How do I end my marriage and make him understand that I don't love him anymore?
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Old 08-31-2010, 12:35 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Unhappy How do I end my marriage and make him understand that I don't love him anymore?

I'm 33 with 2 kids (ages 6 &13). I've been married for 16 years. I've never been happy but it's been reallyyyyy bad for the past 3+ years. I've gone to marriage counselor and it didn't help. I know I want this marriage to end but he refuses to accept this. I've asked him to leave me alone and I've told him I don't love him anymore but he said he won't leave our home because of the kids. I'm trying not to rush out of this but at the same time we are both very unhappy. We have not been together for over 1 year. I don't want this to get ugly but I can't stand being under the same roof with him. We hardly talk to each other unless it involves the kids. We are not financially well so I would like to avoid wasting all this money that I don't have on a lawyer. How do I end this misery? I know I have to take the 1st step because he never will (
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Old 08-31-2010, 03:48 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I end my marriage and make him understand that I don't love him anymore?

What is it that's making you so miserable?
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Old 09-01-2010, 05:11 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I end my marriage and make him understand that I don't love him anymore?

I'm sorry I should have shared more information. This man has been in my life since I was 13 yrs old. He is 5 yrs older than me. My 1st BF. He was always very controlling, jealous and verbally abusive especially when he was drunk (which was every wknd) since young age. I left my home when I was 17 to move in with him. I was always so afraid of him I allowed it and adjusted to that life style. The next day he would always apologize and act like nothing happened. I never spoke up or shared how unhappy he was making me. Up until 3 yrs ago he lost his job and stood home for about 2 1/2 years because he just didn't know how to go out and find a job. I became financially stressed. I had to pay my mortgage and all the other bills on my own. When I realized I was doing all this on my own I became aware of how much more I was worth than what I thought. I became very independant and realized how unhappy I was with him. Financially we were doing very bad and my parents had to step in to help us out and he still did nothing to go out and find himself a job. He basically put us in debt! He wanted me to set up interviews and send out his resumes because he was so use to me doing everything for him. I was always like his mother and not his wife. Since then our marriage became very unsteady. I decided to speak up and not let him control me any longer. I attended work events although he disapproved, if I had to work late I would not ask him for permission, I would go out with my kids without calling him first, dress as I pleased and this made me feel so much better about myself. I was much more secure! Something I had never felt since I was 13. I was always his puppet and only moved on command. He always went out drinking with his friends and I was always went from work to my kids. I had no friends to go out with because I was always afraid to tell him I wanted to go for a drink with my co-workers.

Now that I'm being ME he dislikes it. But at this point I don't care what he thinks. Like I said earlier we went to counseling because he begged and pleaded but I know deep down inside I'm done with him. I feel grudgeful and I strongly believe that I moved in with this person because I was 17 and VERY afraid of him. He says he loves me but this is how he was raised and didn't know any better. We have not been sexually active for over 1 year and prior to this I was doing it to please him because I was not getting anything out of it for myself. At this point I know deep down inside I'm done. I've told him straight out that I have no more feelings for him and I want him to leave me alone. But he walks around like it's all okay and that bothers me so much.

Lately he's been drinking and being verbally abusive towards my 13yr old son and I can't stand this. But I'm also very afraid of his reaction and unsure on how to end this marriage. My family (parents) are fully supportive of my decision but I don't know why I'm holding back. I think I'm scared of the unknown.

I need to build my courage and step out of this unhappy marriage Within the last few years I've become more spiritual and rely on God to give me the courage to move onto a happier life and bless us all.
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Old 09-02-2010, 12:05 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I end my marriage and make him understand that I don't love him anymore?

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Originally Posted by luvadd View Post
My family (parents) are fully supportive of my decision but I don't know why I'm holding back. I think I'm scared of the unknown.

I need to build my courage and step out of this unhappy marriage Within the last few years I've become more spiritual and rely on God to give me the courage to move onto a happier life and bless us all.
It sounds to me like you've answered your own question. The first step is always the biggest and the toughest...but it's worth it in the long run. Live YOUR life for YOU for a change.
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Old 09-03-2010, 09:39 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I end my marriage and make him understand that I don't love him anymore?

He stayed home for 21/2 years and did nothing ?

How much does he drink it seems like he drinks all the time that is dealbreaker for most people?

Where you two christians when you first got married?

the first thing he needs to do is stop the drinking this is a major obstacle ...i think you certainly had feelings for him other then just bieng 17 you shared two children together so there is/was something there...

