Zorromp

My wife and I have been married for over 5 years, together nearly 10. Things were never perfect, but then again what relationship is? Anyway, recently finances have been worse and a near scare freaked my wife out. She says she can no longer live like this and is thinking about separating. Since then, my life seems in ruin. I work two jobs already to support both her and our toddler. She talks to her friends back home on a constant basis and rarely talks to me. Just yesterday she tells me that she has come to the realization that her heart may not have been completely in it when we got married. She blames herself for that. She has already started researching joint custody and legal separation/divorce laws in our area.
She has reluctantly agreed to see a marriage counselor with me.
She feels I am not taking enough initiative and that I am more of a second child to her lately, rather than a partner. I am not perfect and never try to be. But, I am not abusive, I have taken care of her when she has been very sick, and through a few major operations, and I always help out when I can.
I DO NOT want to separate. I love her with all my heart and my child is my world.
I know she chats with her friends and even an ex online. She feels I am trying to spy on her a lot, when all I want to do is talk to her.
I do not want to give up. This is worth fighting for. I just hope that in time she will see that too. Anyone ever been in the same boat?

healingme

I have told my husband I want a separation and am looking to move out. We don't have kids together (although he has one to his first wife). I can relate to feeling like I'm the mother-figure in my house, like my H is nothing more than a child to me. Until 2 days ago his friend was living with us after a break up (8 months he was with us!!!) and he took to calling me "Mum". I hated that, but I did feel like having his little friend over caused this side of me to really come out once and for all. He says the same thing "I am not perfect and never try to be" and says he can't promise anything because he's not perfect, which IMHO is a major copout. He has never been abusive either, but abuse is an extreme state of being and shouldn't be a bargaining tool like "hey I never abused you." The answer to that should and will be "good and neither you should. What, you want extra credit for that?"
I have had some major surgeries as well and H has looked after me through that, but although I appreciate those moments, they are nothing more than brief expanses of time and I can't shake the feelings I have toward him just because he looked after me during my recovery. I am grateful, but shouldn't have to completely discount all the crappy things about our marriage just because he did what a husband should do for his wife on those occasions.

I'll tell you this from my perspective - I do not want to feel like his mother, his roommate or even his wife. I want to feel like a woman, and in order to do that he needs to be a man for me. That's not our only problem, but is a part of the mangled wreckage of our marriage. This separation is a chance for me to work on myself and for him to work on himself. If he chooses not to do that, then I have no choice but to start divorce proceedings when the separation is up. Sometimes I just want him to be decisive, manly and quit leaving all the thinking to me.

I apologise if my words are harsh. I've run out of patience in my own marriage, so don't have the energy to choose my words carefully anymore. I do hope you can both get to a place where you are both confident about where your lives are going, either together or not.

unbelievable

Zorromp,

If your financial problems are the result of recurring irresponsible decisions on your part, then your wife's unhappiness is the natural consequence and you may just have to learn from the experience and accept it.
Your wife apparently thinks of you as a kid. Why? What can you do to change her opinion? For one, quit worrying about who she's talking to. Women talk, especially when they are upset. If you spy on her or aggravate her about it, it only confirms her opinion that you are insecure and irresponsible. Use whatever free time you have to shoulder more of her burdens.
If your problems are primarily financial, maybe you and she can enroll in one of Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace programs. If nothing else, it would show her that you have a plan and are making progresss toward alleviating the financial problem. A problem with a solution plan doesn't seem nearly as scary as a hopeless problem.
She's invested 10 years in you and y'all have a child, so I'm guessing she must be EXTREMELY unhappy to consider divorce. It's great that you took care of her when she was sick. You needed to be taking care of her every day and that includes managing finances and helping out around the house. Something has made her really unhappy. It's unproductive for you to focus on what you have done right. She knows all that and she's still unhappy. You'll get more mileage out of identifying where you have failed, owning up to it and desperately trying to fix it.