Should he stay or should he go? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 3 (permalink) Old 09-01-2010, 09:02 PM Thread Starter
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Should he stay or should he go?

I'm not sure what to do. I have been married for almost 18 years and have 2 kids. I found out in January my husband had oral sex with a friend of ours. I was ready to end the marriage. He begged me to stay and work things out. I stayed and I thought things were going ok. We both work different shifts so its hard to see each other and during the weekends we are usually tied up with stuff for the kids. Unfortunately, life got in the way of our marriage. About a month ago, my husband told me he wasn't happy and he was trying to make it work and was just tired of trying. He said I am not loving enough, I am not exciting, I'm not spontaneous enough. I of course being the foolish loving wife, asked what I could do to help fix things. He said he didn't know. I then found out he had been talking to another woman. When I asked him about it and asked him if he loved her he said yes. I had him leave. His own family called me to say they didn't know what was going on with him but I had put up with so much thru the years they were surprised I hung on so long. They pointed out to me how everything he wanted I gave him. We even moved a couple years ago because he wasn't happy where we were before. Now, I'm in a house I can't afford by myself with 2 kids that have grown to love it here.

A few days later he started texting me saying he's messed up and didn't know how to fix it. He said he didn't mean it when he said he loved the other person he was just saying it because he was mad. He then left me paperwork from a site for building a better marriage. When I seen him a few days later he told me it was his way of trying to reach out and see what we could do. I had already had an appointment set up with a counselor he said he would go with me. While we were there he then said again he didn't want to work on it. He couldn't change. Which in my opinion is a copout. You don't want to change not you can't. I was crushed. I continued on and had set up a schedule for him with the kids. That weekend when he had the kids I went out with some friends for dinner and drinks. It felt so awkward not being a couple anymore but I thought this is the first step. I felt so lonely and stupid. He found out I had went out and that Sunday he asked to talk with me. He wanted to see if we could try to work things out. We talked and said things that we both felt were wrong with our marriage. He wanted to stay and try to work things out. Since then I don't feel like things are getting any better. I'm not so sure he wants to still stay. He'll say things like he might change then says he can't. I'm confused, I'm angry, and I feel like a complete fool. I keep taking this man back that has done nothing but break my heart. I'm not sure what to do. My head says 'just forget it, you and the kids will find a way to make things work on your own.' My heart says don't give up. I'm also scared to death for my kids, I know this is going to be devastating for them. We were never ones to argue or fight in front of them so this is a shock to them. They do know at this point we are having problems and are trying to work it out but, is this fair to them. Should I continue to try and work this out and hope for the best or just let go?

I am so scared and confused. I don't know what is right anymore.

Any thoughts I would appreciate it.

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post #2 of 3 (permalink) Old 09-02-2010, 02:19 AM
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Re: Should he stay or should he go?

Do you REALLY love this guy?? Really?? After all these years and all the lies? People who truly love each other don't hurt each other like he has been doing.

You truly love your kids. Would you treat your kids the way he has been treating you?

If you think HE can make it work then go for it and see what happens but stop thinking that this is all on you because it's not. Marriage is supposed to be about being there for each other and enjoying life together and when that stops, it's time to move on.
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post #3 of 3 (permalink) Old 09-02-2010, 05:18 AM
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Re: Should he stay or should he go?

Seems to me that what you think or want has little impact here. He hasn't figured out what HE wants. He needs to commit to making it work or commit to a divorce. The splinters from the fence he's sitting on must be getting painful. Perhaps a separation of a few months would give him time to get his head screwed on straight. You're trying to be a partner with a guy who doesn't know if he even wants to be in business with you.
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