You are certainly very angry resentful towards him those are still "feelings " towatds youre relationship...if you dont know how to move forward try to continue counseling ...(hopefully a christian one)...either way a good counselor can move both of you through which ever proccess you both decide to do even a divorce ...you still have kids together as well the slower the process the better for everyone at least with a counselor for a while you gave him a chance to do the right things like the drinking and such it wont be a suprise ...a counselor will certainly point this out and also bring home the seriosness of the situation...good luck and keep up the prayers
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Old 09-03-2010, 11:20 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I end my marriage and make him understand that I don't love him anymore?

Luvadd
We go through a lot of change and growth from the age of 13 to 33. At age 13 we’re still very much a child just out of puberty and know exceedingly little about ourselves and the world around us. By the time a woman’s 33 she’s maybe seeing she has a few child bearing years left and has some idea even if it’s in the unconscious that she’ll be going through yet another change in life.

To me it sounds as they you’ve grown up and matured nicely along the way. You’ve met life’s challenges and come out of them well. But your husband is very different and in some ways he still has a lot of the child within him.

I think you have outpaced your husband in the growth stakes and now you are wondering who it is you are living with. What can you do? It is a tough one. I think if you stay with your husband it will slow down your growth and you will continue to be unhappy and unfulfilled. I don’t know about US law but in English law a divorce can be granted for unreasonable behaviour. I do know that in the US divorce can be done DIY. Maybe that’s the way ahead for you.

But how do you tell your husband? Personally I don’t think he’s going to hear you until he gets the papers. Maybe just seeing the divorce forms in your house will be the wakeup call he needs. If it is and you see in him a want to genuinely change just take it from there for a bit and see how it goes.

Bob
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Old 09-03-2010, 12:54 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I end my marriage and make him understand that I don't love him anymore?

Thank you all for your responses! @ Bob, Wow you just said to me exactly what our therapist has told both of us. You know I never expected to be in this situation but here I am and it's one of the toughest moments I've ever experienced. Today is one of those days that all I want to do is cry and run far from everything and everyone because I feel like I'm all alone at a dead end alleyway and no way out. I've been taking it really slow and I've allowed a few years to go by and on this day I'm so sure I'm not making a wrong choice. I feel sorry for him and feel bad about having to put my kids through this traumatic experience but I can't take it any longer. My husband and I are two completely human beings. The only thing we have in common is our kids and we both love to dance and listen to music. It's not enough. I literally can't come up with anything else, believe me I've tried. I know it's impossible to find perfect person but the most important (communicative, nurturing, trustful, outgoing, respectful, humor, spirituality and security of oneself) attributes I need in a man he unfortunately does not have any. I don't know what it is like to celebrate an anniversay, go out for dinner as a couple, this was never done in my marriage, but I didn't miss it because never had it before. But now that I talk with my friends I listen to the wonderful moments they share with their spouses and I realize wow I don't know what all this feels like.

Please don't get me wrong. I don't put all the blame on him because I allowed this to go on for so many years and never put a stop to it. I could've spoken up but always was very afraid. Therefore, I am just as responsible. I was probably not the perfect wife because never felt like I needed to give anymore than what I was giving. After we had our first child it became all about the kids. This marriage turned into a habitual relationship instead of a loving one.

I will keep my head up as high as I can but I will continue to pray that God give me the strength and courage to move forward with what I want. And that is to be alone with my kids....
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Old 09-03-2010, 04:15 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Not your job to make him understand

In the last few years I've become more a parent than a lover, responding to my wife's more and more child like behavior. I hate this behavior.

I finally realized that by accepting this role, I reinforce her actions. I've stopped doing so many things that a parent does for a 10 year old, I've told her I'm not her father, not her white knight, that love requires giving as well as receiving, marriage needs adults.

You don't have to make your H understand anything, all you have to do is file for divorce. I don't know where you live, but since you are young, with young children and have relied on your parents' help, you may not have much in the way of assets. This means in many states you have little to lose by doing a do-it-yourself divorce. Start by googling
Divorce MyState

You will find a lot of information. Move out and get a restraining order, call a local women's shelter, in CT and some other states dialing 211 will connect you to someone who can guide you.

You have clearly become a woman, I know the path is hard, but you can do it, you'll look back and wonder what you feared, you will not see dragons. Your kids will thank you in time.

Good luck, feel free to post again or mail back channel.
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