Aussie969

Hi everyone,

First time posting and as you can imagine I need some advice! Been married 14 years and have 3 kids (all under 7). Wife and I entered in our relationship in an interesting manner - we were kinda forced to marry because of immigration concerns! Well she was ready to marry, but I was far from ready.

After 2 years I walked out because I couldn't stand being married to her any more but I was talked back into the relationship and we carried on.

We had a lot of fun together before we had kids and things were pretty good - didn't have a lot of intimate moment (ie sex) but we traveled and had fun together. Thinking back, we were really good roommate that had similar interests etc.

About 5 years ago Wife hurt her back and as a result the fun times stopped because she couldn't participate. Things like skiing, golfing, etc all came to a halt for her and she wouldn't let me pursue these things with out her. So my life came to a stop too. She is still dealing with the back injury today.

I let her stop me having fun and I take responsibility for that but believe that over the past 5 years I have built up such a resentment for her that I am now just repulsed by her. I don't like it when she touches me (holds my hand etc) and I do whatever I can to avoid being around her.

A couple of months ago I had a 'come to Jesus' moment and realized how I was feeling and what the probable cause was. I told her that I was thinking of leaving and wasn't sure my heart was in the relationship anymore and she freaked out.

She has subsequently apologized for everything she did to contribute to the way I'm feeling today but I still feel this resent and complete repulsion towards her.

We very rarely have sex and she has often accused me of not pursuing her - which is very true. I don't pursue her because I don't find her sexually attractive.

About 3 months ago I met another woman at work and have started having an affair with her. She is just everything that wife is not and I'm so attracted to her. I see a life of happiness and passion with her rather than the life of lack of passion and dreariness with Wife.

I have had multiple affairs over the 14 years of marriage probably because I am very unsatisfied in the passion department.

The more I write, the more it seems to become clear to me - I should probably leave wife - irrespective of situation with girlfriend. I'm not a faithful husband and will probably never be with her - I am just not fulfilled.

Would love to hear anyone's thoughts on my situation. Also, would be interested in how to have the tough conversation with Wife about leaving. She has no knowledge of any of my past indiscretions - should I just leave it that way and leave because I'm not emotionally engaged anymore? Or should I confess to the past indiscretions?

Advocado

I feel that you already have all the answers form your "can't stay faithfull" thread and you do know that it's now time to own up to your wife about the multiple affairs so that she can get tested/protect her future health and plan for the future. If you just say you are not "emotionally engaged" with her, she won't get tested.

I am at a loss to know why you now describe her as repulsive and trust it is not just an excuse on your part to explain away your dishonesty/unfaithfullness. In any event, it’s highly likely she isn’t happy in the relationship either and so by putting things off you are prolonging the agony for both of you.

If you really cannot find the courage to “confess” to her face, consider writing it all down in a letter to your wife but don’t just hand it to her and walk away and don’t just leave the note for her to find. Pick your moment and hand her the note and MAKE SURE you stay with her whilst she reads it through and tries to digest it - be prepared for her reaction (e.g. shock, hurt, anger) and stay there to answers all her questions with the honesty you know she deserves.

Again, don't just hand her the note, STAY WITH HER WHILST SHE READS IT.

DawnD

I am beginning to believe that you are waiting for someone to tell you that its okay to walk away from your wife and three children without having to tell anyone that you have been cheating on her since day 1. That probably isn't going to happen. You keep saying she doesn't deserve the hurt. EXACTLY. So if you want to spare her the hurt, stop cheating and lying.

Is this about her, or is this about you not wanting everyone to know that you are a cheater and a liar? What I find hilarious is that you don't realize once the truth comes out everyone you know will be repulsed by you.....

BuddyL33

I agree with this statement entirely. I also feel like you are waiting for a specific answer instead of really wanting the honest opinions of the people you have polled by posting in this forum.

Your cheating on your wife. It's wrong, plain and simple. You took a vow to forsake all others and you are choosing to ignore that promise. You are taking away the choice of your wife to work on this marriage or leave it. It's a very selfish choice.

Don't mistake my blutness for judging you. I was married to a woman from 2001-2006. When we first met she was the 6th person I had ever slept with. When we divorced my number was somewhere in the 40s. I did the same thing you are doing. I justified it in similar ways you are doing. But finally I came to grips with what I was doing and how it was wrong and how was stealling my wife's life away from her. So I told her. She always knew but never had the proof. In the end we came to realize we weren't right for each other. She was extremely hurt by what I had done from her and why I didn't leave her back when my cheating started.

That failed marriage and my cheating made me come to realize I had become something that I truly was ashamed of being. I made concious choices to be as transparent and honest as humanly possible with future relationships and I can tell you my life has been better as a result.

You owe it to your wife AND yourself to come clean with all of this. Only then can you move forward or move on.