this gets over. He said he feels too scared to take that decision and he just rather keep this marriage going, hoping that things will smooth out by themselves.
I told I am going to give this marriage one month with the last shot. And I will give it all I have, if he is willing to accept me as I am. He said one month is too less and relationships take time to get better. And he doesn't want to get out this because he fears it'll affect his reputation among his friends and family. so it's still about him and his reputation and not about us.
In the end he did agree to the one month. And I am giving this one month to see if he is really willing to make this worth for us. But inside it's killing me and I can't stand him even for a minute.
Was it a mistake giving this failed marriage another shot just for the heck of it?
No I don't think it was a mistake to give your marriage another chance. I don't know what your religious beliefs are, but the book Love and Respect is incredible and it sounds like it may help in your situation—even if you're not of the same religion.
You cannot change yourself to please another person. If you are only 6 months into the marriage and feeling this way, then cut yourself loose and chalk it up to mistakes we make in life. There is a big difference between asking someone what they need, i.e. "I need to be hugged every morning", and to change yourself in order to cater to their inferiority issues. One is healthy and one is not, and a relationship is all about caring about the other person but staying true to your own limits and boundaries. If he feels inferior to you, then he has to work on himself unless you are putting him down or treating him poorly.
Thank you all for your feedback and advice, I really appreciate it.
Omego - "Do not let his problems become yours'. This just the nail on the head and I feel like he is putting me down because his problems and issues. Thank you!
thejenweaver - I gave this another shot so that we both know that we didn't take any rash decisions and came to our decision with a calmer mind. I'll try to get my hands on the book you recommended, thank you!
Keenwa - I agree with you entirely. One can't change themselves to please another person. No, I'm not putting him down in any way. I am hurt by how he has treated me, I didn't feel loved or cared for in these 6 months.
PBear - I went for counseling but he didn't. When I asked him to join me, he said if you are going you'll get the answers and the help you need. You can just come and tell me what the counselor said. I think this month is so that he knows I gave him a chance. I am trying to the best of my abilities, but only to an extent where I don't lose my true self. Thank you!
richie33 - We don't have any kids. We aren't even sleeping in the same bed for past 3 months. I just want us both to be happy, but clearly we aren't happy in this marriage. Thank you!
Even though it has only been 2 days since my husband said he'll give his last shot. I feel like he is trying way too hard just because of the fear of what might happen to him after. And this is only pushing me farther away.
I'm scared of him now. I'm scared he'll pressurize me to stay in a marriage I do not want to anymore.
I think I have made up my mind now. I can't do this anymore and I can't continue with this marriage because just the idea of spending the rest of my life with him makes me sad. Not even once in these 6 months did I feel loved by him. Trying to give this another shot is emotionally draining me.
I hope I'm not making a mistake. It's sometimes hard to know when to give up and when to keep trying harder.