Join Date: Aug 2010
| | Wife is choosing parents vs husband
I posted here a week or two back, but am starting a new thread. I'm writing this as much to clarify my own feelings as anything else.
We have been together for over 25 years, married for 21 of them. This is my second marriage, her first, we don't have children together, she was a wonderful step mom to my kids, more a tolerating big sister than an active mother.
By today's standards I was an innocent when we met, I still am.
I wrote that my wife has not had intercourse with me in a long time, and has distanced herself from me, work and her PC far more interesting than our life. I've communicated explicitly my concerns and desires, even so she's in our bed at most twice a week while I'm still awake even though nothing other than caresses will happen. I want more, and much to my delight, I know I would find it if I look. Innocent me, short, balding, round me, finds women interesting and vice versa. I don't start conversations, but find others start them, a woman doesn't have to be at her prime for me to find her interesting. Pheromones anyone?
I'm retired and and live 60 miles northeast of Times Square in one of Fairfield county's prosperous but not wealthy by CT standards smaller towns.
It is a fine place when kids are growing up, a fine place when you are working full time, but boring when you have a little bit of cash and fair amounts of time - it is a suburb, what can I say. I have friends I see regularly, good libraries and a cello I'm learning to play, but this is not enough. I want concerts, museums, galleries, cityscapes and passion.
When we met, the first woman I talked to since my separation was all over me in the building's parking lot as I walked in, she was concerned because I didn't take her home the night we met at a singles' group after closing down a bar having had one drink apiece, she came home with me after our first date and never left, we didn't get a lot of sleep that weekend, and often went to work late in following years.
She has always been OCD, but when I was working 6 days a week and having kids with us four days a week, her spending an hour or so before bed on her PC playing games wasn't a problem, our bed was always warm and loving.
Post menopause she has lost desire, at least for me. Now her job is her interest, along with talking to her 80+ year old mom for hours a day including those after 9 PM. Hint - I go to sleep at between 11:30 and midnight.
She still tells me she's crazy about me, I know she still thinks and says she is, but the way she shows it isn't meeting the way I want and need, and has changed greatly these last few years.
Today we went to a memorial service for a mutual friend, a fellow who died suddenly about two weeks ago, he was a month older than me. His death reminded me how uncertain our futures are, "carpe diem" has long been high on my list.
I've been worried about our marriage for years, but like a lot of guys good sex has usually been sufficient cause to sleep easily and forget problems.
Our marriage has had very few arguments, she has often told me I'm a very good husband.
After this past winter of cold, ice and snow, followed by the hottest summer I remember, I've decided that I want to live in San Francisco. My youngest lives there, my oldest and his family live in Seattle.
I have a chronic disease that impacts my walking and little else, my wife has her health issues, but we could easily live another twenty years or more despite them.
Looking forward I don't want to spend another winter in CT, and my wife has earlier told me that she would move to SF with me. Great you say. We can afford to do this although we would need to rent rather than buy, if we sold our house here we could find a very nice place.
As someone wrote on the earlier thread we've lost interest in each other. I know I have, the lack of sex, rejection I find hard to take.
I told her soon after we met that I would move west when I stopped working, she said "we'll see".
Of course there are conditions, she now adds - she wants to live close to her parents (currently 15 miles away) as long as she might be needed. I think her mom might outlast me, I hope she does. Perhaps she'll decide to move in with my wife, our house is beautiful, large and very easy to maintain - I've spent as much as it cost in the early 90s to update it and simplify maintenance. It is a ranch with ramps everywhere, with an accessible kitchen and bathroom. We have 50% or so equity in the house and I'll gladly quit claim it.
While we drive home from the memorial service (where I believe I was hit on at least twice, once by a very attractive friend of my late friend) wife and I discussed the future.
My FIL, her 87 yo dad is getting closer and closer to needing a nursing home, undoubtedly the one my wife works in. He could live another decade or more, I hope he does. Her mom and dad live separately and have had a miserable marriage since the late 50s. Holidays with them are always intense and at our house or a restaurant.
Her mom's house is filled with old newspapers to the point that she lives w/o hot water, shamed that someone who is not a family member will see the mess and possibly notify authorities. Despite the newspapers the woman is sharp and active.
Summary - my wife won't move as long as her parents might need her. I said that this means I'll be in a city where heterosexual men have lots of possible company, and I desire such company, does she really want me there w/o her? Answer - yes.
Second answer - I want to restart my life while I still can.
My question - why am I waiting till January to head west?
I think the only reason is that I haven't really digested this, our marriage is over for all practical purposes. I'll move with some clothes, my Mac laptop, and little more.
I've cried enough these past few months, started seeing a counsellor, but the future seems clear. It took both of us to get here, we will go forward into separate futures.
I'll miss my garden, the quiet of a summer's day I enjoy in this very green suburb, but I think my life is too short to live without passion and love, especially in a town where life is very constrained.
If you've read this far I congratulate you. My wife will be working tomorrow - I will think and possibly write more on this topic.
I might even send an email to my late friend's friend - she loves email. She likes the Chinese restaurant where he and I went several times and would like to go back, their relationship was friendship, they weren't a couple. She is a Met's fan, but I can cope, I've always enjoyed having a meal with an attractive woman. She isn't in mourning, she, like me, is missing a friend who was bright and interesting.
Life is strange.